Yes, Mr. Waiter, we are just about ready to order, but we did have a couple of questions about the order. This charcuterie plate, would you say that it is large and overwhelming like Terrence Malick in Tree of Life, or small and thoughtful like Thomas McCarthy in Win Win? OK, great. And the salmon’s preparation is new and surprising like Shailene Woodley in The Descendents, or a more classic dish, like Maggie Smith in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel? Perfect. Thank you. Has anyone ever told you that you’re “fit and stupid” like Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading? HAHAHAHA I BET YOU DO GET THAT A LOT. People love to talk about Burn After Reading, don’t they? Now please stop talking and go put in our order. (Via BestRoofTalkEver.)

Comments (30)
  1. And which of the reds tastes like Christina Hendricks in Drive?

  2. You guys, I’ve been kind of floating around in a job I don’t like, not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I just discovered my calling: stealing the job of whoever wrote that Sauvignon Blanc description.

  3. How are your fried green tomatoes? Are they like Kathy Bates in Misery?

  4. Wine was great. Food presentation was a bit messy, like Christina Hendricks in Drive.

  5. “I’m sorry, waiter, could I send this merlot back? I’m afraid I find it crude and distasteful like Ricky Gervais in everything.”

  6. love the all lowercase on the descriptions. really cool. cool editorial decisions on that menu.

    • It looks absurdly silly when attention gets called to it by properly de-italicizing Drive. They know how to italics, not italics; they know how to use an en dash (although, that looks like a spaced em dash, in which case, YOU FOOL!), yet they are too cool for capitalization.

  7. Also I didn’t notice the “yeah girl” in the last one until now. Great job, everyone!

  8. Finally a wine description I can understand. I’m tired of “leather” and “cigar box” flavored wines. “Tommy Lee Jones” and “Russel Crowe” works better.

    • I learned this weekend that one of the reasons certain wines get called that is because if a wildfire burns near the vineyard, the soot and ashes from the fire get into the soil and the basic body of the grape (probably the plant but that’s how the winemaker described it to me) and it gives it a smokey undercurrent to the basic flavor. In some cases — Cabernet Savignons, Syrah, Pinot Noir, certain other reds — it can work really well with the actual flavor. In other cases — a Savignon Blanc or something lighter — it usually makes the vintage taste terrible. There were some wildfires in northern Sonoma County in early 2010 (and I guess last year at some point) that will make a bunch of reds from the Anderson Valley and the Yountville/Oakville areas of Napa take on this flavor. It’s not always the case and the minerality from the soil can off-set the smoke but that is general reason why wines, especially reds, get described as such.

  9. “This is our finest Rob Schneider.”

  10. Where are the Drew Barrymore and Johnny Cash wines? #winegum

    • “The Drew Barrymore Pinot Grigio has notes of the lighthearted whimsy of Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle, with just a soupçon of Whip It’s bite”

  11. MALICK WASN’T in Tree of Life. HE JUST made that SHIT. Great movie, TOO. SHIT made my EYES leak goddamn WATER.

  12. …And the Bacchanalian orgy began after each devotee took three sips of a full-bodied red Conan.

  13. “This wine is ashy and dark, like Cormac McCarthy’s The Road.”

  14. This was much more appetizing than their initial description: “Cold and steely, like the flagpole in A Christmas Story”.

  15. Yeah, but what about the Bryan Cranston vintage? How many hints of methylamine and lily-of-the-valley are we getting here?

  16. For what it’s worth, I would drink the shit out of that wine.

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