Sure, we all loved The Matrix. It was fun. Bullet Time! The Red Pill! THERE IS NO SPOON! But the problem with iconic films is that no matter how fun or interesting they are, and no matter how important a role they play in moving the aesthetic development of the medium forward, they almost always inadvertently usher in a long and painful stretch of unbearable copycats who lift the most meaningless aspects of the trendsetting film and use it to cover up the vacuousness of their rip-off project. You can’t have a Goodfellas without 10 Fuhgettaboutit Boys popping up the following year (perfect example). So, after we all joined Neo on his fabulous adventure of erotic self-discovery, America entered the dark days of the early ’00s action-adventure genre, when everything was skin-tight patent leather and close ups of bullets clinking on the marble floor of the shattered lobby.

One of those miserable half-hearted coattail riders was Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever, a movie that seems to be based around the basic premise: “what if Lucy Liu wore a purple trenchcoat?”

Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever is about a…rich guy…whose son gets kidnapped by Lucy Liu? So the FBI brings in Antonio Banderas (Ecks) to try and stop Lucy Liu (Sever)? And in return he will find out where his wife who he thought was dead but it turns out is alive is? So for awhile it looks like he is going to have a tough time stopping her, because she’s the best? But he’s also the best? They are very evenly matched? There is a shoot-out at the library? Oh, the whole thing takes place in Vancouver for some reason? Why is the FBI in Vancouver? But then it turns out that Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu have to work together? Because the guy whose son she kidnapped has implanted a “super assassin” nanobot in his own son’s arm and also he killed Lucy Liu’s family with a bomb? But also it turns out that the bad guy is actually married to Antonio Banderas’s ex-wife? Or should I say BELIEVED TO BE DEAD WIFE? And they all used to be pals? And then at the very end there is a shootout at the train yards because of course there is a shoot-out at the train yards, and it turns out that Lucy Liu double-faked-out the bad guy and somehow managed to take the nanobot out of the little boy and put it inside the bad guy even though that science seems very dubious to say the least? And she pushes a button and it super-assassinates him nanobot style? And now Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu are friends? And he is a father of a little boy who is going to need therapy because of how kidnapping and being a super-assassin nanobot mule will do that to children?

I ended all of the sentences in that synopsis with question marks because above all this movie is about NOT MAKING ANY FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Out of all of the movies we have discussed thus far, this is the first one that is just an unmitigated disaster. I’m not even sure it’s a movie. Obviously whoever made it has seen movies before, at least a few of them. There are definitely things in here that look kind of like things that happen in movies. But it’s so poorly put together. Clearly the director graduated from Troy Duffy’s Film University of Making the Movies. Every aspect of it is thoughtless and/or mistaken. Take this sequence for example:

OK, um, did you notice at the very beginning, after the Prison Transport Bus pulls out of the police depot and drives down the street, how it cuts back to the garage door closing? WHAT IS THAT? That tiny moment captures everything that is wrong with this movie. When I was watching it, I thought “Oh, someone is going to sneak in under the door before it shuts, or maybe another truck is going to come smashing through at the last second, those are the only two possible explanations for cutting back to a garage door closing long after the movie’s hero has left the screen. Oh, nope. Just threw that in there. Movies!” Ridiculous. That would be an awful waste of the viewer’s time in Regarding Henry, but this is supposed to be an action movie. And don’t even get me started on the apparent basic principle of physics that allows for the shorn half of a bus to skid down the street for what seems like hours. I’m not trying to be all Bill Nye the Science Guy, but as he famously said: “No.”

The Wikipedia hits it pretty much on the head:

The film was universally panned by critics, who generally regarded it as having no redeeming features, not even the comedic value normally associated with bad films.

You know how critics are always talking about the elusive comedic value normally associated with bad films? Manohla Dargis loves it. But the critics are right, this movie does not even have that redeeming feature. It is just pure drudgery. Nonsensical drudgery. Even the fight scenes are turgid.

As someone who loves a good fight scene even if the movie itself is worthless, this is just painful. It’s less an exciting fight between two highly skilled opponents and more just two middle-aged actors phoning in their pre-choreographed moves. If The Matrix had “bullet time,” Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever has “Geritol time.”

Besides a movie’s only as good as its green screen.

AND WHAT THE FUCK DOES BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER EVEN MEAN?

So if an action movie is terrible at action, it’s already pretty obviously sunk. No action movie has thrived on the complexity of its plotting and performances alone, but obviously this movie did not have those. In addition to just not making any sense whatsoever, it also threw in more stupid curveballs than Matt Stone’s and Trey Parker’s BASEketball. Example:

Wait a second, did Antonio Banderas just say that a government agency was buying unwanted Chinese girls and training them to be government assassins? PERFECT. It’s nice to see a movie that pays such fine attention to detail. When the wife gets fed up that her rich and powerful (and it turns out, evil) husband isn’t doing enough to get her kidnapped son back safely, she does what any distraught mother would do: she goes to the aquarium. It’s like human life captured at 24 frames per second.

But it’s not like the major plot points are any less inexplicably retarded. Like, Antonio Banderas’s whole motivation throughout the movie is to find his wife, because he thought he saw her die in a car explosion and he “even went to her funeral” (“you went to her closed casket funeral” the FBI director knowingly reminds him) but it turns out she’s alive, and eventually it turns out that her husband is the bad guy, right? Classic action/thriller twist. Except, HOW HARD IS IT TO VERIFY THAT YOUR WIFE DIDN’T DIE IN A CAR EXPLOSION? Especially when she marries the guy you just had lunch with right before two cars exploded in the parking lot (long story, very stupid, don’t worry about it). Did he not even try? “Well, she’s dead now.” Neither of them tried at all. No wonder they are so in love.

I want my money back. Cancel my Netflix. Mom, I think I’m moving home for the summer.

Then again, it’s my fault for watching this whole thing. I should have known from the opening credits:

Full grown adult + terrible one-word nickname + written in stupid 1990s “cool” speak = nothing could can possibly be about to happen. It’s just math. McG knows what I’m talking about.

Next week: Bulworth. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (117)
  1. nothing could indeed.

  2. Does anyone remember The Other Half? That male-version of The View featuring Mario Lopez and Danny Bonaduce – a show where men sat around a table talking about how much they respect women and how sore their boobs get when they’re on their periods?
    Watching a live-action film version of that on endless loop from a cell in Abu Ghraib would not be as painful as this movie.

  3. donna  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +3

    Another great article, Gabe. Keep it up, you make me almost look forward to Mondays!

  4. BASEketball.

    Sorry, It was bugging me.

    • Haha. That is a funny (read: dumb) typo.

      “Imagine the rules of basketball, combined with the rules of basketball.”

  5. The only movie to ever have the distinction of having a Game Boy Color spin-off game that scored better than the actual movie.

    And when you consider the game got mediocre-to-bad reviews, that’s pathetic.

  6. It could be worse, it could be THE SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE. I think the only thing this film has going for it is that it is not the Sex and the City movie. Well done, Kaos!

    • that should be on kaos imdb page:

      Director:

      1. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002) (as Kaos)
      … aka Ballistic (Germany)

      2. Fah (1998)

      Didn’t Make:

      # Sex and the City (2008) …. Carrie Bradshaw
      … aka Sex and the City: The Movie (USA: DVD title)

  7. torisoaw  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +11

    Today, I had the pleasure of learning about “Theodore Rex,” a futurecop movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and an animatronic dinosaur. I haven’t seen it, but based on the trailer, I’m betting it’s a contender. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ez5GFtMLvYc

    • kenneth  |   Posted on Apr 30th, 2009 +3

      It appears that there is a wedding scene in that trailer. I HOPE TO HIGH HEAVEN that Whoopi Goldberg and the dinosaur get married.

    • Julie  |   Posted on Jul 29th, 2009 0

      As someone who has actually seen Theodore Rex, I can say that it very much could be a contender if only it wasn’t a direct-to-video film. That being said, it is in fact the most expensive direct-to-video film ever made. With Whoopi Goldberg. And a dinosaur. Who wears sneakers. IN THE FUTURE.

  8. PJ Beardsley  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +5

    I will say again that Dr. T and the Women is atrocious. It will make you lose faith in humanity.

  9. Que pasa, Banderas? Tambien: Speaking of knockoffs, one of the worst movies I have ever seen ever in life ever is White Noise, one of those extremely unfortunate The Ring copycats in post-2002land. It’s a horrific POS that starred Michael Keaton, of all people. I did sit through it in the movie theater, but it was one of those watching-a-car-crash things. It was worth it for the scene where The Keats gets all of his limbs broken for no apparent reason. Recommended watching if you want your night to end in disgust/confusion/boredom-induced dry heaving.

  10. PJ Beardsley  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +5

    and Oh MY God, what was on TV this weekend besides “3000 Miles to Graceland”! Possibly the worst of the worst of kevin costner’s horrible career. plus: Ice-T shooting uzis while hanging upside and spinning around. oh yeah….

  11. Ben  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +12

    Wow, that fight scene was beyond terrible. I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but I like to believe if someone happened to videotape me and a friend in 2nd grade, screwing around playing “karate”, it would at the very least look slightly more professional.

  12. I was going to suggest City of Angels, but I think this review just knocked every other bad movie suggestion out of the water. Yikes, it sounds horrid!

    (There’s also It’s Pat, but that movie is highly quotable.)

  13. Silk, with Kiera Knightley. Honest to god most useless, boring movie ever, just all round bad. Worst possible waste of a $4 movie rental.

    • Haha, that movie was bizarre. There was that big reveal where the Japanese woman was…not actually Japanese! And then they never mentioned that again or explained its significance. So bad.

  14. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  15. Sex and the City. You’ve gotta see it, it’s like getting your wisdom teeth pulled out

  16. Last Days…sorry Gus Van Sant fans

    • Shit Catapult  |   Posted on May 25th, 2009 +2

      Oh god, thanks for reminding me of “Last Days”. Any movie that’s dramatic high point is its hero putting cereal away in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard has serious fucking problems.

  17. tbonafide  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +2

    A Sound of Thunder. Has to be the worst film adaptation of a short story every.

  18. johan  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 -3

    V For Vendetta

  19. I remember seeing a poster for this movie in france and wondering if it might be funny to see a crappy american movie dubbed in french – it wasn’t and i haven’t left the tri-state area since.

  20. Gobbles  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +11

    LE DIVORCE, with Kate Hudson, please. It’s so bad guys. It’s seriously so bad.

  21. It’s worth noting, you guys, that one company is responsible for so much of this (it, for some reason hasn’t come up yet in any of Gabe’s reviews). That would be Franchise Pictures. Hmmm, let’s check their resume. What did they produce?

    Battlefield Earth
    Boondock Saints
    Driven
    Ecks Vs. Sever
    3000 Miles to Graceland
    A Sound of Thunder

    There are a lot more (three Seagal films!), but these immediately pop into my brain. They did some alright stuff, which they just kind of happened into, including a couple of really good Mamet films, but for the most part, it’s all shit like this. Enjoy their oeuvre, Gabe!

    • sparky  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +3

      Yeah, Franchise Pictures was a notorious crap-factory — I seem to remember that their business strategy was to lure big stars by promising to produce their pet projects, then sell those projects to overseas investors based on the marquee names in the cast. (Hence “Battlefield Earth” with John Travolta, “The Whole Nine Yards” with Bruce Willis and “Driven” and “Get Carter” with Sylvester Stallone.) They wound up getting sued out of existence after it was revealed that they were cheating investors by inflating the costs of their movies. You could focus the Hunt for the Worst Movie of All Time exclusively on their output, and have at least a year’s worth of entries:

      http://www.imdb.com/company/co0043393/

      • Tyler  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 -1

        I hope you’re not lumping A Whole Nine Yards in with the rest of Franchise’s output. That’s a good movie. Its’ sequel is atrocious, but the original is very funny.

  22. Robert  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 -7

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  23. eric  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +9

    10,000 BC. i torrented it, and i still feel cheated.

    • Epic horribility. But at least it provided some inadvertent lulz. (Saw it in the theater on opening weekend; was glad to hear people talking throughout, as it presented a diversion.)

  24. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +1

    I was anticipating this review because, as stated, it is just a completely worthless film. Gabe nailed it. STAY AWAY! I saw it in the theater and almost left. I couldn’t even watch the clips posted. The “background action music” is so boring it just makes the whole thing a stillborn mess. Completely devoid of entertainment, unless your name is KAOS and you can’t feel your face b/c of all the coke.
    For the peeps dissing ELEPHANT and LAST DAYS, you guys just don’t get those movies. They are masterpieces. This “Hunt” is for the true turds of cinema like ‘Ballistic’

    • I don’t know man, just because Gus Van Sant makes a movie with ametuer acting and minimal dialogue does not mean it is a masterpiece. It is actually a shitty movie. “Gerry” anyone?

  25. RunBMC  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +2

    I have successfully avoided this one, and now I know why. Thank you, Gabe.

    By the way, I was treated to a potential candidate while flying from Chicago to LA this weekend: YES MAN. This should really, really, really be the final nail in Jim Carrey’s coffin. At one point, he leads an entire crowd of people in singing Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper” to an abviosuly cash-strapped Luis Guzman (who is perched suicidally on a high-rise’s ledge). Yes, this happens, and yes, everyone knows all of the lyrics. Appallingly painful.

  26. I don’t know about this not having any comedic value. I laughed my ass off when that guy fell off his motorcycle for no apparent reason.

    Additionally, The Jacket. Adrien Brody can time travel whenever he gets put in a morgue drawer. GENIUS. Add Keira Knightley, who stars as his future love interest he also met when she was a little girl, and you get the most awkward nipple-sucking sex scene I’ve ever seen.

    Also Closer. Again.

  27. Okay, this is my first attempt at an entry!
    The Kingdom: It was jingoistic and ridiculous, with Saudis at best coming off as Borat-like caricatures. And it has Jamie Foxx. Not even Peter Berg (who brings along Coach Taylor and and Lyla for cameos) who directs or Jason Batemen or Jennifer Garner make this any good.

  28. Catie T.  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +10

    Basic Instinct 2. No question. “Everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie! Even the truth is a lie!”

  29. I remember my brother telling me he had his first kiss on his first date watching this movie. And since then he has never loved again.

  30. Oh, I’ve got one. Silent Hill. It’s stupid, gross, and it doesn’t make any sense. And the whole time there’s this weird (unintentional?) sexual chemistry between the mom and the lady cop. And something I don’t remember quite remember, but I’m pretty sure it involves barbed wire and a vagina. Although I’m not sure if it has any A or B-list actors in it.

  31. Sadly, KAOS is his real name.
    Sort of.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wych_Kaosayananda

  32. ARH  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 +2

    Please pleas please do The Forgotten. There is no point at all to that movie. It makes honest to god no sense.

    • RememberTheForgotten  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

      YES! You have to do the Forgotten, Gabe. Seriously, the biggest WTF left-turn plotfuck I’ve ever seen. It’s not like these crappy movies littered with all these little mistakes. There is just this one huge epic brainfart that is so perfect.

  33. Running with Scissors and Art School Confidential. Seriously, awful.

    • ChickenAndStars  |   Posted on Apr 30th, 2009 0

      Oh god, I forgot all about Art School Confidential, but yeah, it’s wretched. If this were Most Pretentious Movie of All Time, that’d be right at the top.

  34. I liked BASEketball. :(

    But ok. You made up for it with the Bill Nye commentary.

  35. Krista  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 -8

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  36. whimothy  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 0

    bulworth? my seventh grade self liked that movie.

  37. courtney  |   Posted on Apr 27th, 2009 0

    Wow these fight scenes were boring as hell. Not to mention the first clip almost went a whole 6 minutes with no dialouge but I guess that wouldn’t have made a difference. And for those who never watched the show ‘Sex and the City’ the movie doesn’t come close to craptastic romantic comedies such as ‘Fool’s Gold’, ‘Made of Honor’, or ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.’ So don’t put in your 2 cents of worthlessness.

  38. Beloved!

    And I still would like to know what in the fucking hell does Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever even mean. Was this movie just about Antonio and Lucy fighting? I read this whole thing, watched the clips and I still don’t get this damn movie’s purpose.

  39. THomBoh  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

    WOAH

    Theodore-Rex looks fucking NUTS

    gabe please investigate

  40. I saw this in the theatre with a friend of mine. Two minutes in, we were laughing and joking with each other, and the rest of the audience was trying to maintain a semblence of respect for the film. By the time the trainyard sequence came, EVERYONE was rolling in the aisles.

  41. Bulworth? Now that isn’t a bad movie, just a strange one. Good on one level and horrible on a couple, but an honorable favor of sorts.

  42. Was the budget so small they couldn’t dress Vancouver up as an American city? They simply didn’t have enough money to CGI that Canadian flag out of the background.

  43. ajmer  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 -2

    ‘Hunt for the Worst Movie…’ is not worth it’s title if you’re not reviewing MOVIES!!

  44. blastodon  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +3

    AT FIRST SIGHT!

  45. blastodon  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

    sorry for the double post, but this youtube video may help cement my pick. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viwvdhKfQo8

  46. KAOS????? STOP IT. THAT CANNOT BE REAL.

  47. JetEngineJesus  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

    So I watched the 2006 remake of ‘Black Christmas’ this weekend because, y’know, Lacey Chabert. I spent pretty much the entire movie trying not to punch myself in the face… it was like someone (the Canadian Government) gave a bunch of second semester video college students a $500,000 “arts grant’, and they spent the first $250,000 of it getting high and storyboarding the “movie” on cocktail napkins in a dimly lit dive bar.
    you know how most slasher flicks have that part where you think the bad guy is dead, and everyone starts getting on with their lives ONLY THEY’RE NOT REALLY DEAD ZOMG AND THE COME BACK FOR ONE LAST KICK (slash) AT THE (murder) CAN!?!?!?!?!??!? yeah, um just watch the end of this movie. seriously, the last few plot “twists” make NO SENSE. well, ok, they make a little bit of sense, but still, COME ON!!!!
    plus, no topless Lacey Chabert? Whaaaaa?

  48. mighty undies  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +1

    please….Cold Mountain!

  49. himay  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +7

    Nick and Norah!

  50. While you’re on movies that rip-off the Matrix’s style, why not just attack The Matrix: Reloaded and the Matrix: Revolution.

    “Some things never change.” “And some things do.”
    “Why am I here?” “You know why you’re here.”

    Woof.

  51. I remember Theodore Rex, it was pretty terrible, and I was in jr. high when it came out soo….I bet watching it now would make it ridiculously terrible.

    Also I still vote for In the Land of Women, and seeing someone comment on Silent Hill, reminded me that FeardotCom is a definite contender! Pretty much one of the worst films ever made. Tagline: Want to see a really killer website? It’s the last site you’ll ever see.

    Eugh.

    • Andrew  |   Posted on May 1st, 2009 0

      IN THE LAND OF WOMEN! All I remember from that movie is Adam Brody making out with Meg Ryan. That in itself should get it on the list.

  52. To be fair, the hand-to-hand combat scenes in the original Matrix haven’t aged very well either. Kind of hoist by their own petard, as it was The Matrix that mainstreamed the sci-fi martial arts genre and kicked off the (literal!) arms race that resulted in the current state of affairs, where regular actors pretending to punch each other just sort of looks stupid.

  53. The garage scene was showing the that the three cars were following the bus. The jeep and two cars show up at the end of the clip as FBI or cops, or whatever.

  54. KHiggins  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

    What’s taking so long with that Romeo + Juliet review? Also, I know you outlawed musicals and kids films but there must be one exception…Anastasia! I’m sorry, you have to do this movie, there’s just so much you could work with. I’d also like to see your reaction to a certain screencap where Rasputin’s bug minions (I’m serious, Rasputin has bug minions in this movie) are holding Bartok (Rasputin’s bat sidekick…yes, he also has a bat) by the legs looking like they are about to rape him.

  55. KHiggins  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

    Where’s that Romeo + Juliet review? Also, I know you said you wouldn’t review musicals or kids movies anymore but there must be one exception to the rule…Anastasia! I’m sorry but you could dig a lot of humor out of this. Besides, I’d like to see your reaction when Rasputin’s bug minions (yes, I’m serious, he has bug minions) are holding Bartok, his bat sidekick (yes, I’m serious, Rasputin has a bat sidekick) by the legs and kind of look like they are about to rape him.

  56. KHiggins  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

    To be fair, I don’t think Anastasia could quality for the worst movie of all time in any category but, saying that, I’d still love to see you review it.

  57. KHiggins  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 -1

    To be fair, I don’t think Anastasia could count as the worst movie of all time in any category: saying that, I still think it’s bad enough for you to break the “no musicals/ no kids movies” rule.

  58. Abby  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 0

    If for nothing else, thank you for recognizing Troy Duffy as the hack that he is. Bless you, Gabe.

  59. Dan S  |   Posted on Apr 28th, 2009 +4

    THE FORGOTTEN!!!

    You know how, in early 2005, you saw trailers for “The Forgotten.” The trailer was like “Uh oh, Julianne Moore had a kid who suddenly disappeared, and now everyone is telling her she’s crazy and she never had a kid in the first place.” And you were like “Hmm, that’s kind of an interesting premise. Sounds like something funky and paranormal might be going on.”

    Here’s the trailer I mean:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEiqWaIKJ5Q

    (Wow. Forgot McNulty was in this.)

    Then, remember how it got crappy reviews, so you did the smart thing and avoided seeing it in theaters. But THEN, remember that horrible Thursday night when you and your buddy Eric had absolutely nothing to do, so you went to Blockbuster, where you spent almost an hour trying to find something that looked watchable until you stumbled upon The Forgotten and remembered how that trailer briefly piqued your interest? Then, remember how you paid $4.95, rented it, went home, put it in your DVD player, and spent the next two hours being dismayed by humanity’s very existence?

    Because the movie hops along for twenty minutes or so, and then, inexplicably, there are UFOs! And aliens! And turns out these aliens have some interest in stealing children, but also need to erase the children from everyone’s memories! But the only thing more powerful than this alien memory-wiping magic is A MOTHER’S LOVE, of course, as Julianne Moore and this entire movie prove. In fact, that’s the whole point of the movie. You may have your seemingly unnecessary memory-wipe technology, alien scum, but we here on Earth have LOVE! AND LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

    There, Gabe. I got you started. Now watch THE FORGOTTEN!

  60. I don’t know if the rules exclude sequels, but that’s a whole swath of cinematic poison unto itself. Blues Brothers 2000, Jason X, Ace Ventura, Jr., Curse/Trail of the Pink Panther, etc.

  61. snaveca  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    King Ralph – Peter O’Toole, why did you do this to me?
    Evan Almighty – made me hate Steve Carrell
    St. Elmo’s Fire – it was pretentious and self indulgent then, now it’s a time capsule of horrible fashion too
    Magnolia – made me hate Julianne Moore for the duration of the movie and about a week after

    • When my parents went to see Magnolia (they’re in their 60s), my mom exclaimed to me post, “It didn’t have ANYTHING to do with magnolias!!!!” Your comment reminds me of that.

      Magnolia does not belong anywhere near this list. In fact, I can’t think of one PTA movie that does.

  62. Neil  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    PLEASEE do Premonition starring Sandra Bullock… Terrible movie… I’ve been waiting for somone to tear it to shreds

  63. I’m pretty sure that this is the second time you’ve brought up BASEketBall in your movie reviews. I know that because the first time I thought, “Aw, now I can’t nominate it for TWMOAT,” and then you brought it up again and I thought, “Aw, now I can’t nominate it for TWMOT” and then I thought, “Whoa, deja vu,” but then I thought, “Wait, that means there’s a glitch in the system” and now I’m freaking out!

  64. “Troy Duffy’s Film University of Making the Movies”, ha ha ha. While we’re on the subject, I nominate Boondock Saints. Blows. You heard me.

  65. Tyler  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 -1

    V for Vendetta, second that

  66. I’m thrilled Bullworth is finally getting exposed for the steaming piece of shit that it is. I had to write a god damn paper on this movie for a college sociology class. After I sat down and started to watch it I had a serious moment where I considered two options: finish the movie and write the paper or honor suicide. And somehow critics think it has this great social commentary and that Beatty is speaking as a voice of a generation. Of racist, retarded old men.

  67. Carrie  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    PLEASE COVER GHOST SHIP. Gabriel Byrne is in it. My Irish immigrant ex-boyfriend unironically loved it. PLEASE.

  68. Chris  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 -1

    HIghlander…. Worst movie of all time.

    Oh wait, I’m confused. Its the greatest movie of all time.

    Right.

    I’m going back to bed, I’ll try this again tomorrow…

  69. Please do Black Snake Moan. It is a terrible, pointless movie.

    • Come on, that movie is awesome simply because it involved a human female IN HEAT as an actual major plot point.

      And Justin Timberlake is her boyfriend.

      And Samuel L. Jackson is in the move. A lot.

  70. ol dirty bus stop  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    I didn’t know how bad a movie could be until I saw The Spirit.

  71. Thatgirll  |   Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 0

    Blindness for wmoat. Seriously.

  72. “Crash” (not the Cronenberg one, which was bad enough, but the Oscar winner). Here is my experience of watching “Crash”: 1. Oh that movie just won “Best Picture,” better NetFlix it. 2. (Watches “Crash.”) 3. Oh that was about racism and starred Matt Dillon, it must have been good. 4. (Goes to sleep and wakes up the next morning.) 5. What the hell was wrong with me, that was a terrible move.

  73. McGeek  |   Posted on Apr 30th, 2009 +1

    You have to do AMERICAN DREAMZ, if not for the insanely inept “satire”, then for the fact that there is a freaking Z and the end of “dreams”.

  74. Ummmm, wolverine, cause I just saw it and damn….
    we’re gonna need a bigger WOOF

  75. Color of Night  |   Posted on May 2nd, 2009 0

    1994 brings you ballbuster motion picture feature COLOR OF NIGHT
    Starring the Seagram’s Wine Cooler guy, and the Star Trek Enterprise guy,
    and the Wormtongue guy, and the Bishop bot guy, and the air-punching doctor, and lots of guys, and some girls, and its bad, its the worst ever

  76. Chrissy  |   Posted on May 3rd, 2009 +1

    Life or Something Like It. Terribleness.

  77. Jon B  |   Posted on May 3rd, 2009 0

    Doomsday is quite possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I was angry the entire time I was watching. It was like happening upon a grotesque medeival execution in a public square. I didn’t plan to watch anything that disturbing today. All I wanted to do was come into town and buy some cured lamb, but now that I’ve locked eyes with the adultress tied to the filleting table, I just can’t break my gaze.

    What was I saying? Oh yeah, Doomsday.

    *shudder*

  78. Ian Siess  |   Posted on May 4th, 2009 0

    I nominate Observe and Report. The worst movie I have ever seen, I would have walked out if I wasn’t with 10 other people.

  79. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D

  80. When “Ballistic: Ecks versus Sever” was being advertised, I was all into how bad it looked. I tried to convince my wife to see it because it looked very bad. She wouldn’t see it. Then I rented it, because it looked so bad, and then I put it in my DVD player, thinking “This is going to be so bad!”

    Then I watched it, and was really surprised. It was really really bad. I got through ten minutes, and couldn’t watch any more. I guess watching movies for how bad they’re going to be is sometimes a really bad idea.

  81. The Ruins. My God, The Ruins. I read the book and liked it, so I thought “The movie must be okay!” I was like Neville Chamberlain in some analogy with Hitler playing the part of The Ruins (the movie) and there I was waving the used DVD I bought for $4 saying to a crowd (my coffee table) “It will be okay!” (“peace in our time,” in this analogy). Anyway, you know how THAT turned out.
    The Ruins.

  82. Nathan R.  |   Posted on May 4th, 2009 -1

    Big Trouble is awful. If any movie needs to be picked apart, it’s Tim Allen’s return to his fail form.

  83. i’m watching this now. it’s pretty awful.

    but, regarding that part where they cut back to the door closing, i think it was meant more to show the cars that were following them.

  84. This movie is pretty fucking awful. I nominate it for a round robin tournament of the worsts…

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