Dan Quinn appears to be many things. Ex-football player. Would-be professional MMA fighter. Scientist. Owner of zero shirts. Future richest man of all fuck. He’s like Kenny Powers crossed with Sexman crossed with all of your boyfriends ever. Kind of NSFW audio, so headphones UP. And you might want to have a box of Kleenex at the ready, because he actually cries around minute six, but you will be in tears much sooner. TEARS OF MARRIAGE!

Someone make a Dan Quinn soundboard, please. The guy is like a quote factory. And at night, the midnight shift makes bad ideas. Overtime. After the jump, a video in which Dan Quinn, Medicine Man, demonstrates the scientific discovery that is going to make him the richest man in the world. SPOILER ALERT it involves a bunch of blenders.

So…water smoothies? Eureeka! Dan Quinn is a fucking lunatic! (Via Joe Mande.)

UPDATE: This video might actually be the best one yet. You’re going to love his Dave Chappelle impersonation.

Have you called him yet? You guys could get together and share a nice, cold blender of pure H20 (only drink to the soap, though?). 916-475-7856. You should really call him!

Comments (46)
  1. You just made a Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman joke. One thousand thumbs up.

  2. Gmarley  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 +1

    Can you imagine working with that guy? And I mean in a colleague capacity, not patient. I bet the kinds of sentences that guy says are similar to those that scream inside Seth MacFarland’s head when he’s alone.

  3. A true Renaissance man. Can yell at the mirror, flex, operate a camera phone and decorate his house like a grandma, simultaneously.

  4. Is this real life?

  5. maybe its just the video quality, but from here he has the body of my grandfather.

  6. he’s really got a CHIN and JAWLINE going on – but in like a Dick Tracy or Crimson Chin or Marv from Sin City sort of way.

  7. $1 a gallon? Isn’t that less than what a gallon of the non-perfect stuff goes for these days? That wouldn’t even be enough to pay for the electric bill after using all those blenders.

  8. isn’t stevia hippie faux sweetner? i am most confused. also, it’s pretty great how much auto-referent media he has playing throughout his sweet pad, and lastly, i cant wait to go talk to all my academic/scientific colleagues to try and fucking clown him/ tell them of the greatest discovery ever.

    • professor sweetener over here:
      stevia is made from some kinda leaves and it tastes a bit like equal. it’s got a low glycemic index or whatevs. (i don’t want to get to technical because it might bore you with my medical sweetener talk. just look for my work in the medical journals.)
      it’s nice and thin so it dissolves well in cold drinks, which is a problem with honey or granulated hippie sugar.
      it’s my favorite alternative sweetener and i carry packets of it with me!
      and yes, it’s fucking super weird that he’s snorting it like cocaine.
      i prefer to cook it in a spoon and inhale the fumes, myself.

  9. dan quinn should have a show about alternative energy. also: he is really not allowed to call people ‘playa.’ ever.

  10. I love that he qualifies all his claims of superior fitness by saying he’s FAIRLY lean and ripped up.

    there’s a glimmer of self-awareness in there somewhere.

  11. uh oh @girlfriend.

  12. MusclesMarinara  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 +9

    Mr. let’s flex, snort Stevia, blend and paint a portrait of an @sshole… we can do it all!

  13. I’m pretty sure I’d rather have my face, jaw, and body. Because yikes.

  14. Before the jump, the YouTube screen grab wasn’t opening and I read the description of a man with no shirt. Then I watched the video. I feel like I got Rickrolled. Uglyrolled? Droopyrolled? Flabbyrolled? Whatever, I was bummed.

  15. Monkey  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 +4

    Feakin awesome. My favorite part-

    “Because of Stevia OK, and pure H2O; that non-soapy water, you know, I blend
    Stevia and water. It burst apart the devils inside; turns to natural gas, they can build engines to run off of and save planet earth. And then it comes back and theres a layer of soap on it. I get rid of that soap and my bodies better than it was 20 years ago. OH!”

  16. karl  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 +2

    By far his best video – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKTbVmBV0yI&feature=related

    Whole. Nother. Level.



  18. ON METH

  19. Sooo he’s calling a colloidal solution cold fusion? Wha?

  20. Double Dog: Lindsay calls Dan Quinn.
    It’s her turn.

  21. Al  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 +2

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFx6TxbZQBk&feature=related for Dan’s own explanation of his backstory, including his expulsion from ND, rage at his father, etc.

  22. steve  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0


    Learn about the violin. It guarantees triple orgasms, playa!

  23. Drew  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    Ok, the bubbles are the bad stuff, right? And removing them makes the water heavier…? And the water that’s left makes one fairly ripped. So why did he snort the bubbles?

  24. erin  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    what the fucking fuck.

  25. I may be a little late on this thread, but I would totally like to see an artfully crafted documentary on this guys life. I feel like it could be heartbreaking.

  26. Ladiiiiiiieeees.

  27. Although only one of many, the “Dave Chappelle shouldn’t make fun of white boys because he couldn’t hold his own against cage fighters” line of logic is one that I couldn’t even begin to follow.

  28. For the love of Moses PUT A SHIRT ON. Your body is terrifying (‘your body’ = ”everything about you’).

  29. He must be the new Joel Bauer. Reason: I hate him. He cannot be the white Chi City. Reason: We can see his face.

  30. this is what happens when you mix cocaine, steroids, and megalomania.

  31. whoa.
    looks like a manic phase of bipolar, seriously,
    stop taking the stevia, ok?

  32. I need some Stevia to figure out what the fuck he said between 4:30 and 5:00. Then I’ll put on some Sublime and try to figure out what that nut was trying to tell me. Probably something about Fusion power.

  33. sooo.. does this mean i should try it and it’ll make me skinny? like.. is it work a shot?
    probably not ’cause he’s insane.

  34. holy shit he’s smart. science! he figured it out!

  35. make her cum like a swizzle stick flute?

  36. Tree Arthur  |   Posted on May 4th, 2009 +2

    Ummm. I googled “stevia cold fusion.” First result:


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