There is obviously a lot to process in this video about the homeless hitchhiking surfer who may or may not have killed a man who thought he was Jesus with a hatchet after that man ran someone over with a truck and then masturbated in front of a school. But one thing that is crystal clear is that we definitely need to rethink our general policy on hitchhiking. Sure, it has proven itself to be an almost impossibly dangerous means of transportation on either side of the equation, with many hitchhikers being desperate and destitute people with criminal streaks and or mental health issues, and even when that is not the case, some of the people who are willing to pick up hitchhikers are themselves prone to predatory, violent behavior and see someone cold and alone on the side of the road with no friends or family within easy contact as an easy target. That was the OLD way of seeing these things. Because it turns out a lot MORE people should be hitchhiking, as long as they carry hatchets, have no compunction about using them on people’s heads, get picked up by men on the verge of psychotic breaks, and see a woman in distress after hearing a horrible story from 14 years ago. If you use Kai’s story as an example, we should all be hitchhiking because it seems so GREAT and FUN and definitely not like some kind of coke-fueled NIGHTMARE full of HATCHET-SPLIT HUMAN HEADS, pools of SCHOOL SEMEN, and LOANER WETSUITS COWABUNGA DUDE SURF IS UP! (Thanks for the tip, Sean.)

Comments (27)
  1. *SMASH, SMASSHH, SMMAAAASHHH* is our generation’s “Ain’t nobody got time for that”

  2. Clearly this man was never picked up in a Volkswagon, or else his stories would involve a lot more Jamaican stereotypes and a lot less hatchet wielding nightmares.

  3. Whatta mouth on this guy. Joe Flacco has nothing on him.

  4. I wonder if a hitchiker and a hitchikee (or whatever the driver is called? Driver, I guess) ever pick up their hatchets to kill each other at the same time? Man, how embarrassing would that be?

  5. Good thing there’s no chance that this maniac misinterpreted the situation and gave a 5-minute-long videotaped confession to the local news.

  6. Wow Kai needs to get himself some family poor guy. After living through a horror show like that he’ll need some hugs.

  7. I knew a girl once who was apparently batshit insane, and called me to tell me that she had just hitchhiked from London to Rome to see her friend and didn’t know where she lived or her phone number, and could I come find her. Always be wary of hitchhikers, you guys. They will inconvenience you.

  8. Q: What do you do when you’re hitchhiking, and you get picked up by a total egghead?

    A: Hatchet

  9. When our heroes are unstable hatchet-wielding vagabonds, we are really in trouble.

    [P.S., only a joke. Best of luck to our gutsy hitchhiker.]

  10. And this is coming like 6 months after John Waters announced that hitchhiking is a great way to get laid. Now Heimaey has TWO reasons to hitchhike!

  11. The thing about our hitchhiking boyfriend that makes him the best is knowing that many years down the line our great great great great x whatever grandson will grow up to be a doctor.

  12. I think from now on when ever I’m asked “Would you ever do that again?” my response will be, “What? Club him in the head with a hatchet?!?” regardless of what they are actually talking about.

  13. Lizzie Borden had an ax . . .

  14. I had my doubts that Kai fell firmly on the right side of this incident, but his “eeeeehw” after he talked about the school masturbation convinced me that he did. That was the most convincing “eeeeeehw” I’ve ever heard.

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