Taylor just wanted to tell us first, because we have been so amazing. Her multi-million dollar partnership deal with Diet Coke wouldn’t be possible without all of the love and support of her fans, and we could not be happier to see two of our favorite things, Taylor Swift and Diet Coke, coming together in holy matrimony. Amen. OK, LISTEN, TAYLOR SWIFT HAS SOME PERFECTLY DECENT SONGS AND DIET COKE IS A DRINK BUT THIS VIDEO IS THE MAIN REASON WE NEED TO SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET. IT’S ALL FUCKING BULLSHIT I AM SORRY. THE INTERNET IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. DIET COKE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. TAYLOR SWIFT DOESN’T CARE IF YOUR HAND GETS CHOPPED OFF AND YOU LIGHT YOUR FACE ON FIRE. THE IMPLICATION THAT BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS A TWITTER ACCOUNT THEY ARE THEREFORE MORE HUMAN IS NOT TRUE. EVEN TOTAL ASSHOLES CAN HAVE TWITTER ACCOUNTS, THEY ARE FREE. DIET COKE SPONSORING TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT EVEN THE PROBLEM! GO AHEAD! SPONSOR HER! IT MAKES SENSE! SHE IS A VERY SUCCESSFUL MUSICIAN AND YOU ARE A VERY SUCCESSFUL KIND OF COKE! BUT PLEASE DO NOT TREAT US LIKE WE ARE ALL THE STUPIDEST ASSHOLES IN THE WHOLE GODDAMNED WORLD. SOME OF US ARE BUT NOT ALL OF US, OK? AND YOU KNOW WHAT: NO ONE WOULD BUY LESS TAYLOR SWIFT RECORDS OR LESS DIET COKE IF YOU TREATED US LIKE INTELLIGENT HUMAN BEINGS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SCARED THAT THE ONLY WAY TO GET US TO BUY YOUR STUFF IS TO TREAT US LIKE SOFT-BRAINED BABY DUMB DUMBS. WE HAVE FRIENDS, OK? WE KNOW WHAT FRIENDSHIP LOOKS LIKE. AND FRIENDSHIP, ON THE WHOLE, IS NOT VIDEOTAPED “FAKE CASUAL” IN A PUBLICIST’S OFFICE AFTER 30 MINUTES IN THE MAKE UP CHAIR TO GET “FRESH FACE NATURAL” FOR THE BIG “DIET COKE BUZZ BLAST.” YOU ALSO USED THE WORD “EXTRAORDINARY” WRONG. The point is: fuck this video so much.

Comments (69)
  1. I do NOT like this video!

  2. Fresh Face Naturals is my least favorite ’80s porno mag.

  3. When the deal goes badly, will she write a song about breaking up with a soft drink?

  4. She’s just so damned saccharine.

  5. Watch out, Gabe. Pretty sure Taylor is already writing a song about this:

    Thought his blog was cool
    ‘Til he made me look like a fool
    Please turn off that capslock key
    And stop being so mean to me!

  6. Gabe just never got over Taylor writing “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” about him. Sometimes you’ve got to just look forward to hopefully greener pastures, man.

  7. Fellow Monsters, do you think we should start a Kickstarter and each put in five American dollars and give Gabe a holiday? Somewhere sunny, with a stack of nice magazines and some fresh fruit? And when he gets back his laundry will be done and his email inbox will be empty?
    Guys, I’m worried about Gabe.

  8. A warning from distant Lorry history:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUW8GrOIZcQ

    While we’re at it, the obligatory ‘making of’ video too and warning from distant ad creation history:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFiQF1QxHm8

  9. Frankly, I’m much more looking forward to Chris Brown’s pending endorsement deal with Dr. Pepper 10.

  10. I bet when she and Anne Hathaway hang out they have so much fun.

  11. From YouTube user Crystalstarxx 17 minutes ago: “Wow seriously diet coke”

    THIS IS THE BEST COMMENT OF ALL TIME.

    “Wow seriously diet coke”

    • All of the YouTube comments are amazing, even by YouTube standards:

      yummyferretsXD 28 minutes ago: “I have a backstage pass to your RED concert in Indianapolis (i think) and I’m doing the backstage thing will you be there so we could all meet you? I REALLY WANT YOU TOO!!”

      • Personally, I’m partial to this one:

        thescience100 22 minutes ago: “that hair, tacky! nor it seems!”

        It’s somehow poetic, like an unfinished haiku.

        • I almost posted that one!!! I like the conspiracy theories that are already brewing about how this is a revenge tactic to the One Direction guy’s (Gabe, probably) Pepsi deal. Because even Taylor Swift ads for Diet Coke will turn into conspiracy chatter on the YouTubes.

    • Gabe, this video has unhinged you in the most delightful way.

  12. I have never had that much difficulty getting through a 45 second video.

  13. So like, when Taylor Swift is in a serious relationship, what is she going to do? She can’t do the “who NEEDS guys anyways” thing that kind of defines her if she actually starts dating someone for real.

    • But is that her image? I thought she was kind of defined by always needing a guy – always in a relationship or devastated by not being a relationship, or denying who she’s in a relationship with lately. Obviously this might not be the image she’s trying to put forward, but considering that she denies being a feminist, only seems to write songs about boys, and references romantic love while endorsing a fucking cola, she doesn’t seem to be putting much effort into being an “independent woman.”

      • I agree and now realize my post wasn’t so clear. What you are saying is actually more what I meant than the idea of her being an “independent woman.” She always needs a guy, all her songs revolve around that in some way. She puts up the whole “who needs guys” front in a bunch of songs, when there is this thinly veiled sense of “I really need guys” underneath it that no fan of hers seems to want to acknowledge when I bring this up.

        Taylor Swift and especially her fans honestly really annoy me. People always say she’s just the most genuine and amazing person when actually no, she is just as calculated and full of shit as any other celebrity. Just because she sings songs that you like doesn’t make her Jesus incarnate.

  14. This is just phase one. Wait till she locks down the Mentos deal. Then we’ll REALLY be in trouble.

  15. I’m really sorry Taylor Swift doesn’t want to be your IRL BFF, Gabe, but please stop taking it out on your shift key.

  16. I’ma let Taylor finish but the Dr. Dre/Dr. Pepper partnership was the best, etc etc.

  17. And you know, while we’re ranting, I know for a fact that those bears in that toilet paper commercial don’t use toilet paper!!!!!!!

  18. Can’t wait for the break-up song.

  19. Look, we’re all upset about the Harry Styles / Taylor Swift breakup of ’13 (Haylor RIP), but that’s no reason to lash out, Gabe.

  20. I posted a video about a year ago professing my love for a can of Mt. Dew. It got zero hits for about 6 months before being tagged as inappropriate and taken down.

  21. I love nothing more than a good Gabe rant. I only wish I had that passion about something.

  22. Taylor looks exactly like my mental picture of the kind of person who would misuse the word “extraordinary”.

  23. Ummm I’m always late to the commenting party on the rare occasions I do comment, but I definitely read about this on AdAge the other day so she is NOT the first to release this news

  24. I so enjoyed Mr. Delahaye’s humourous rage this afternoon that I neglected to breathe life into the Youtube girl by tapping on the glass with my pointer. Now that I have done so, I must concur that it is quite distressing.

    I don’t mean to criticize… but in Narnia we don’t have corporations or corporate synergy or people who act as if they are hollow vessels through which nebulous corporate abstractions achieve their desires in the physical realm. Our abstractions have the common courtesy to take physical form themselves. It is much less confusing that way. What of the White Witch, you ask? Yes, it is true that she could seem fair and kind when her purposes dictated, but her semblances were transparent to anyone with any discernment. Don’t get me started about Edmund.

    You have come very close to perfecting the art of seeming here in Spare Oom. Please don’t take offense, my insubstantial friends, but is that really a good thing?

    On a side note, all the souls trapped in Youtube make me quite despondent. Doomed to repeat the same actions over and over every time someone taps the glass, like fireflies trapped in jars who beat excitedly to be free, only to fall still when the tapping ceases. Are they happier when they’re dancing for our enjoyment or when we leave them alone with their own thoughts? I have asked them this question several times but have yet to receive an articulate response. In the event that I do receive such a response, I will report my findings directly.

  25. This post is wonderful. That is all.

  26. I like(d) Taylor and her music (for the most part), but I feel as if she’s going down this path where she is eventually going to be completely unlikeable as a person for how she makes gains in her career, among other things.

    She is starting to seem needy and she’s allowing herself to fall into that roll, which makes me sad.

    Before “Red” came out, she seemed like a strong woman that allowed young women to look up to her. Now it seems like she’s become a dependent woman who only thrives on being in a relationship with boys (not men, like she should be with) and I think she enters these relationships full-knowing that they’re not going to work out, just so that she has material for her next album.

    Seems like she’s slowly letting Hollywood get to her and I can’t help but think she’s become kind of fake and actually kind of mean herself. I feel so sad writing this about her because three years ago I thought she was totally fun, but now I just wish I was her friend so I could tell her to “STOP IT!”

  27. Guys. This thread. I love you all. Great job, everyone!!!

  28. The last love of her life was Papa John’s. You could buy her CD along with the pizza and they’d deliver both right to your door! That was such an extraordinary ride for her and her fans.

  29. I have nothing funny to say but I love this post and it made me so happy.

  30. I am not a Taylor Swift fan in any way shape or form. In fact, I try to avoid her music and personal “brand” or whatever as much as possible (I am an adult, I guess is what I’m saying).

    But come on, this wasn’t that bad. She’s all squirmy and smirky like she understands that it’s some dumb, disingenuous bullshit that she’s obligated to do, so she just bats it out there and it’s over.

    Now let’s all enjoy some Tab.

  31. “Oh hi, I didn’t see you there.”

  32. I’m not even gonna front….I’d still have sex with her. I don’t give a fvck.

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