IT IS HERE, IT IS HERE, IT IS FINALLY HERE! The starting lineup for Puppy Bowl IX is here. The nation’s Most Valuable Puppies. At nine years old, the Puppy Bowl is literally one of America’s longest running traditions. And thank God up in heaven that it is. She really blessed us this time. Of course, each year it gets harder and harder for the young players to stack up against the tremendous athletes that came before them. No puppy has ever been able to achieve the levels of Schroeder, the greatest puppy to ever play the game. But it’s fun to watch them all try. I heard that this year there were going to be hedgehogs in the halftime show, so WELCOME TO OBAMA’S SOCIALIST AMERICA. But we can’t let something like Communistic French Hedgehogs get in the way of enjoying one of the most important events in American herstory. So, get in there, see who’s playing, vote on your favorite, vote on your LEAST favorite (there are some real dogs in this year’s lineup ding ding ding we have a winner!) and program your DVR’s so that you don’t miss a second of Puppy Bowl IX while you are flipping back and forth between this and the EXCITING PEPSI COMMERCIALS.

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Comments (28)
  1. Jenny’s going to surprise everyone this year. #teamjenny

  2. I enjoyed ALL of these bios, but the best ones (don’t even argue with me on this) are:

    3. “Shadow has a fake girlfriend.”

    2. “Simba plays for his father’s memory.”

    1. “Cash rules everything around him.”

    Also, I love Sally:

  3. oh puppies, is there any day that you can’t fix?

  4. Masquerade is the dog version of David Bowie.

  5. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Hedgehog cheerleaders! Kitten half-time show! Gerbil and hamster sky cam! We are all winners! I wonder if there will be special guest stars this year. Last year, the buddies from Treasure Buddies made a special appearance.

  6. It’s surprising everyone’s making a fuss about Communist French Hedgehogs when the kitty half-time show has always been a haven for anarcho-syndicalists.

  7. Guys, this has been a rough couple of days for Canela after she had to sit the Puppy Bowl on the Injured Reserve List.

  8. Aww poor Arlo didn’t even get a little blurb, it’s ok Arlo we still love you.

    • This genuinely makes me feel kind of depressed? SOMEONE WRITE A BLURB FOR ARLO, PLEASE. Such as “Arlo is only 4 months old, but he’s already a little over people singing “Alice’s Restaurant’ to him.”

  9. This is my favorite thing in the entire world… besides *my* dog. And hiking. And especially hiking with my dog. And warm sunshine. Hiking in warm sunshine with my dog? Literally the best. And also this.

    The people who make The Puppy Bowl really are doing God’s work.

  10. Cash and Elias! Gotta root for the pit mixes. WIGGLYBUTT SWEETY POOPOO HEADS.

    • I guess “rooting” for someone in the puppy bowl seems kinda dumb. It’s like the opposite of Alien Vs Predator: whoever wins, we all win.

  11. You guys ever hear the story of the Puppy Channel? It precedes the Puppy Bowl and it’s a pretty cool story. Lets sit around the fire and listen to Ira Glass spin a yarn.

  12. This is like regular football, except Brent Musberger doesn’t tell us about his boner, right?

  13. Cannot wait for the Deadspin expose on Aurora.

  14. It is really inconvenient that I’m looking through this slideshow at work, because all I want to do is squeal at the monitor and say “YOU’RE A PUPPY!”

  15. It’s the most Adora-bowl time… to make dog related football puns!

  16. No one will ever be Schroeder, but DOGGAMMIT, Bessie will try.

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