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As we all know, Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz are best friends. (Jay-Z is her daughter Applebottom’s God-Rapper, but that is a different kind of relationship altogether. Friendship doesn’t have nothing to do with it.) But now, I guess, Gwyneth Paltrow is also Cameron Diaz’s life coach because Cameron Diaz is sad and she refuses to pay for an actual life coach even though you know she can afford it? From PerezHilton:

“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”

HEY ONE THING BEFORE WE EVEN SAY ANYTHING MORE ABOUT THIS: this quote appears on Perez Hilton’s website unattributed so should be taken with a grain of CREME FRAICHE (lol) and also did you even know that Perez Hilton still had a web site? Well, he does, and now you have a penis on your face. Pay attention. In his news article, Perez Hilton’s cousin, or whoever it is that writes that website these days because you know that it is not him, explains that the reason for Gwyneth Paltrow’s intervention into Cameron’s business (and when I say business I mean “business”) is because: “Apparently there’s some concern for Cammie’s well-being, with speculation of a mid-life crisis growing more and more.” HAHAHAHAHHA. Awww, poor Cameron Diaz? There is speculation of a mid-life crisis growing more and more. That is a serious problem and a real sentence. Everything about this story is so real it really makes you go hmmm. Let’s all not have sex for a year in solidarity with Cameron Diaz. Like when people shave their heads to support people diagnosed with cancer, but this time for something that’s really important. SPECULATION OF A MID-LIFE CRISIS GROWING MORE AND MORE. Get well soon, “Cammie.” Rest In Peace.

Comments (27)
  1. Celibate good times, come on! – Goop & the Gang

  2. Gross.

  3. Starting 1/31, you can pre-order the diamond-encrusted Goop Chastity Belt for the low price of $3,499.99.

  4. “Ugh.” — VG Community en masse.

    • “‘Ugh,’ said the Videogumming community en masse with their whimsical humor. I enjoy reading this website on my Nook in my breakfast nook on a warm Thursday morning in Sydney, sipping on an Oranciatta.” — Gwyneth

  5. I’m looking at things worse than GP:

  6. So, if we’re celibate in solidarity, does that mean we’re calling off the videogum monster orgy?

  7. Trying to imagine a life where going without sex is an act of will instead of a daily reality.

  8. How can you tell a 40 year old to give up sex for a whole year? You only have so many years of prime sexing left at that point before you start having hip problems and stuff!

  9. I don’t know who to blame more: Gwyneth for giving out shitty advice or Cameron for asking for it.

  10. How about they meet in the middle and Cameron can have sex privately like a normal human being, and not do things like telling the world every woman wants to be objectified? I believe that’s the last time we saw her on here, and I have to say, between these two adorable BFFs, we sure do get a broad spectrum of awful.

  11. Well, that explains why I haven’t had sex with Cameron Diaz recently.

  12. This sounds like the plot to a bad rom-com. So watch out, Cameron! You are about to meet the man of your dreams and then hijinks will ensue as you plot to hide your celibacy!

  13. Is this going to be one of those “whipping boy” kind of things? Does SOMEBODY get to have sex FOR Cameron, on her behalf? Where does someone get an application for something like that……..

  14. My best friend here is moving to Alabama and we had a long talk last night about starting over, changing lives, etc. I gave her a lot of sound, sage advice… since I’ve moved around the country A LOT for work. My advice was mostly about getting into the history of the region and learning as much as you can about weird old stuff… I also gave her a list of which TV shows are the best to keep you from feeling lonely.

    So I get it. I really do.

  15. I really like picturing Gwenie surrounded by receipts and feverishly typing onto an adding machine trying to work out Cam’s finances.

  16. Well I died laughing as soon as I saw Goop’s daughter referred to as “Applebottom”, but I’ll assume this post doesn’t do anything crazy and call for us to be celibate for a year out of unity with Cameron Diaz.

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