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It’s here, it’s here, it’s here! Sometimes when something I’ve been waiting for (the Golden Globes telecast) for such a long time (since the 2012 Golden Globes telecast) is just about to happen, I wish I could slow time down a little bit just so I can keep the Golden Globes in my future rather than hurry it into my past. I’m sure you can all relate. But of course we cannot slow time down, just as we cannot pause time right when the Golden Globes begin in order to live in that moment forever, right before we get into the “third-rate awards ceremony in an over-crowded field of awards ceremonies, doled out by the ever-mysterious and seemingly-illegitimate foreign press association, convened in a sad-looking hotel ballroom where even the nominees are force-fed liquor in order to endure the whole thing” (you think I’m going to try to re-write the same sentiment when it has already been written perfectly?) (NOT ON GOLDEN GLOBES NIGHT!) so we have to press on. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting! It’s incredible how much better that is than Ricky Gervais! Just look at how much real fun they’re having in this completely natural press photo. Ha-ha-ha, oh how they are friends! (But really, I am looking forward to their hosting more than I thought I could ever look forward to anyone’s hosting of an awards ceremony.) (Should be good!) So please hang out with us here and chat, chat, chat the night away about all the beautiful winners and garbage-y losers, and also please hang out with us on Twitter. Let’s do this dumb thing!
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I hope Anne Hathaway’s hair wins for being most adorable and also most like mine.
I have a short ‘do as well but I heard she hated her hair short so it kind of made me dislike her.
i’m not generally a fan of short hair on girls, but it does look really cute on her. but also, shut up, anne hathaway.
ugh anne
She seems so needy.
who thanks sally field?!
Anne Hathaway looks like she is wearing a fashion chest bandage
It’s a glittery back brace!
Aw c’mon Anne, you don’t care about this!
ALSO: I keep thinking Les Mis is directed by Tobe Hooper instead of Tom Hooper. That is weird.
Anne Hathaway just gave a killer audition for her Oscar speech.
I am not sending a fake duck a get well card.
I think this may be the best comment of the night.
Is QT drunk? I am assuming QT is very very drunk.
He always talks like he’s about to go into beat poetry.
I actually was just thinking that he wasn’t as drunk as I expected him to be.
haha me too! I was like wow he must not be on too many drugs
Surprisingly, I find this less annoying than Anne Hathaway’s speech.
I’m with you.
Anagram for Jeremy Irons: Jeremys Iron
QUentin Tarantino is boring, but I want to say – I am roasting a chicken, and my apartment smells amazing.
Lucy Liu looks fantastic.
That dress is seriously amazing.
LUCY LIU! She is wearing a sofa from an English manor. I approve in an over the top hilarious way.
I kind of 100% love it. Even I’m confused by my feelings for that dress.
She looks like Marie Antoinette.
It looks like none of them wants to win this.
I think they’re to the heavy drinking portion of the evening.
Wow, House of Pies, no one saw this coming. at all.
SO is Salmon Fishing in the Yemen about the Danger of introducing invasive species into a unprepared ecosystem?
Did you ever see the Cane Toads documentary about that very subject? If not, get your hands on it now because it’s amazing.
Is it anything like Night of The Lepus, that had giant killer bunnies in it.
Probably not, but there IS a scene where a toad humps a road-pancake toad for HOURS. And there’s an Australian man singing in the shower while a frog spies on him.
That movie is so great! We watched in environmental science in high school, and it was easily the best thing about that class.
everyone seems confused about how this movie was classified as a comedy and how, dear god, how is it possible that something funnier from 2012 wasn’t nominated instead.
I just looked at red carpet pictures, and Lena Dunham…sorry girl. That dress is wearing you.
For what she generally wears, she looks good.
Eeeen Russia, dress wears you.
I think she could look cute, she should fire her stylist
Yeah, someone made a terrible decision on that dress. She can definitely look cute, just not so much in that.
I might have had to much margarita and not enough pizza. It’s getting dizzy up in here.
And by to I mean too.
SPEAKING OF SYLVESTER STALLONE: I watched Death Race 2000 last night and I totally recommend it. DAVID CARRADINE BEATS UP SLY STALLONE IT IS HILARIOUS.
Uh. Olivia Wilde just announced her engagement to Jason Sudeikis on Twitter. #buryingthestory #spendthoseapplebeesdollasonanicewedding
I love that they just kept cutting to Marion Cotillard during Michael Haneke’s speech.
Guys. I kind of hate Lea Michele. So glad that’s out.
Thank god it’s not just me.
does anyone actually like lea michele?
Her mom?
“don’t be scared, your mother loves you. don’t be proud, because she has to.” (any excuse to post harvey danger lyrics, this guy.)
yes she sucks
I love mary crowleys dress
Is that Julianna M’s date? Who needs an award! Hoo boy!
His eyes are like looking directly at heaven.
Oh thank god I thought Clare Danes was wearing a jumpsuit
Actually that would be hilarious. A 70s disco halter top jumpsuit. Now I am disappointed in you Danes. You could be wearing a disco halter top jumpsuit.
With sparkles! Sparkles everywhere!
and rollerskates!
Did Tina and Amy die backstage or something?
Target. Just stop. Please.
The worst part of those commercials is the whispering. I love Target, but it is creeping me out!
I usually like Target ads, but I have kind of had it with these supermodels in white.
Yeah, this bunch is just weird.
They are bringing up latent rage in me.
they’re not as bad as the holiday ones with the obnoxious singing couple.
So what did we think of Claire Danes’ speech? I think I liked it a lot.
She’s terrific, but seemed ever-so-slightly “Carrie Mathison Off Meds”.
I also think she is new mom tired
Don’t laugh too hard, Hugh Jackman! You know what might happen!
Ugh. Sacha Baron Cohen. Nope. Not having it.
I am rooting for Wreck it Ralph. I really liked Wreck it Ralph.
Sacha dropping some reality bombs about Russell Crowe.
I said “GO AWAY” a total of three times during that intro.
No it isn’t, being Brave is fighting bears bearhanded. Duh.
this show will never end, will it?
Hey all, I’m a little late. Got some fun life advice for all of you — don’t ever ever EVER try to start a fire in your fireplace with a Walgreens flyer. Just trust me.
And don’t ever try to cook bacon in the oven while giving your cat a bath. Trust me on that.
Oh dear! What do your curtains smell like now?
It actually happened to my best friend. All I got was a screaming phone call about how the fire department was coming over and her mom had yelled at her about having a messy apartment. But it’s a life lesson I hold dear. Her apartment smells fine now.
Hopefully okay?? I shut it down quickly, but I had to switch clothes (into my backup ballgown, obviously) after I had 2 industrial fans move new air in and crap air out. If it gets above freezing tomorrow, I’m going to air everything out AGAIN. But I got a good fire going and I think that undoes some of the bad?? I hope so. Eeek.
I’m kind of sick of Bateman’s schtick
whoaaaa ho a lotta batemen head’s in here
Oh, that little giggle fro Michelle Dockery was so endearing.
Cumberbatch is at the Downton Abbey table. AWKWARD!
You mean he’s at the best table! (any table occupied by Cumberbatch is the best table.)
AHAHAHAHAHA AMY IS LIVING THE DREAM
Does everyone’s hair look kind of purple? Is it the lights or is that a thing now? Also, Jodie looks fantastic. Not a big fan of the dress, but she is pulling it off. I bet it weighs 15 pounds.
No idea why this is here. Probably the fumes.
I AM VOMMING
Aw, she looks genuinely shocked and excited to win. And to be wearing heels.
Lena Dunham’s darkest moment: Having Mono
congratulations. how wonderful.
Lisa Dunham is very very talented.
I like how NBC is spending all of its ad money on promoting this daring new Jekyll/Hyde show, which basically looks unwatchable.
I mean I will watch it, but I will watch anything until it gets canceled ( I’m looking at you mob doctor and monkey doctor respectively)
i am never not going to have “no church in the wild” stuck in my head, as it turns out.
God I want to get drunk with Tina and Amy. It would be the absolute best.
What is going on, this is getting weird.
Someone mention Richard Gere’s hamster, please!!!
I’m glad they’re highlighting Nell in this montage. Her best work.
Holy shit young Jodie Foster looks a lot like Kirsten Stewart
I disagree.
Well there’s only one thing to do then. Death match. I will ask Swinton to be my second.
Benedict is mine.
Then it is settled. We will meet at dawn!
true to form, the golden globes decide to present this jodi foster montage in completely random non-chronological order.
yes thank you for including flight plan
But no Candleshoe!
Home for the Holidays FTW!!!
Jodie Foster is either too drunk or not drunk enough.
Somehow both.
Jodie Foster, what a lady.
what is happening?
I have no idea. I am confused and scared.
this is what happens when you give a fifty-year-old a “lifetime achievement award”.
she is still going… you can do it jodie. I BELIEVE IN YOU.
Jodie Foster’s brave stand against reality television, only 10 years too late
Mel Gibson looks haunted.
Are Jodi fosters best friends Mel Gibson and Robert Downey jr??
Awww she has ginger kids, they are adorable.
I feel like somewhere in the building there is someone agonizing over whether they should play the wrap it up music or let her keep going.
are Jodie Foster and Kevin Costner being set out on the White Ship to the Undying Lands tonight.
I really wonder how much longer this is going to go on.
This is the lowest-key cocaine induced monologue ever
Whew. I got a little sweaty there.
I loved that speech. And that hair. And those arms. Girl looks AMAZING. Let’s invite her to the feminist moon base.
OK, but I’m not sharing a minutes plan with her.
I would have liked to have read it. Seeing it was a bit much.
I think Jodie Foster was trying to tell us something about herself. I just can’t put my finger on it.
That she is NOT Honey Boo Boo was all I could piece together
can everyone stop calling out honey boo boo, she is a child.
What are you? Nell, from the movie Nell?
Hahahaha! Oh, good one, Quentin! You are a CARD.
I love a spit take!!!!!!!!
Ben Affleck also wins for sleekest beard
“Fuck you, Oscars”- Ben Affleck
Man. Every time they cut to Joaquin Phoenix he just looks so excited. The camera can’t handle it, you guys.
Affleck wins for Surviving Christmas! #congrats
I thought it was for reindeer games
Those difficult times he mentioned, he means Bennifer.
They’re in the same room. Do you think it’s tense in there or what!
So tense!
I have not seen Moonrise Kingdom yet, but I feel I must because Swinton
I need to see it too! I feel so behind.
it is very good.
it is very very good.
I think it’s especially good if you go in thinking “Wes Anderson is about to out-Wes Anderson himself in a big way.”
yeah, that is actually my one criticism- at times the dialogue felt a bit copy/paste from his other movies. Anderson’s world has some very specific colloquialisms (“Well, anyway…” being one of them)
They could get Clinton for Lincoln, but couldn’t even swing Bob Balaban to introduce Moonrise Kingdom?
I AM VOMMING 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
This made me laugh so hard that my husband came into the room to see what was wrong with me!
Jessica’s dress color is so perfect and that cut is so… not.
Why are my comments going random places??? What did the smoke do to me???
You replied to me because I think exactly the same thing about that dress.
The hate looks from actually funny actors, writers and producers is priceless.
7 Wes Andersons could fit into Orson Welles’ trousers. #filmfacts
They were very sweet, I liked seeing Victor Garber looking on affectionately.
Hi Batman!
Cooper is trying to cover up his magnificent butt hair.
PEE JOKES!!!
I saw John Hawkes behind Bradley Cooper, can he win something?
I want him to win everything. And then blow up the Met with Tilda Swinton on Oscar night.
What would you do if you saw Hugh Jackman just biking around?
Steal his bike tires.
Again.
OMG I’d be so excited I’d pee my pants.
Okay, folks, I am going to crack open a bottle of Rose and eat the chicken I roasted and the potatoes I mashed.
Have fun at the Golden Globes without me.
In which it remains bizarre that they lump dramatic musicals with comedies.
Ok. Home stretch!
The Bourne Drunkard.
*fingers crossed* please don’t have them sing.
Anne! Jesus! Contain yourself!
Guys, this is so long. I wanted to stop and watch The IT Crowd like 30 minutes ago.
I hope we all did well in our Golden Globe pools JK no one did!
I knew I shouldn’t have put my lifes savings on Breaking Wind Part I
when will Tina Fey and Amy Poehler come back to save us?
What were those other movies? I hadn’t heard of any of them. Get on it, PR people!
Jessica Chastain is adorable.
so good!
Jessica Chastain talking about her YEARS of work and struggle is probably going over super well with Hellen Mirren.
or 99% of all actresses over 37
She’s coming of like a real Anne Hathaway right now. Too grateful? Idk.
She was nowhere near as annoying as Hathaway.
You’re right.
#truefacts
Helen doesn’t give a fuck. She’s using Golden Globes as a base for her pyramid of awards.
Woah, he kissed Sally Field right on the mouth. Hot.
How could Daniel Day-Lewis beat Denzel Washington, the best actor ever. He’s so darn cool! He’s so darn clever!
Yes.
Because Daniel Day-Lewis is an inhuman acting robot. He’s Calculon!
Denzel looks 20 years younger then he is!! soo handsome
more like daniel day-LIGHTFUL i’m sorry
Never apologize.