Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. What are you guys doing for the most wonderful day of the year?!?! Being truly and deeply in love with someone who fate brought into your loving arms, arms that had almost gotten tired from all of the waiting for this person into whose eyes you look and neither of you can even believe how lucky you are to have found each other in this crazy, mixed up world, what are the odds, YES, but what else? Like what are you going to do for FUN that doesn’t make everyone simultaneously mildly jealous but also quite sure you’re a liar. For one thing you were just as miserable as the rest of us four months ago before you met Tyler, and also we know where you two met and it is NOT romantic do you really want us to bring that up? And also that is NOT how the world works you know that, right? Like, by that logic, fate brought all of those children in Indonesia together with that bus fire. Grow up. I kind of want to go see A Good Day to Die Hard. Just kidding. I REALLY want to go see A Good Day to Die Hard. I don’t know what that “kind of” business was all about. “Will you be, like, my Valentine?” No. What the shit is that. Come on, boys. It is time for us to get serious about this relationship. WE ARE GOING TO A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD, AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO EAT SEX LOLLIPOPS. (Now it’s too strong, isn’t it?)

From your girlfriend:

There’s nothing stopping you. Except for the ocean of vomit you are going to have to swim through to get to your computer to order them. Which is broken because it is submerged in vomit. And/or just a simple disinterest in purchasing these ridiculous things. That definitely stops a lot of people from buying something, the lack of desire to do so. Maybe this promotional video from the official Pandora’s Pops Kickstarter page will change your mind! (It will not change your mind! It might increase your barf though!)

You’ve been working in natural and holistic health for 16 years and the best thing you could come up with after all of that time was a gimmicky fuck lollipop but you need the help of strangers to get it made? (Sorry, I know that she also offers lollipops for reducing stress and also for flight attendants? And for while you’re reading 50 Shades of Gray? So, three different kinds of pops, including the gimmick fuck pop?) It’s an aphrodisiac for three reasons, two of which are that it is organic and it is delicious, and the third reason is just “herbs”? Also what on Earth is that “regular” lollipop that we are all so used to?

Great normal example of your run-of-the-mill everyday “pop” that is full of things that do NOT make me want 2 fuck. Sorry, I just have to ask a few questions before I pledge $45,000 towards Pandora’s Pops. It is called Due Dillergernce and it was invented by Tyler Perry.

People often ask your girlfriend, “How did this happen? How did you come to make herbal lollipops?” And she always has to tell them, well, I haven’t yet. That is what the Kickstarter is for. FINGERS CROSSED! (Via LaughingSquid.)

Comments (29)
  1. Wait, making a girl eat a lollipop is supposed to make the girl horny? And not the guy watching her eat a lollipop?

  2. I am definitely going to see Good Day to Die Hard, Kelly. I am going with friends and I am making carmel corn from scratch that I will smuggle into the cinema because fuck the police. I also made Highlander themed cards to give to my buds. I legitimately cannot wait for the 14th, you guys!

    • AHAHAHAHA Way to call Gabe Kelly, fatima! Looks like someone belongs back on the “most embarrassing moments” thread from yesterday!

      • I’m glad this happened because I have a question for Gabe/Kelly:

        Do you both draft a write-up for a viral video/news clip/whatever-the-internet-offers-each-day and then read each other’s write-ups and decide who gets theirs posted? I always think, “Why did Gabe do the write-up? This is right up Kelly’s alley!”

        I’ll be gtfo’ing now.

      • :( :( :(

        “Dear diary, …”

    • I’m going to see Die Hard, too! But I’m going alone because I’m planning to meet my future husband there.

  3. Retail stores are also starting to ask me, “Can we please carry your Pops?” I’m like, “Knock yourself out, but he’s heavier than he looks.”

  4. Her: Here, have this lollipop.
    Me: Why?
    Her: Because I want to get you all horny.
    Me: Mission accomplished. Can we skip the lollipop?

  5. It’s weird. I mean, I love my girlfriend dearly and we kiss on the mouth and everything, but sometimes I get annoyed with her breathy whisper voice. Like, I’m making pasta, you need to actually tell me the ingredients, not breathe and hope I can lipread because I can’t. Also, tell me which herbs to use. You can’t just use all the herbs. I mean, it’s a recipe. The ingredients are there for a reason. What? I’m not using a tone. This is just my voice. I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m just pointing out that volume and specificity are maybe not bad things. Oh, oh real nice. Insult the pasta. You know what, cook for yourself. I’m not your mom, you’re a grown ass adult. No, I don’t want one of your damn lollipops.

  6. Is that a lollipop in your pocket or did you just eat a sex lollipop?

  7. Being inaudible is not an aphrodisiac…or is that just my computer?

  8. “Maybe THIS will save my marriage.” – 100% of her backers, probably?

  9. I bet this is what happens when Katherine Chloe Cahoon breaks bad.

    • I thought it WAS Katherine Chloe Cahoon for a second and I was going to say that she is already My Girlfriend but I guess it turns out there is more than one My Girlfriend out there for all of us.

  10. Talk about a Jolly Rancher!

  11. I like how this woman got her totally casual, hanging out on a bed, asking for Kickstarter money ideas from Serena Van Der Woodsen.

  12. What the hell is erotic intelligence?

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.