Most of us will never truly understand the horror and sacrifice of war. In a way, you could say that’s the whole point of war in the first place: to spare people from ever having to experience it. (Of course, the true point of war is usually, like, a Scrooge McDuck vault full of money steeping in a sweet tea of oil and/or some other natural resource. But it’s nicer, if not a little silly, to think that war is just a means to prevent future war. So let’s stick with that. Besides we’re just ramping up to talk about a very stupid looking movie. We don’t have to solve it all.) The new movie Lifted, though, looks like it’s finally going to give us a real taste of what war is like even for those of us who have never seen the fighting, and who have never had to leave our loved ones behind in order to do so. It all starts with your father (son, sister, brother, daughter, mother) telling you over breakfast in a very dark room–because I guess you don’t turn the lights on out of respect for war–that he (he, she, he, she, she) is being redeployed to Afghanistan. Tough stuff. Moments later, you have been entered into a local American Idol style contest, and you are raw-dogging a horrible song along to a guest RAP VERSE from your dad that he recorded in the desert on a Bose ipod dock. WAR TRULY IS HELL!

Dope movie. OUR generation’s Schindler’s List. Almost TOO realistic. Heard people were throwing up in the theater and that all of the world leaders agreed no more war because it is too hard and sad. NO SPOILERS but here is the movie’s ending if you can even bear it:

While some of us may not be able to relate to being a terrible rapper in Afghanistan to accompany our son’s Mr. Idaho Idol audition (i.e. relate to WAR) I think we all see a little bit of our own lives reflected in this super-relatable scene in which a mom picks her son up from school and then slowly drives him past the military graveyard without stopping. How else are you supposed to get home? All the while our ghost dad sits awkwardly on top of the car is he a ghost there is no way to tell but I like how he nods to the other soliders because he can’t let go of his handholds for fear of falling off the car but what is he scared of if he is a ghost so maybe he’s not a ghost but this is simply, like, an astral-projection of his spirit watching over them, except then he actually does take his hand off the hand-holds to salute the ghost soldiers in the graveyard so I guess he could have been saluting and waving the whole time but was just being a dick to the other astral spirit soldiers. The point is VERY GOOD MOVIE A++ ROGER EBERT GIVES IT TWO TWEETS! And God bless all of the angels on the moon. (Via ColeStryker.)

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Comments (26)
  1. Okay I didn’t really read all of this and I haven’t watched either clip, but I just wanted to say that “Angels on the Moon” made me think of Angels in the Outfield and there being angels who literally live on the moon and do silly stuff to mess with humans on Earth, like make wacky waves.

  2. Never forget (fake rap).

  3. Is this a documentary?

  4. “If y’all were sittin’ and hearin’ you wouldn’t believe we were white folks” – that rap, did I hear it correctly?

  5. This movie stars American Idol’s biggest success Reuben Studdard AND Benvolio from Romeo + Juliet. Anything that combines these two great talents is destined to be perfect.

  6. Oh for real fuck this movie.

    (I bet my whole fucking family is going to see this and talk about how fucking great it is and then when I say that I think it’s a sentimentalist piece of shit I’ll get called an elitist weirdo despite the fact that every mainstream reviewer agrees with me JUST LIKE WITH COUNTRY STRONG.)

    Just fuck this movie.

    • I’ll take any stupid fucking found footage horror bullshit garbage movie over this fucking nightmare schlock seriously.

      • Also like, WTF were they thinking when they made this?!?! Like, no, actually, I’m curious. Did they think they were making like an emotional and important and complex piece of cinema or are they just thinking that people eat this treacle up and that they will make a lot of money?!

        And like, WHICH IS WORSE?!

  7. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sick or what, but I did not understand either of those clips. If you are an angel, why do you have to hold on to the roof of the car? Can’t you just fly above it? Why did the boy’s mom allow her son to be in a singing competition? Why does he say, “When I drop my beats, I miss you”? Does he win? So many questions, and the only answer I know is Roger Ebert would definitely give it two tweets. Dude is all about some tweeting,

    • The fact that Ebert ONLY gave it two tweets… we’re talking a fraction of a percentage point of his daily tweet total. It says a lot about the low quality of this movie.

  8. Why is everyone so raspy? Is that a vocal style?

  9. This isn’t a new movie! It’s been streaming on Netflix for a while now! It’s from the director of Punisher: War Zone!

    • This might be a sort-of spiritual sequel to Punisher: War Zone. The dad is just inspired by that weird time in the 90s or 2000s when Frank Castle was an avenging angel, sent by heaven to punish sinners. Except that the rights lapsed, and somewhere along the line the screenplay was reworked until it was barely recognizable as the third part of the Punisher trilogy.

    • I just saw that it is on Hulu as well. I am contemplating watching it just to see if I can get some answers to the many questions these clips raised.

  10. Wait, he was a ghost? I thought they just bought a new dad at the store and put him on the roof to take him home, like a Christmas tree.

  11. Can’t believe it only took 7 different sponsors to get this made.

  12. I miss you, Mom’s spaghetti
    Dad’s in Afghanistan, Mom’s spaghetti

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