Up until this morning, everything I knew about Scott Disick I had learned from Gabe Delahaye: He is on the show Keeping Up With the Kardashians, he at one point had an eye patch, and he is Gabe Delahaye’s idol and Gabe loves him so much. But this morning my eyes were made fully open to the world of Scott Disick in the most wonderful way — the explanation of his daily routine, in his own words, to Haute Living, which I believe is either just a website or a website for a print magazine. The piece is preceded by an explanation that Disick is confident that no one knows what he actually does for a career, and that this is an attempt to set the record straight. What follows is basically a list of clothing items he chooses from, and it is so good, and I desperately want you to read all of it, but here are a few excerpts:

11 AM I prepare an outfit with a fine luxurious blend of the best fabrics out there on the market today, a bespoke suit from Savile Row or Tom Ford.

(ELEVEN AM.)

12 PM My biggest choice of the day is the wristwatch. If the day is professional and I know I have important meetings or am closing a business deal, I will wear what feels to be the most successful of my watches: a Patek Philippe. If my day seems more relaxed I will just wear a Rolex. If I know I have an event to go to and I want to be a little flashy I will wear one of my completely flawless diamond Jacob and Co. watches.

“Or am closing a business deal.” HahaaaaHAAAAAAHAAHahahahaha. AHHH! Classic businessman. I love this so much. We missed a step in between choosing the suit and choosing the watch, and the step is that he has to choose a shoe, so that’s why it makes sense that this has all taken an hour.

12:30 PM Another hard decision comes to hand: picking the right vehicle for the day. If it’s a nice day and the sun is out, I will take my Rolls Royce Drophead Convertible. If I’m in a sportier mood, I will take my 458 Ferrari. But if I’m just looking to lay back and enjoy my day, I will take my Bentley Mulsanne.

Right. He then uses his 1PM slot to say, “I like to get whatever business deals I’m involved in done on the early side of the day so I can be home early. Having dinner with my family is priority,” which DOES NOT COUNT as “1PM” because you didn’t even pick out anything, you are literally just saying the words “business deals” again and talking about wanting to go home already before you even GO TO WORK. But then, wait–

1-6 PM Most of my work is done on the phone or from a home office due to the fact I deal with a lot of people in other cities, though most are in New York.

YOU DON’T EVEN GO ANYWHERE? Why did you spend half an hour deciding on a car if you’re just going to stay home, Scott? Because I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, AND THAT’S JUST THE KIND OF MAN YOU ARE? Again, please go and read the whole thing even though I’ve already posted most of it here, but I’d like to leave you with my favorite part:

8:30 PM I love to get a little Internet time every night to research luxurious items such as cars and watches and private planes and boats.

Three hours picking out luxury items to wear for five hours of “business deals” conducted on the phone at home, leading up to a night of researching luxury items on the Internet. I love you, Scott Disick. No one is confused about what you do as a job anymore: You bring the world joy. That is more than enough.

Comments (38)
  1. Don’t even get him started on business cards. Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark…

  2. When does he poop?

  3. “the truth is i work in various industries.”

    oh, okay. thanks for clearing that up!

  4. 5-11AM is spent in a dark unfinished basement, shivering and wheezing in terror of the idea of making friends without luring them in with nice things.

  5. 5am My biggest choice of the day is pants. Do i really need pants today?

    7am Coffee, a local roast but not one of those luxury local roasts. I save those for business deal days.

    11am I think i made the right pants choice

    1pm Tell Jeeves to fire up the plane so i can walk from my bedroom to my home office that looks suspiciously like a dining room with that chandelier that looks like something out of Logan’s Run over the desk.

    3pm Luxury business deal priority family lunch (on the phone from my home office)

    5pm Question my life choices. But not the pants choice, i fucking nailed the pants choice.

    • Man, Diksic has nothing on my swag.

      6:30 am: Wake up to phone alarm. Throw phone across room. Go back to sleep

      7:15: Kind of wake up, see what time it is, shout expletives as I try to find clean socks.

      7:20-7:27: Where is that goddamn phone

      7:30: Catch the luxury bus (it is not luxury) and play on phone so as to avoid interpersonal interaction.

      8 am: Coffee. Now.

      8:15: Realize shirt is inside out. Shout expletives. Start work, with several breaks for internet. Gotta pace myself, man.

      12. Lunch. My biggest choice of the day. Do I eat the food I brought or decide fuck it, I’m getting tacos.

      12:05: Enjoy tacos. Pour out soda for my homie facetaco. Clean up soda after my boss catches my impromptu mourning.

      5 pm Leave work. Sprint for bus. Pretend to play on phone (which has run out of batteries) to avoid interacting with people.

      6-11 pm: Existential Crisis/looking at cat videos, depending on the day.

      • 6:45 AM: Turn off phone alarm.
        7 AM: Turn off phone alarm and get out of bed for realsies.
        7-7:10 AM: Find clean clothes and put them on.
        7:10-7:45 AM: Coffee, breakfast, watch GMA and mock Nancy Grace’s choice of wearing evening makeup at the crack of morning
        7:45 AM – 6 PM: Commute, Work, Wondering what I did wrong with my life, Commute home
        6 PM -12 AM: Dinner, Family, TV, Internet, Questioning life choices, Homework, Book reading, bed.

    • 5:45am: The alarm goes off, because in the evenings I like to pretend that I’ll get up early.
      5:45-7:00am: I hit the snooze button every 8 minutes. This is my arm workout for the day.
      7:01am: Make coffee (Stop & Shop breakfast blend)
      7:02am: Get in the shower so that my apartment will smell like coffee when I get out.
      7:20am: Get out off the shower and drink coffee and sit around on the internet for no reason even though I have to leave in, like, forty minutes, why am I just sitting around wasting time? I’m not even dressed!
      7:45am: Blow dry my hair.
      7:55am: Get dressed, make a PB&J sandwich, swear at Al Roker.
      8:00am-9:00am: Walk to work, listening to a Podcast. This is my culture for the day.
      9:00am-5:00pm: Comment on Videogum,
      5:00pm: Hope that my co-worker neighbor is driving home so I can grab a ride in her Honda.
      5:40pm: Waste so much time.
      10:00pm: Go to bed because I am an old woman. Also, set alarm for 5:45 because tomorrow is the day I will get up early.

      • That’s my life motto, get up early every other day (but never today, because today isn’t any OTHER day – get up early tomorrow, get up early yesterday, but never get up early today).

    • 4:15am: wake up and stumble to the bathroom

      4:30am: wake up again after realizing I’ve fallen asleep on the closed toilet lid, stumble back to bed

      5:00am: wake up to alarm, hit snooze 3 more times

      5:20-6:30am: pull the door knob out of the door every 10 minutes, spend 3 minutes each time trying to get the knob back on without pushing out the knob on the other side, locking myself out of my room

      6:55am: How late can I be for morning rounds today? Is it ok to show up 15 minutes late with fresh coffee? Pray I have no patients in house, so I won’t have to work a 72 hour shift. Oh F – I forgot to bring an emergency change of socks AGAIN.

      7am-7pm: Have you seen my username?

      10am: most important decision of my day – do I buy 2 diet cokes with my daily double chocolate chip muffin, or will 1 keep me going?

      7pm-11pm: stalk my arch-nemesis in the medical library, find new ways to exact my revenge.

  6. Idiots I went to college with have tried to tell me that Kim Kardashian deserves her fame and fortune (spoiler alert: she doesn’t). THIS man however, deserves all of the private planes and boats and other comically extravagant things he is researching on the internet.

  7. You guys, I got my hands on the unedited version of this and it’s golden. Here’s my favorite part (cut from the “choosing a watch” section):

    My personal business mantra, “Gotta Catch ‘Em All,” derives from the children’s program “Pokemon,” so if I’m in the midst of a stressful business deal and feel the need for a confidence boost, I might choose my sterling silver Pikachu watch. It is the perfect complement to my electrifying personality.

  8. haha “researching”

    Scott Disick’s google search entry: “completely flawless luxury stuff”

  9. “You guys, trust me, Scott Disick’s job is very legitimate and very serious”

  10. I know we’re supposed to make jokes and laugh and this is all fun but this seriously drives me insane. He apparently sleeps 12 hours, his work day starts at 1pm and ends at 6pm and we’re all supposed to act like he is actually doing anything? Not to mention the amount of money he’s brand-name-dropping makes me want to puke. EVERYONE STOP WATCHING THE KARDASHIANS! THEY DO NOT DESERVE THIS KIND OF LIFE!

  11. Where’s Patrick Bateman when you need him?

  12. It takes an hour for him to get dressed and 30 minutes to choose a watch? This whole diary of an douchebag is more like what you hear after you ask a little kid about what an adult does for a living. What does he do anyway? Didn’t his sushi/disco fries restaurant shut down? What’s he up to now? Is he an caterer for NASA?

  13. Scott Disick is basically real life Tom Haverford, but with money.

  14. I’m just going to say he’s a farmer.

  15. I just sent this interview to everybody that I know. I could spend 8 years writing an American Psycho parody and I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything nearly this good. I’ve read the whole interview like 6 times and it gets better every god damn time. Thank you so much, Kelly!

  16. morelikedicksitamiright

  17. “10 AM Wake up shower and shave”

    10:01 AM Commence pretending that I am a grown-up

  18. Oh this is where I have gone wrong in life, not having an important shoe! I just checked and the boots I’m wearing are Fergalicious by Fergie.

  19. As someone who also works from home, I can attest that this is also my lifestyle. Typical day:

    9:23 wake up
    9:24 take my dog out
    9:26 go back inside
    9:30 log on to work
    9:31 – 6:00 p.m. shop for luxury items, usually yacht-related

  20. This would be an epic troll, but he really does have all that stuff, and seems at least marginally concerned that people think he works for a living? I’m guessing his actual job is being born into a lot of money.

  21. “If I know I’m going to be writing a blog post that aligns with my outrageous public persona and is designed to be griped about all over the internet, I will riddle it with brand names so that the companies pay me for the press.”

    • * “interviewed for a blog post”

      (Just noted that he didn’t write it. Which was silly of me. Clearly he is too busy to be writing blog posts.)

  22. at 930p I choked on my own laughter

  23. I just read the whole article and suddenly realized that I read it in Kevin Mcallister’s voice.

    • Who said it: Kevin McCallister (a fictional character) or Scott Disick (American idiot)?

      “I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.”

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