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After the jump, I’ve posted the trailer for a low-budget horror movie called Evil Things. It’s clearly trying to be Blair Witch 3: The Edge of Reason, all hand held night vision video and “don’t go in there”s and classically-trained screaming. Fair enough. Who am I to judge? The director doesn’t come down to my work and slap the kind-of-already-been-done-dude ideas out of my mouth. But the main reason I am posting the video in the first place is just as an excuse to post the official plot description of the movie, because it’s basically the greatest:

It’s Miriam’s 21st Birthday. As a birthday gift, Miriam’s aunt Gail has decided to lend Miriam her beautiful country house for an entire weekend. Aunt Gail’s country house is amazing. It’s a four bedroom house surrounded by breathtaking mountains and miles and miles of woods. Miriam invites her young college friends Cassy, Mark, Tanya and Leo to join her at the country house for what looks to be the most amazing weekend ever. Of course they all jump at the chance to spend a free weekend in the country, in the middle of nowhere. Miriam’s friends are totally in the mood for a big time party weekend. They’re also anxious to escape the dark and gloomy concrete jungle known as Manhattan. Miriam, Cassy and Tanya bring the food. Mark brings the beer and Leo, the aspiring filmmaker, brings his new video camera. Leo hopes to produce a short movie by documenting e very amazing moment of this weekend getaway. Unfortunately, what Leo ends up capturing on camera is not a weekend of peace and tranquility, but a nightmarish descent into pure terror.

WHOA. It really takes a surprising twist at the end there. For a very, very, very, very long time I was convinced that this was going to be the most perfect big time party weekend in a wonderful house ever. But it turns out that it’s THE OPPOSITE OF THAT. Miriam, Casey, and Tanya brought the food, and Mark brought the beer. What could go wrong? Nothing, unless you consider a nightmarish descent into pure terror something going wrong. TOTAL CURVEBALL.

Unnecessary trailer after the jump, as promised.

It’s weird that the description doesn’t mention how much boring driving is in this movie. Show don’t tell, I guess.

Comments (19)
  1. from the movie site, profiling one of the actors/cinematographer:
    “He can?t wait to see the world?s collective jaw drop in suspense when they get a load of his acting and camerawork.”

  2. Miriam TOTALLY wrote that most AMAZING movie description EVER!

  3. bld  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +10

    Wow Miriam’s aunt must really hate her or something.

  4. And just where are Miriam, Casey, Tanya, Mark, and Leo? Or any people for that matter?

  5. I didn’t see any actual people in that movie. Bold choice.

  6. The trailer looks like one of those virtual real estate tours with a spooky Halloween tape played over it.

  7. I think you left Sarcasm Lock on.

  8. blah  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +21

    Once you see random half eaten cake through nite vision…you know shit’s about to get REAL.

  9. blah  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +7

    and why does ‘pure terror’ always take 48 hours to happen? Why can’t sometimes it just be over in 27 minutes and save us the time and hassle?

  10. Does anybody know how long this movie is? Is it somewhere around, say, 14hrs long? I’m just wondering if the person who wrote the description also wrote the screenplay. The Terror would commence at roughly hour 13.25.

  11. TD  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +9

    Argh! The road merges up ahead! Argh!

  12. Ben  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +5

    If you pretend the plot summary was written by a really young kid it sounds very cute.

  13. I think the funniest thing is the name of the movie, EVIL THINGS!! like the the director was struggling for a name and then ”well it will have to be evil…mm things, yeah that will do”.

  14. I love that they waited to call 911 after they discovered that the intruder in the house was trying to kill them. Before he was just “the guy downstairs that will get us”.

  15. that description was written by the same person who wrote the description for The Room.

  16. Best/most unnecessary part: “They’re also anxious to escape the dark and gloomy concrete jungle known as Manhattan.” Such pathos!

  17. The paragraph after the synopsis had me making my own Dutch Comedy Central ad, just not in slow motion.

  18. SHUT THE DOOR!!!

  19. um, are there people in this movie or is it just hands and arms?

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