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All you should know before watching the trailer for Tiptoes is that it’s an ACTUAL MOVIE from 2003 and not some fake trailer from Tropic Thunder, and that it stars Kate Beckinsale, Matthew McConaughey…and Gary Oldman in “the role of a lifetime” walking around on his knees AS A DWARF. Introducing a bunch of pretty big-name actors’ dirtiest little direct-to-DVD secret movie they never want anyone to know about: Tiptoes:

Like I said: this movie is real. It’s by the director of Freeway and Freeway 2: Confessions Of A Trick Baby. I just bought it on Amazon for $3.97 including shipping. Here’s what Kate Beckinsale had to say about Gary Oldman right after filming, in an interview with MTV about Underworld (and, strangely, one of the few things said about it on the internet!):

“He was on his knees,” Beckinsale explained. “He was basically on his knees with a prosthetic part of his head and face and a hump and different kinds of harnesses to strap his arms back to make them short, and special clothes. They had various different effects, like if he was sitting in a chair, his legs would actually be inside the chair and he’d have these little fake legs sticking out on top. It was amazing what they did with him.”

Wait, we knew about ridiculous absurdity in 2003, right? I mean, just reading that quote, someone should have known this movie was a huge mistake. “A hump”? “Little fake legs sticking out”? They actually HAD Peter Dinklage. He agreed to be in the movie. And yet they chose to use Gary Oldman and special effects instead. And also EVERY OTHER THING ABOUT THIS TRAILER starting with the wallpaper-painting would-be bj and ending with the ending, which I just read about on IMDB comments (spoiler alert, I guess): Kate Beckinsale and Gary Oldman end up together. It’s simply mind-blowing that all these people thought this movie was a good idea. Oh also? If you’re a filmmaker, you might want to skip this next Tiptoes fact:

Official Selection, 2004 Sundance Festival.

Ouch. (Thank you for the tip, and new obsession, Jonathan!)

Comments (45)
  1. Wow, and wow, but also wow. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to see this movie, just so my based-solely-on-the-trailer concept of it isn’t ruined.

  2. Dude. I would’ve given you my copy for FREE. Hell, I would’ve thrown in an Applebee’s coupon as consolation.

    I own it as a result of Blockbuster’s “Fuck You” program, in which you rent the movie Tiptoes and then you own it because you forgot to return it. Because you wish you could forget EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

    This is not the place, but I nominate it for TWMOAT. Why did I even rent it? Same as you, I saw it and was like WTFFFFFF

  3. This is basically, “Little People, Big World: The Movie”.

  4. How did an epic fail like this fall through the cracks? Especially when it’s so award baiting and self-important. “When the going gets rough, it’s only the size of your heart that counts.” Are you fucking kidding me?

    I’m still not convinced that when I clicked play some Batman-style hallucination smoke didn’t pour out of my computer and I imagined everything.

  5. The voiceover sounded like what Gabe and Max would do in a voiceover if they were making fun of voiceovers. How did this movies existence escape me? 1 hour ago if you wrote down the particulars of this movie i would have thought it was an snl digital short. In addition, the saucy platinum blonde dwarf at the party scene is a porn actress.

  6. ps. dad = the man from another place.

  7. Sara  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +16

    Matthew McConaughey playing a Jew? That’s inspired casting.

  8. Death is not an option: Midget Gary Oldman, or Matthew McConaughey?

  9. McConaughee?

  10. *sends this to everyone she knows*
    I know what I’m asking for for my birthday!!!

  11. My favorite part is when little Gary Oldman screams “EVVEEEERRRYYYYOOONNNNEEEEE!!!!” and then listens to Beethoven on his headphones.

  12. Gary Oldman is clearly chanelling Jeff Foxworthy!

  13. When’s mini-BatBale show up?

  14. Seriously, Peter Dinklage is doing Tommy Wiseau in this you guys. Listen to that accent!

  15. “When the going gets rough, its only the size of your heart that counts.” Wow. Thank you, God.

  16. leah  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +7

    Were we (you know, society) really this horrified of little people in 2003? Did we really have to make a film revolving around a woman coming to terms with the fact that’s she’s marrying into a family of them?

    I love when someone sets out to make a movie with a “message” but then does such a bad job, it becomes borderline offensive. (see also: Crash)

  17. WHAT

  18. Never go full retard. In this case never go full retard and faux Achondroplasia.

  19. Also WHAT!!! And why does it look like it was made in 1994?

  20. eddie  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +3

    this is the stuff this website is made from, how could so many people completely have missed this, keep up the good work videogum. INCREDIBLE

  21. OMG I can’t believe this movie is being recognized by the world (meaning this website, because the slow loris is my everything and therefore Videogum is the world). I saw it several years ago in a Lake Tahoe video store but DIDN’T RENT IT. I was about 13, so I may or may not have watched the Lizzie McGuire movie (kind of ironically) instead. *Shame*

  22. It’s stunning, the effect the VO guy has. It’s like, 65% of the hilarity if you can do the math, like me. The second that any voice over kicks in you’re like oh. here we go. wait for iiiiiit. “and in the role of a lifetime…” ftw.

  23. katie  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    it does say “command performances” by kate beckinsale, matthew mconaughey, and patricia arquette… right? although i don’t know if that makes this better or worse.

  24. Bridget  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 -3

    Wait a minute? Gary Oldman fools around with a policeman’s wife?? Trapped in a closet annyyyyooooooonnnnne????

  25. WOOF! I really hope everybody gets their garmanbozia by the end!

  26. I think that the three-beasted gal from Total Recall was in there. Wowch.

  27. WOOF! I really hope everybody gets their garmanbozia by the end!

  28. Caught this mid-movie on cable at a hotel in Boston once. Spent the rest of the movie confused, amazed, and wide-eyed WTFing. TIPTOES, you guys!!!

  29. JetEngineJesus  |   Posted on Apr 30th, 2009 0

    DEAR LORD, WHY IS EVERYONE WALKING BACKWARDS AT 1:44?!?!?
    THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!

  30. Nicole  |   Posted on Apr 30th, 2009 -1

    I’ve seen this movie and I only watched cuz I love Kate, but I have no idea what the hell she or Oldman or anyone saw in this script. There was a story about the original producers or director getting canned and replaced and they said the replacements screwed it up.

    It’s basically a psa for little people. The cast do their best but it’s sooo ridiculous and movie of the week. I don’t know what any of them were thinking signing up for this. It couldn’t have been the $$ cuz it’s an indie movie. Two things that I got out of it were: Kate and Matt should work on a good movie together cuz their scenes together are pretty good–they make a believable couple. Also, this is actually the first thing I’ve ever liked Arquette in.

  31. Logan  |   Posted on May 2nd, 2009 0

    Fuck. Matthew and Kate apparently give command performances, and the movie studio is “proud to present” it!

    mental note: watch

  32. Luiza  |   Posted on May 3rd, 2009 0

    Yes. This movie is awesome…

  33. Benjamin Adams  |   Posted on May 4th, 2009 +4

    I’ll just point out that this was done the exact same year as The Station Agent, one of the best films ever to deal with a dwarf as a main character — and played by Peter Dinklage, too.

  34. Aaron Shrewsbury  |   Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 0

    Oh my sweet jesus! There has to be a genre of films where everyone responsible either lost a bet or was black mailed into making the film. How did this film get the green light??

  35. kelseylouise  |   Posted on Jun 27th, 2009 -1

    no. this is not ‘little people big world’ the movie. this is a regular sized person hobbling around with shoes on his knees while at least a hundred and fifty real midgets appear periodically throughout the movie as extra’s. There are no heart felt moments, or real life glimpses into the life of little people, only a fake midget gary oldman, patricia arquette with dredlocks, and the single handed worst performances ever delivered by Kate Beckinsale and Matthew McConaughey, not that thats saying much. definetely the WMOAT! oh also, lots of fake baby scenes, its hilarious! but not funny enough to sit around and waste your time watching this movie. I will never get those two hours of my life back.

  36. Thank you Tosh.0 for calling this movie to my attention!!! OMG. I have to see it!LOL

  37. In the NY Times article about Peter Dinklage which led me here, he is quoted saying that the director’s cut of Tiptoes was very different from the released movie, and basically the bosses ruined it after firing the director. I would guess it was selected for Sundance based on the director’s cut.

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