Before we even talk about Bam Margera’s new “music video” for his original dubstep composition “Bend My Dick To My Ass,” let me just remind everyone that the Jackass trilogy of movies are art. Not a joke. You can like or dislike those movies, but they belong in a museum. We have talked about this before. Personally, I have never laughed harder than watching Jackass 1 at the discount movie theater, which is the only place I was willing to go see it, so deeply was I opposed to the idea of a Jackass movie in the beginning. The second movie is great, too, but it’s obviously the third movie, which was released in 3D, that was their ultimate triumph. Put a frame around it and sell it at Sotheby’s because it is art. No one should buy a 3D television because they are garbage headache machines and that whole technology is a total scam-fad that will be gone in five years, but if you DO buy a 3D TV it should be for the sole purpose of watching Jackass 3D at home (and maybe Wim Wenders’s dance documentary, Pina. Maybe). But make art in one hand and self-implode in the other and see which one fills up with vomit and crocodile bites first. I don’t know if you can say exactly that the Jackass boys have suffered for their art, but they are definitely suffering. There’s the tragedy of Ryan Dunn. Steve-O seems to be doing a lot better these days now that he is sober and hosting that funny (in short bursts) karaoke show on Tru, but there was awhile where it seemed like he might just straight up die. That is what it seemed like! But perhaps the hardest thing to watch* is going to be the long and slow decline of these once youthful mischief makers into untethered, irrelevant, thrill seeking middle aged men with no filter and an entire lifetime’s worth of bad decision making skills positively reinforced with cash, motorbikes, and free television shows. Every time one of these guys literally shot themselves in the foot, someone handed them a movie contract, but that’s going to go away, and all that will be left is the hospital bill.

Case in point Bam Margera, for whom I have no sympathy whatsoever. That guy has made a living being an asshole to his own family. Also this. And this. Good riddance. When Keyboard Cat plays him off, I hope it’s a synth rendition of “Bend My Dick To My Ass.” Get it? Because DOUBLE FAIL.

The video is NSFW by the way. And Bam Margera is the NSFWORST.

Boo! Hiss! I hope Bam’s skateboard breaks in half and he runs out of snacks and his tattoo artist misspells his next tattoo. SORRY, BUT THERE YOU HAVE IT. Life is long, and I am not putting up with 40 more years of whatever blood bubbles Bam Margera farts out of his mouth. Enough.

*This is a big hyperbolic. The saddest thing to watch is people dying tragically, not just making horrible music videos on their own dime. R.I.P. Ryan Dunn.
Comments (24)
  1. I’d like to think that no one has commented on this yet because they are stunned into silence. Also, I didn’t watch this because Bam Margera is the worst.

  2. “I’m gonna titty fuck my ass cheeks” is more ridiculous than any fake quote I could possibly come up with for Bam Margera.

  3. If you think Gabe’s mad now, just wait until Bam announces his partnership with Diet Mt. Dew.

    • Get out of here with that diet shit. The only way you can bend your dick all the way to your ass for any meaningful self-copulation is with the extreme energy provided by regular Mountain Dew.

  4. What is this? I’ve ruled out “song” and “music video.” Any help would be appreciated.

  5. Between my cat hair-eating girlfriend, Gary Busey telling me what to do with inner tubes, and whatEVER THE FUCK I JUST WATCHED 47 SECONDS OF, i am hating myself today. I am going back to day dreaming about the next date i have this weekend with someone that does not eat cat hair (that i know of), does not fuck car parts while floating on rivers in front of bystanders with TV cameras (that i know of) and probably doesn’t even know that this crime against human decency exists. Yep, i am going back to my happy place now…..

    That’s better.

    • I’m so excited for your second date!! Where are you going? Scotch tasting? Ice skating? Is it going to be in a library? Ugh, I LOVE DATES. No sarcasmo.

      • None of those, but i am stealing your ideas for future dates! This date is a friend’s birthday party, probably some food before, and probably not staying at the party too long ifyoucatchmydriftandiamsureyoudo.

        OH! and i figured out how to describe the sordid details better only AFTER i replied to your request for details in the other thread. It’s like the first part of Love Songs combined with the first part of Elegy. I will pretend i don’t know what happens next in either of those movies.

  6. Oh no. Being that I am at work and all, I cannot watch this. Truly, I have no greater regret.

  7. You know, for a guy who seems to be addicted to bending his dick to his ass, that girl he hangs around is quite the enabler.

  8. man, i tried…i *really tried* to sit through the whole thing. I felt i owed it to myself as an old-school original CKY fan. It just made me sad and then i went on youtube and watched a bunch of Brandon DiCamillo’s prank call videos and felt better. ((http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPIkxfEqOSE))

    Bam doesn’t look just fat, he looks swollen. like his liver is about to explode. hope someone is looking out for his best interests, i have a feeling this chicky in the video is not.

  9. You guys, I think we should all go back and revisit the “Bam Margera Should Go To Jail Post” and re-read the comments because OH BOY if that video didn’t reaffirm that the planet we live on is, in actuality, a giant cesspool filled with human garbage, then those comments will. FOR EXAMPLE:

    and

  10. Pretty ‘out there’ conceptually, but undoubtedly of the zeitgeist. BM pushing buttons… what’s new? No cultural fad is safe.

  11. “NSFWORST” = AWESOME

  12. The weirdest thing is this video was filmed in Iceland? All those locations are in Reykjavik.
    Did they fly to Iceland just to film it? What was the budget for this thing?

    • I know way too much about Iceland (and Bam Margera) but because I am one of Iceland’s Islands I can tell you that he is a fan of Iceland. The first Camp Kill Yourself video has them in Iceland. Also, being raised in MD, can anyone else pick out his thick thick Philly accent in this?

  13. If you don’t watch the whole video, you never get to see Bam Margera drink his own urine while he’s pissing it and then spit it out. I would hate for you all to miss out on that part of his story.

    I’m also a little mad because I really did not expect it and I feel somewhat assaulted. Like, I know I can say, “I don’t know what I was expecting,” and just leave it at that, because I really don’t know why that’s so weird (given that it’s a song called I want my dick in my ass or whatever I don’t even care) – but this is just so horrible.

    I will think of this video every time I see protests in the Middle East. You know he seems pretty fearless – maybe he should go fight a war or something.

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