AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Remember that picture of The Rock’s legs?! My god. I think I forgot about it for a little while, but all I can feel right now is the image burning through my brain and it hurts so badly that I can’t really remember a time when the burning was not there. I’ll try to press on with what I originally came here to tell you: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is going to be in a movie based on a picture of a teddy bear. From The Hollywood Reporter:

Movie ideas and projects come in many forms. A script, a life story, a sentence on a napkin.

Now New Line has bought one based on an illustration, and it comes with Dwayne Johnson attached to produce and potentially star and Beau Flynn on board to produce.

The picture in question was drawn by Alex Panagopoulos, a Greek software engineer turned fantasy artist. It features a little girl asleep in bed while a small brown teddy bear — brandishing a laughably small wooden sword and shield — holds an enormous, fanged monster at bay. And in the fashion of a motivational poster, a caption reads “Teddy Bears: Protecting innocent children from monsters under the bed since 1902.”

Obviously we could all make fun of the idea that, first of all, this movie is only based on an image which is perhaps even more ridiculous than basing a movie on something like a piece of plastic on which you fake-talk to ghosts, and second of all that The Rock is the one who is bringing it to the public, but I think we are smart enough to realize that each of these things basically makes sense. The image is more than enough to float an entire movie, and The Rock has I believe already made multiple children’s movies, though I am not going to look into it, so. A cute teddy bear who saves its child owner from terrifying CG monsters, and The Rock is either the dad or the voice of the Teddy Bear? WHATEVER, PRINT, GREEN LIGHT. The only question is: What are the details of the plot going to be?

  • A child’s dad (The Rock) died somehow, probably at war. In order to cope, she has a tough-talking imaginary Teddy Bear friend who protects her. In the end it is revealed that the voice of the Teddy Bear is her dad’s (The Rock’s) voice. Like Drop Dead Fred meeds Ted.
  • That last one was a legitimately fine idea and I don’t feel like I really have to think of any more, but let’s try anyway.
  • It’s mostly filmed like a fantasy movie, but it’s all in the daughter’s imagination. She and the Teddy Bear fighting monsters together. The final monster they have to fight is her fear of going at it alone. She doesn’t think she can do it and moreover she doesn’t want to, but Teddy Bear tells her she has to — he can’t be there to protect her forever. She does and realizes she has the strength within herself to stand up to all of life’s monsters, but she never hears Teddy Bear’s voice again. It’s a bittersweet ending. Also similar to Drop Dead Fred. In this one The Rock is maybe just her alive dad and not the voice of the Teddy Bear.
  • I guess actually the best thing would be to put the first one and that one together. Follow Drop Dead Fred almost exactly, except make it a children’s movie about a child and real monsters (but note that the real monsters are representative of the “monsters” the girl has to overcome in life) and the leave out all the raunchy parts and commentary on mental illness.


Comments (25)
  1. Bear Knuckle Brawl: The Rock, through the magic of motion capture, plays tough-talking teddy bear Rex who wanders the streets at night looking for trouble. But he has a secret soft spot for his 6-year-old owner, Lucy. When Lucy’s father, also played by The Rock, gets in trouble with a local loan shark (literally a shark stuffed animal that talks and breaks peoples’ kneecaps), Rex has to join an underground anthropomorphic toy fight club to win enough money to keep the loan shark from sending his pet dragon beast thing to kidnap Lucy and take her to the underworld.

  2. I’m pretty much on board with all of your suggestions on this. And that picture is adorable. ALTHOUGH this seems like it could be quite a bit like The Stuff of Legend.

    • That’s exactly what I thought! Why would they make this shit-ass movie with The Rock when they could make a THE SHIT, AWESOME movie of The Stuff of Legend.

  3. This is the movie. A 94 minute viewing of this still. The NY Times will call it “brave”. The LA times will say “riveting” and Andy Warhol will rise from the dead and say “I love it.”

  4. Hollywood! Please remake The Blob based on this napkin doodle I did! Thanks!

  5. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is father to cute and sassy 8-year-old Mindy. Unfortunately, The Rock contracts a fatal heart disease, but a fairy appears to cast a spell on Mindy’s pet bear. Now the Rock’s heart can be transplanted into the body of the teddy bear while the scientific community searches for a cure. At the same time, there is an evil monster pharmaceutical company who wants the cure for the same disease since it is basically the equivalent of cancer in their world. Title: LOVE IS IN THE BEAR.

  6. I read a story once about a stray cat who lives on a family’s porch and every day gets more and more beat up, so they bring it inside to heal and all sorts of horrible things happen to the family. Thy think the cat is somehow causing it so they kick it back out and the dad stays up to find out what is hurting the cat and it turns out a devil comes to the house very night and the cat fights it off and by the end of the story the cat is missing an eye and barely able to walk but still fights the devil every night and I cried and cried and cried. Point is, I will probably watch this movie and I will probably cry like a baby when the bear probably dies at the end to protect the child.

  7. Adam “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson” Demapp

  8. The Rock is best friends with me and also I’m best friends with Michelle Obama. We rescue dogs and garden and drink wine and go shopping, mostly for dresses. Ollie and Bo play together a lot. Sometimes Bo farts and stinks up Air Flotus #1, but it’s all in good fun (and part of the travel around the country, laughing, montage). Michelle tries to teach The Rock and I how to dance. The Rock tries to teach Michelle and I how to look Michael Caine in the eye because we’re both really impressed that he brought Michael Caine along for one of our jaunts. (Young Michael Cain from about 1967.) I teach them how to make a really good stew or the importance of napping (probably both). Sometimes George Clooney is there to help us rescue dogs and also for hijinks.

  9. Maybe The Rock’s children are only allowed to be entertained by things with him in it, and so they are desperate for new movies to replace family heirlooms like the Tooth Fairy and Magic Jungle Mountain or whatever that Disney travesty was. “Dad we’re so bored, here I drew this drawing that looks like a cat on a fence with maybe a gargoyle in the background? I’m not sure, my drawing skills and memory are both pretty poor actually… Anyway, can you please make it a movie now?!”

  10. The Rock is the monster *and* the Teddy Bear and each night they battle it out for the child’s soul. Also he may play the child. Also, the kid is dreaming the whole time, probably drugged up with Benadryl because he or she is sick. Michelle Obama shows up for a shopping/wine/playing with dogs montage.

  11. Am I the only one who thinks the rock is hot? he can be my teddy bear/

  12. I have an epic idea and I wrote two books and a comic about it at http://theteddybeartales.com

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