Guys, it’s been kind of a tough week. Ever since Taylor Swift personally shared with us, her best friends, the incredible news, I feel like we’ve all been a little high strung. All of us. Exactly the same amount. Let me put it this way, you know it is a hard week when the best news you hear is that Warner Brothers has green-lit the Entourage movie. And based on the things I am seeing today, it is not getting any better. Like this story about how Mary-Kate Olsen’s 5000 year old French tycoon boyfriend proposed marriage to her, and she said no, but is also keeping the ring. From ONTD:

According to Star Magazine, Olivier has proposed to Mary-Kate with a $350,000 12-carat marquise-cut diamond ring, but unfortunately for Oliver, Mary-Kate wasn’t quite ready for that kind of commitment.

”She is 26 and in no rush to get married and tried to give the bauble back,” their source claimed. “He insisted she keep it and they are calling it a promise ring.”

He insisted she keep it. The two billionaires were like why quibble over a stupid $350,000 “bauble.” It means nothing. (This picture of Mary-Kate Olsen smoking and talking on her phone with her over-blissed-out vampire and his son/daughter bums me OUT to NO END, man!) “They” are calling it a promise ring, I’m sure. “We agreed this was the best.” He’s like, “I didn’t actually want to marry her, I just wanted this but wasn’t sure how to ask for it!” Congratulations to the happy couple. Two lucky people. It’s so hard to find that PERFECT SOMEONE but they have both definitely done it. Perfect perfect perfect. If it was Thursday, I would say that we should just give up. I’m serious. If I want to grow up to be Coach Taylor, and I do, then I have to learn when to throw in the towel. There’s no shame in calling a game if you think not calling it would ruin Smash’s knee for the rest of his career. (In this case, “Smash’s knee” is “everyone’s heart and brain” and “for the rest of his career” is just “forever.” Oh, and the game is LIFE.)

But guys, it’s Friday. Let’s be each other’s strength. We can do this! I’m serious, though, like, between the Mary-Kate Olsen story and then this clip of Steven Tyler dressed in drag and fake auditioning on American Idol, hoo boy, I almost turned out the lights and padlocked the door. What are they all doing right here:

Nah. No. Why does he talk for so long? Why is that such a big part of it? And why is everyone in this clip laughing like this is fun when clearly it is a panic-inducing nightmare. At a certain point in certain people’s careers they get enough money and success that they arrive at an incredibly important decision: I could either go home and relax now, or I could desperately cling to this vertical cliff-face of hard-earned attention with my witch claws. And for some reason, almost no one ever takes the former. It’s almost as if no books have ever been written to go home and read, except I know that’s not true, because George Saunders JUST wrote a new one like two minutes ago and it’s great. Everyone in this clip needs to go home. Run a bath! Reminisce about your favorite 30 Rock quotes! (“Until the world stops spinning on Kaballah monster’s finger” was probably my favorite although “for your information, most of Tan Penis Island burned down in Sting’s house fire” was also VERY GOOD.)

Relax, Steven Tyler and also everyone! Have a glass of wine! Oh, God, speaking of wine, I know this is kind of outside of our areas of expertise, but reading THIS story this morning about how a sommelier at Del Posto strategized to sell some dude a $1000 bottle of wine and eventually did so by calling it a “ballet dancer” DOESN’T HELP. God, I really wish this was a blog about wine because I would tear this story APART.

Someone for real this week told me “be tired, don’t look tired.” No joke. It’s my new motto now lol. So I know we can do it. Remember that part when Tim Riggins was standing outside the bus and it was after midnight and they’d been running suicide sprints in the mud all night and it was all his fault I think or maybe not his fault but I don’t know everyone else is in the bus and coach is like “Do you even want to be on this team, Riggins? Do you want to play?” and all you can hear for a second is the rain but OF COURSE Tim wants to be on the team, everyone wants to be on the team, and playing is his whole life? You remember that part? It’s Friday. Get on this bus.

Comments (65)
  1. Let me tell you something, it’s every coach’s dream to experience the highest level of idiocy that his team can muster and gentlemen, collectively us coaches, we are living a dream.

  2. Is it just me or does Steven Tyler look kind of like Paz de la Huerta??

  3. the real conversation:

    Vampire-man: well then, I’d like my bauble back.
    MKO: how wude
    V-M: fine. call it a promise ring

    that is all.

  4. I have seriously had bags under my eyes for about 10 years now, so I always look tired, even when I’m not.

  5. Sondaughter? Please tell me there’s a reason for that terrible joke beyond making fun of an adolescent girl for the way she looks.

  6. This is just a really good post and it pretty accurately sums up how I feel about everything all the time.

    • Do you ever write something and hope that there wont be an accidental line break and you try kind of hard to make it either super concise or draw it out so that maybe hopefully you don’t end up with two words on their own line but no matter hard you try you end up doing it anyway? That is a pretty good metaphor for life I think.

  7. Pepper LeBeija?

  8. Ugh, I agree. This week has overall been 0/10, would not recommend to a friend. Also I am dealing with one of those happiness vampires that always seem to know when to re-initiate contact for maximum emotional up-fucking. Which is much less gross than the billionaires up yonder or the Entourage movie or anything else that is happening but still kind of sucks and makes me feel 16 again.

    • One of my coworkers said bye to my last night by going “Welp, another day down the drain.”

      • I say goodbye to my friends by reminding them that every moment that passes brings us closer to the infinite embrace of death, but that’s just because I’m an optimist like that. Also, I no longer have any friends.

        • Do you want a job as a dishwasher in a Thai restaurant in Vermont? Most people there are clinically depressed, and Sundays are the best. Suicide Sundays we’d call em, and discuss the most comforting ways to find the “Long Sleep.” The boss’s wife often tried to pay me to kill him. He wants him tombstone to say “He never smiled.”

          Anyway, I was happier working there than at my current job.

          • which one? was it tiny thai i love tiny thai so much love is forever fan i love you

          • Sukhothai, in the Essex Cinema outlet. There used to by a Tiny Thai there, but my buddy bought it and the food is way better than Tiny Thai, even if he owns a restaurant partially, mostly, only so he can have minions to fuck with,

          • oh my co-worker has told me great thinks about sukhothai but ain’t nobody got time to go to essex when tiny thai is mere yards away from my apartment.

          • Really check it out. Besides the possibility of awesome, entertaining drama, besides supporting a place that pays me good money to show up on the night it is closed to smoke pot and clean things, besides all that, the food is amazing and I still eat there regularly.

  9. I know this isn’t winegum, but Gabe, I would really love it if you tore that story apart for us.

  10. I HATE STEVEN TYLER

  11. I’ve wondered before what old, gross, rich men have to offer to young, beautiful women WHO ARE ALSO RICH. It’s not like they’re these wonderful souls who just never found love until they met Salma Hayek or whatever.

  12. I notice that Nicki Minaj is not laughing and genuinely frightened/confused at the beginning. Then she’s like I better plaster on a smile and pretend this is funny.

  13. This post has so many queens in it. Washed up child star queen, old face rock star queen, and dreaming-of-being-in-the-ballet wine snob queen. See the latter below:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Cblop7ZV2Q

  14. OK I just read that Eater article and what stuck out the most was that this $1000 bottle was the FIRST barolo this guy ever tried?

  15. You guys are missing the most important part which is that George Saunders has a new book out and it is AMAZING. And, but, however, if you are feeling a little bit sad about the week, and want to relax with a good book, perhaps this is not the week for that book?

    I mean buy it, because George Saunders is a genius, but do not read it for a pick me up!

    He must have rejected the title “Further Disturbing Stories by Me that are about a version of this world we live in that is tilted like 11 degrees to one side and somehow depicts some sort of weird hyper-reality that touches my readers more directly than some glum Joyce Carol Oates stories ever could or whatever”.

    Apologies to Joyce Carol Oates, and also, TGIF, can’t wait for the hand-crafted ceramic whiskey jug art show opening and whiskey tasting tonight, woohoo!

    • I love George Saunders so much. I saw him speak/read a couple of weeks ago, and he is one of the only authors I’ve seen who has not disappointed me by appearing to be a pretentious asshole. He seems legitimately humble, which is surprising because he’s such a great writer and also so celebrated. He was nice and hilarious and he read only a small selection from a story, because–as he told the audience–a driver once told him, “Don’t read for too long. No one ever leaves a reading saying, ‘I wish that guy had read more.’” But the consensus among everyone I knew who went to that reading was that we all did wish he had read more, because he is The Best.

      Also, maybe his books aren’t good for a pick-me-up, but I think they’re good for the soul (or whatever) insofar as they advocate compassion and being a better human in general.

    • Aghh I really can’t wait to read Tenth of December. I am waiting to see if it will come in at my work before I buy it, but I am dying to read it! In Persuasion Nation is one of my favorite books. It’s one of those books that even though I read it five or six years ago, I still think about the stories, and it really spoke to me at that time in my life. Have you read his story Jon? It is one of my favorite short stories of all time. Just really perfect. I also just really love short stories, and I don’t think they get enough love.

      • The woman who introduced him at the reading I attended pointed out that George Saunders has garnered the acclaim he has (including that NYT Magazine article with the headline “George Saunders Has Written the Best Book You’ll Read This Year”) without having written a single novel. I think that bodes well for the state of short stories.

        (Also, I love “Jon”! But I love them all, so. Maybe my opinion of individual Saunders stories isn’t that meaningful.)

        • Agreed. This is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz was a finalist for the National Book Award, and that’s all short stories too. I read an article on The A.V. Club recently responding to an article say that George Saunders needed to write a novel. He talks about there are quite a few highly lauded books that are either connected short stories or just straight up collections. Here’s the link if you’re interested: http://www.avclub.com/articles/why-george-saunders-or-anyone-else-can-write-whate,91578/

          Jon was the first thing I’d read by George Saunders. I found it in a great short stories collection edited by Jeffrey Eugenides called My Mistress’s Sparrow is Dead.

    • I’ve never read him, but I’ve been hearing so much about Tenth of December that I’m putting it on the top of my to-read list.

      • I’m reading it right now and if anything, it’s TOO good.

        I will say not every story in it is total genius. But mainly I am saying this so that your expectations will be lowered, to trick you into liking it even more.

  16. Sometimes I write about wine, and stories like this make me giggle. People are suckers. My mom and I tasted a cabernet savignon about 2 weeks ago that was decent, but in no way worth $95 a bottle. Maybe it was a pinot noir. It was good — maybe even $45 good — but because it was a super small niche label that sells mostly to fancy restaurants in SF and LA, the winery priced it at just under a hundred dollars. I had a much MUCH better version of the same wine at a slightly larger winery down the road that retails at $32. My point is the prices are super arbitrary (to some degree), even at the source, and then add in the import costs and implied fanciness that a wine from France is better and dumb rich people will throw down whatever they want if told it’s the best.

    This being said, if you want a really good sparkling wine that is affordable, get Korbel Natural. It has a dark green/gold label and is very hard to find (depending on where you are regionally), but shouldn’t cost more than $12 or $15. I think it’s better than Mumm or Veuve or the usual stuff.

  17. Oh man speaking of crazy drinks I was at this bar a little while ago and I noticed they had a bottle of Louis XIII cognac ($250 a glass). A lot of bars have a bottle for prestige, but I rarely see any that have had any drinks taken out of it. This one did. I asked the bartender if he was the one who served it. He shook his head, sadly. “Yes. But you’re not gonna believe this story.” So apparently this rich dude, reeking of Texas oil money, walks in for brunch and sits at the bar. He’s talking to the bartender, eating his food, and drinking his coffee. He then asks him for a glass of the Louis. The bartender informs him that it’s $250 a glass. The guy says “no problem.” So of course the bartender is like “Very good, sir.” He takes it out, steams the glass, and pours it ever so delicately and hands it to the texan. The texan says “Thanks!” then immediately dumps it in his coffee. The bartender was left speechless. He told me later that he was this close to punching the guy in the face. But unfortunately he didn’t. Or fortunately, because he would have been fired and then I wouldn’t have gotten to hear the story.

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