With last night’s Golden Globes we are in full-on awards season. Oh neat! My favorite part about awards season is seeing all of the photos of the after-parties. It’s just fun, like looking at pictures of delicious food. That’s the best part! Who needs to taste something when it’s even nicer to look at it and imagine what it is like to taste it. Or, if possible, a photo of someone else tasting it. No no, please, we are all much happier at home on our couches, struggling to make sense of the piled up results of our lives’ worth of choices. Let’s just go to sleep comfortable in the knowledge that tomorrow there will be photos of parties no one is invited to. So dope. Anyway: awards! It all makes you wonder, when we are in charge, and we are not yet, but we are drinking working on it, but when we are, we wouldn’t do awards like your DAD. Right? We’d do cool awards. FOR US. (It is worth pointing out that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler really were a lot of fun last night and had some really good jokes and I liked when Amy Poehler was sitting on George Clooney’s lap. None of that helps illustrate the point that when we are in charge, you and me, that we are going to make it better. If anything, we will probably blow it and ruin it and be embarrassed by all of the tweets. But let’s just get back to the business). Who will we choose? Obviously, there is no answer to that question in the sense that we don’t even know who is going to be good by the time we take over. Will it be Miley Cyrus’s hologram? Will it be Jaden and Willow Smith’s joint-custody adopted shelter dog? Who knows! But if we do want to run the big show, we’re going to have to prove it, and that’s why we need to do a trial run. Pretending that this was our year, who would we choose? Froggy Fresh for Best Everything, but WHO ELSE?! Here are the categories:

Best Actor
Daniel Day Lewis
Benedict Cumberbatch
Idris Elba
Ryan Gosling
Mark Ruffalo

Best Actor (Lady)
Zooey Deschanel
Dakota Johnson
Angelina Jolie
Helen Mirren
Olivia Munn

Best Comedy
Ted (Just Kidding)
21 Jump Street, I Guess
The Campaign?

Best Seussical
Zero Dark Thirty

Best CGI Face
The Life Of Pi
Snow White And The Huntsman
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Nap

Best Pixar
Wreck It Ralph
Paranorman And Frankenweenie Tied

Best Kiss
Bradley Cooper And Jennifer Lawrence
A Vampire And A Werewolf
Tom Hanks And Meg Ryan

Worst Kiss
Bradley Cooper And Jennifer Lawrence
Jack And Jill

Best Director (Not Ben Affleck)
Steven Spielberg
David O’Russell
Whoever Makes Krispy Kreme’s Videos

Second Best Director
Ben Affleck

Youngest Person
Quvenzhané Wallis
Chloe Moretz

[People's Choice Award]

There are going to be a lot of upsets tonight, but congratulations to everyone who was nominated.

Comments (33)
  1. I’m wondering who’ll get the coveted Topher Grace Half-time achievement award, and then proceed to make an embarrassing speech.

  2. I’ve been snubbed again. :(

  3. I thought 21 Jump Street was actually pretty funny.

  4. The award is a can of Uggie’s ashes.

  5. I propose a special award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Robot Lawyering.

  6. There should be a “Best Cult Movie” category. But not in the “That movie nobody saw is a cult classic now!” sense but rather “That movie was about a cult.” Because I love cult movies.

    So this year probably The Master vs. Sound of My Voice?

  7. Can we Al Roker win something? I feel bad for that guy. He seems to be shitting on everything lately.

  8. I vote for Tilda Swinton and John Hawkes dressed up like Batman and the doctor, respectively, for everything

  9. There should be a roast every year like Comedy Central does – because they’re so funny! Roast and actor! First up – Tom Cruise!

  10. One thing I’ve never understood about Seth Mcfarlane is his self awareness. How does someone whose show is 90% ridiculous celebrity references not realize he’s a gargantuan douchebag?
    Stevie: this cat’s crying is worse than Seth Mcfarlane’s Big Band Album
    Homer Griffin: At least it’s not as bad as that movie where he plays a foul-mouthed te..a whatever, you know what I’m saying.

    • He is like Ricky Gervais. He makes all these arch jokes, and sometimes one of them is funny, but most of the time it’s the same schtick over and over. But since the jokes are “ironic” and “taking down the Man” (they usually aren’t) they both have this holier-than-thou attitude – even though both actively participate in this culture they pretend to deride.

  11. I nominate Andy Serkis as the Tiger on the Boat.

  12. Why is no one voting?!

    Best Actor : Idris Elba
    Best Actor (Lady) : Helen Mirren
    Best Comedy : The Campaign?
    Best Seussical : Lincoln
    Best CGI Face : WRITE IN: Baby Renesmee from Twilight, I’ve heard.
    Best Pixar : Wreck It Ralph
    Best Kiss : A Vampire And A Werewolf (probably in Hotel Transylvania or something, right?)
    Worst Kiss : Jack And Jill
    Best Director (Not Ben Affleck) : Television
    Second Best Director : Ben Affleck
    Youngest Person : Quvenzhané Wallis

    I’ve got a lot of money riding on these results. I hope I’ve nailed it.

  13. Al Roker: Best Movement in Film

  14. It does seem like Ben Affleck has a lock on his very first Earthy.

  15. Can we write in Ryan Gosling for ALL THE AWARDS ALWAYS?

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