Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! One of my favorite things in the Spring Breakers trailer is how they say spring break a lot so that you know it’s going to be about spring break. Seriously, that movie looks great. These other movies also look fine, I don’t know, what do you think? Let’s take a look:

Red 2

I never saw Red 1, but based on this trailer I think I can pretty much piece the franchise together. Let me guess: Austin Powers + The Expendables – the silly accents (divided by Helen Mirren) x Ocean’s 12 = Red. SHOW YOUR WORK!

The Brass Teapot

“If I had a million dollars, I would stay in bed with you all day. But at the end of the day, I would get out of bed. I’m not CRAZY.” Hey, here’s a fun question: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOVIE?! Oh my goodness! It’s like Donnie Darko Productions Presents: The Box but with jokes and a weird “fairy tale but for adults as if that’s a thing” tone and also hassidic Jews as villainous comedic foils? Or were there hassidic Jews as villainous comedic foils in The Box? I can’t remember. The guy in the hat? Was that Horatio Sanz?

Mud

This looks really good. The end. Next trailer, please.

S-VHS

A found footage horror movie already turns me off (sexually) and one that involves WATCHING VHS TAPES IN THE YEAR 2013 is even worse, but I do love that they then went ahead and named the movie after an even more obscure video formatting system from the 1990s. Who doesn’t love S-VHS references?! The best reference.

The End of Love

This movie looks nice. I kind of wish it wasn’t about him being an actor. It just seems like that’s a big decision to make just to have an Amanda Seyfried cameo, when there are more relatable things to have someone be. But also it still looks good, I hope it’s good. Hi, Michael Cera.

Upstream Color

This is the second trailer for Upstream Color, and surprise surprise, I still would like to see it!

The Call

Oh boy. First of all, between what this movie is about and also what this movie is called, it clearly came out of a meeting in Hollywood where someone said “you know that part in scary stories when they say the call is coming from inside the house? What if the whole house was made out of the black box.” Also, though, is this everyone’s first day at the 9-11 call center? They all seem very high strung as if their entire job was not receiving panicky calls from people in trouble? Is it because when they tore down the realistic 9-11 call center and built this state of the art CTU 9-11 center they fired all the old screeners and hired brand new ones? That’s gotta be it. OK. I understand.

The Power of Few

This is not a movie. I’m not sure what this is, but I can tell that it is not a movie. Might be a cell phone advertisement made to look kind of like a movie but not quite? My bet is on T-Mobile or maybe Progressive Auto Insurance.

Comments (23)
  1. Mud! So excited for this movie! Jeff Nichols is the best. I’ve watched Shotgun Stories and Take Shelter like three times apiece in the last year.

    • I also love those movies—Take Shelter is a masterpiece. This is tangentially related, but I’m reading a book called A Land More Kind Than Home that kind of reminds me of the tone of Shotgun Stories (it’s also similar to The Night of the Hunter).

  2. If I wanted to see an unbelievable car accident in slow-mo reverse, I’d watch The Scientist music video, thank you very much.

  3. Ratio of single dad movies to single mom movies is waayyyy off.

  4. I really really liked Red, so the news of Red II intrigues me. I would like to sign up for that newsletter.

    • Red was a lot of fun. It totally didn’t take itself seriously, and was a really enjoyable movie because of it. Plus the cast was pretty great.

  5. That sequel to Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World looks depressing as hell.

  6. 1) Shannyn Sossamon is getting film roles again? This is great news. She’s great. She quit music to focus on her acting career and then suddenly her band got popular and the last thing I saw her act in was One Missed Call, that terrible remake of a Japanese film about scary murder phone calls. Speeeaaakkiiing offff (great segue.)

    2) Ahaha, The Call is produced by WWE Films. Somehow that seems so perfect. But the murderer doesn’t seem to be played by Stone Cold Steve Austin? What gives?

    • I didn’t know Shannyn Sossamon was in a band. I sort of like her as an actress despite how bad the movies are that I’ve seen her in (I’m looking at you Rules of Attraction).

      Looks like she has been in a bunch of stuff since One Missed Call according to IMDB. She was on that really important HBO show where they designed jeans or something?!

      I have been meaning to watch Moonlight because Logan from Veronica Mars is on that show. Apparently she is in that too.

      • I feel exactly the same about her. She’s likeable and talented, but she’s never really done a project I can single out as being a particularly worthwhile thing to watch her in. I had to look up what the name of the phone movie I saw her in was and her page does seem to suggest she’s been working steadily, but again, mostly things to be avoided which explains why I didn’t already know.

        Her ex-band is very good. If you take away nothing else from this in-depth analysis of her career, you should give them a listen. Then maybe her sacrifices will all have been worth it.

        • She was in Warpaint? I had no idea. I’ve seen them play before, but I can’t remember whether she was drumming at the time. I do remember thinking the drummer was really talented though, whoever it was.

    • Though to be fair, if I were offered the choice between being an actress and being in Warpaint, I would definitely pick being in Warpaint.

  7. I’m perfectly fine with a series of Red movies so that it keeps Malkovich crazy on the screen instead of crazy and broke on the streets. Seriously, why aren’t more people hiring him in things?

    • Don’t sell the man short. He can do both. I once saw in a cd store and he looked so much like a homeless man that when I pointed out to my friend that it was Malkovich, he thought I was making fun of a homeless man who liked like Malkovich.

      • My old roommate (gosh, I talk about her a lot, but she’s got good stories) once saw him in a convenience store on her lunch break. He was wear a gray sweatsuit, and she stressed that the sweatpants had tight elastic cuffs.

  8. I think a more interesting and conscientious movie would be The Bass Teapot, telling the story of a mysterious teapot that fills up with bass every time you hurt yourself. After all, teach a man to fish, etc.

  9. Um Halle Berry’s hair.

  10. Um the End of Love trailer made me cry.

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