Studio Executive 1: So we got the OK to put up our Bruce Willis in Die Hard mural on the lot.
Studio Executive 2: Oh great. Now we just have to pick an image to capture indelibly.
Studio Executive 1: How wonderful!
Studio Executive 2: Just this process alone of picking out the image will almost be as fulfilling and joyful as the mural itself.
Studio Executive 1: To be sure.
Studio Executive 2: So? What should it be? What about when John McCain strangles that bodybuilder with a chain in the loading dock!
Studio Executive 1: John McClane.
Studio Executive 2: What?
Studio Executive 1: The character’s name is John McClane.
Studio Executive 2: That’s what I said!
Studio Executive 1: Let’s move forward. I think that image might be a bit too violent.

Studio Executive 2: OK, how about we do a real graphic, hip hop, street-style type thing, right? Like a Die Hard mural painted by Crisp? So you’ve got a silhouette of the office building, right? And maybe, like, OK, a silhouette of John McCaine–
Studio Executive 1: –McClane–
Studio Executive 2: Exactly! Leaning against the building. And then over this in some big typeface font it just says “YIPPEE-KAI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER.”
Studio Executive 1: That’s very imaginative and you know I love Crisp, but I think maybe we should not have the word Motherfucker emblazoned in 80-foot-high letters on the side of a soundstage.
Studio Executive 2: I see what you mean. Jeez, this is fun, and I know it is the journey and not the destination, but it’s a lot harder to come up with a loving and permanent tribute to the movie Die Hard for our studio lot than I had at first imagined!
Studio Executive 1: We’ll get there. [Presses button on intercom.] Samantha: could you bring in some fresh cocaine? This cocaine has gone cold.
Studio Executive 2: Wait. I’ve got it!
Studio Executive 1: Wait on the cocaine?
Studio Executive 2: No no, let’s have some cocaine. I just mean, like, hold on.
Studio Executive 1: So hold on to the cocaine? For later.
Studio Executive 2: Sorry, I’m not expressing myself clearly. Let’s not make any changes to the cocaine. I just think I might have an idea for the mural.
Studio Executive 1: Go on. [Snorts cocaine.] I’m listening, I can listen and do cocaine.
Studio Executive 2: [Does cocaine.] What about that scene where he’s crawling over broken glass in bare feet?
Studio Executive 1: That’s very gruesome. But I feel like you have something with this crawling thing. I like crawling. Is there anywhere else that he crawls?
Studio Executive 2: Yes! In the air duct!
Studio Executive 1: OK. OK. Yeah. This cocaine is really good by the way, have you tried this cocaine?
Studio Executive 2: Yeah!
Studio Executive 1: Yeah!
Studio Executive 2: Cocaine!
Studio Executive 1: I know!
Studio Executive 2: Let’s kiss!
Studio Executive 1: Let’s finish the mural idea first.
Studio Executive 2: Fine. So, what if it’s the scene where he’s crawling through the air duct, but we make his face, like, so big.
Studio Executive 1: Hahaha yeah. Like, almost too big.
Studio Executive 2: People will be like, “whoa.”
Studio Executive 1: “Whoa, that’s a gigantic face.”
Studio Executive 2: It will be a little unsettling.
Studio Executive 1: It will make people think.
Studio Executive 2: Yeah.
Studio Executive 1: Like, open your eyes, sheeple.
Studio Executive 2: Faces are out there.
Studio Executive 1: What if the whole world is actually just a face?
Studio Executive 2: It’s so hot in here. Are you hot? I’m burning up.
Studio Executive 1: Take your shirt off!
Studio Executive 2: Too late!
Studio Executive 1: [Pushes button on intercom.] Samantha: cancel the rest of my meetings.
Studio Executive 2: We did it, Brian.
Studio Executive 1: You and me, Dutch.
Studio Executive 2: Here, I want you to have this.
Studio Executive 1: Your father’s watch? I can’t accept this.
Studio Executive 2: Then throw it in the garbage.

[Transcript continues for another four hours.]

Comments (17)
  1. The piercing blue eyes of an ice dragon.

  2. I know this mural is supposed to make me all consumery and make me want to spend money on Die Hard stuff, but all I see is a guy who’s stuck coming out of the crawl space underneath my house.

  3. The mural should have been the scene from Die Hard 3 when Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson are figuring out the riddle with the 5 and 3 gallon water jugs to stop the bomb from going off. That’s what I went with when I put a Die Hard mural on my living room wall.

    • That was always my favorite scene from any Die Hard movie because I’m a huge nerd.

      • And every time I watch it I’m like “wait… so you pour out the water from the big one into the smaller… or is it smaller into the bigger…” and then I remember how to do it right as they figure it out and I’m like “next time I’m going to remember” and then next time comes and I forget again.

        • What always blew my mind is that thee are two ways to do it, and I always tend to think of the way they don’t do it in the movie, so when they start doing it I’ve always gotten very confused, until one day I sat down with a pen and paper and worked that shit out and realized, “THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO DO IT!!!”

        • My memory of that scene is that they fudge the answer. Like, there’s a definitive way to get the the precise volume, but I don’t think they do it legitimately.

  4. Having never seen Die Hard, I can now only assume that it’s about a hunchback who likes to point and laugh at things.

  5. I’m seeing more of a Henry Fonda/ Brian Williams likeness

  6. Who is going to be the villain in the new upcoming Die Hard movie, osteoporosis?

  7. I’m sorry, what was the question? I was lost in those dreamy semicircle swimming pools he has for eyes.

  8. til I looked at the bank draft that said $7568, I be certain that…my… neighbour woz like actualy receiving money part time at there computar.. there neighbour started doing this 4 only about nineteen months and a short time ago repaid the morgage on there home and bourt a great Land Rover Defender. this is where I went……… BIT40.ℂOM

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