Today’s most Onion-like real local news report comes from South Bend, Indiana, where an enterprising reporter by the name of Alana Greenfogel very seriously and hysterically investigates an incident in which two children walked in on four people having sex in a Taco Bell bathroom. Alana wants us to know that even though this incident “goes beyond borderline disturbing” (making it “disturbing”), “people are having sex everywhere, all the time.” Basically you could substitute “people having sex” with “zombies” and this entire report would work beautifully:

(Be sure to watch ’til Alana’s closing at the end):

Yes, it is disturbing that that happened, but I don’t think it’s the matter of national security they’re making it out to be. It seems like Alana is torn between her desire to whip up hysteria and ride it to the anchor’s chair, and her love of sweet, sweet Taco Bell.

Comments (41)

  2. “As parents, we’re supposed to protect our children, not put them in harm’s way.”
    Step 1: One gordita kid’s meal for my five-year-old.

  3. (Humpty Hump joke)

  4. I hope the reporter was going for double entendre when describing how many people eat at Taco Bell.

    “They’re always quick and super super nice”

  5. Um…Taco Bell? I don’t…why…that’s so gross.
    I’ve never had worse Mexican in my life.

  6. “…beyond borderline disturbing”
    “I wouldn’t want to see that!”
    “…still not old enough to learning about such things as that”
    “She wants be be grown up and I can’t do that now”
    The last known B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirt in North America.

    This might be the best local news fail since that Leprechaun in Alabama.

  7. what do you mean you want ‘two soft-shell tacos’? also: how come no one told me last thursday was ‘take charge thursday’?

  8. That One  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +1

    Love the P.O.V reenactment.

    Speaking of The Onion, this came to mind:

  9. i can’t believe the mom is crying. OH NO THE KID SAW SOMETHING IT DIDN’T UNDERSTAND. Welcome to being 11. You know what? Welcome to life. I don’t even understand. In a taco bell washroom, guys? For real? The only place you might catch herpes by washing your hands?
    Figure it out, America.

    • i would flip my shit if my 11 year old kid walked in on something like that at taco bell. but i agree with your second part.

      • I’d be upset. But not tears upset. These kids probably wouldn’t even remember that incident, (let alone be emotionally scarred) if it weren’t for their parents going on national television to i guess spread awareness on taco bell sex.
        seriously though, taco bell. it’s just…. who gets all rowdy’d up while eating a beef taco? who walks into a taco bell bathroom, and says “Perfect”?

  10. Those children are absolutely, 100% going to grow up to be perverts now. Sad but true.

  11. Selena  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +3

    This story is obviously a lie!
    Everyone knows you only get busy in Burger King Bathrooms… :-\

    (sorry, I could not help myself.)

  12. I find it hilarious that the kid is sitting with her parents while they’re saying she’s too young to know about “two women servicing two men”.

    • Yeah, I know. I always get terrible service at Taco Bell. Wouldn’t want those kids to get the wrong idea about fast food.

  13. Ok, am I crazy or does the jump rope on the porch during the interview spell out sex?

    This is some crazy subliminal bullshit. Fuck you South Bend local news team, you can’t fool me.

  14. LB  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +1

    I think their lawyer suggested the crocodile tears.

  15. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  16. “Basically you could substitute “people having sex” with “zombies” and this entire report would work beautifully”

    zombies are zombies everywhere, all the time. ok i can get w/ this

  17. I hate that I’m going to have to have less sex at Taco Bell now.

  18. “I wouldn’t want to see that”
    “I want to see that”

  19. “It’s scary, ’cause, now… i don’t wanna send my children to the bathroom by themselves.”

  20. Peopele are having sex in the commercial at the end, luckily the windows were tinted or I would have to explain it to my fragile 26 year old mind.

  21. People not Peopele

  22. See what the realization of people having sex everywhere has done to my spelling?

  23. So, what’s the deal? Taco Bell is an aphrodisiac.

  24. PizzaCrepeTacoPancakeChiliBag  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 +4

    “My eleven year old wants to feel grown up.” Done! Also… I love how the problem they’re trying to address is more kids walking in on foursomes, not stopping the foursomes. LOCK THE DOORS PEOPLE! If you must engage in filthy take-out Mexican fourway sex, LOCK THE DOORS!

  25. Matty  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 +1

    Stop the presses! Issue a national alert! “People have sex anywhere and everywhere!!!!!”

    Yes Alana, it’s called PRO-CRE-ATION! You and the residents of South Bend should try it some time, it might loosen that stick you all have up your asses.

  26. Tara  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 0

    Yeah, these two children would have put this incident put of there minds if the parents weren’t freaking out about it! And 11 is too young to know about sex? Maybe walking in on a nasty Taco Bell 4-way wasn’t the best way to find out, but two years from now her peers are gonna start talking about if not (god forbid) doing it, if they haven’t started already! So Mom and Pops should have already addressed that issue!

  27. Laurie  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 +1

    Thank you Matty! I live about 50 miles from South Bend and actually saw part of this story on the local news. I loved the crying, totally the best part.

  28. Greg  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 +1

    I work in a middle school of 10 to 11 year olds and I can tell you they are already talking about sex. Some of the girls were caught behind a dumpster during lunch lifting up their blouses and showing the boys their breast such as they were. Eleven is not too young to start to explain these things to your daughters.

  29. sol  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 0

    and also, you can’t really see it, but that woman on 0.44? she’s actually getting oral.


  30. I love the guy who goes “I wouldn’t want to see that” when his face CLEARLY says that he’d really want to see that

  31. omg… people are having sex in public????? the world is coming to an end… live people seriously i think our problems as a world are a lil bigger than worrying about sex in public ….. seriously get a life

  32. WOW! I didn’t think people in Southbend, IN were so open about public foursomes! AWESOME!!! But a Taco Bell bathroom??? Come on, people! Do you know what comes out of the human body after eating a chalupa??? Not a pretty site, and I’m sure there’s left overs all over that bathroom floor!

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