What do you think of when you think of Anderson Cooper? His beautiful face and hair? That time you saw him in midtown? His giggling? His terrible daytime television show, and the time he held a fat cat, and found poop on his cell phone, and tried coffee and spinach for the first time, and yelled at the human barbie? His letter to Andrew Sullivan? His eyeballs? Or any of his real work (no link)? Well, get ready for all that shit to be blown right out of your brains and replaced with the one TRUE Anderson Cooper memory: When he saved America from a mailbox banana peel. From E! Online:

“There was a lady putting a used banana peel into a mailbox on my street, and for some reason, I don’t know why, it so bothered me I did something I’ve never done before,” Cooper recalled. “I stopped dead and I started yelling at her. This is my mailbox, by the way.”

Acting like the model citizen his fans imagine him to be, CNN’s top banana [Ed Note: Good.] took forceful action, not only upbraiding her for her laziness but physically restraining her from mailing off said peel.

“I pick up the banana peel, I pick up her hand and I turn it around; I open up her palm. I put the banana peel back in her palm. I don’t know when I became this guy,” said Cooper. “I put it back in her palm and I said, ‘Go walk across the street. Put it in the garbage can.’ And her daughters were there. Then I was like, ‘Who am I?’”

“AN-DER-SON COO-PERRRRRRR!” (To the tune of “24601,” obviously.) (FROM LES MIS.) Certainly all of America thanks Anderson Cooper for his brave banana gesture, especially those who had mail in that mailbox that day, and also the mailman who would have had to retrieve the banana. That woman and her daughters maybe don’t want to thank him at the moment — they are the only exceptions — but certainly in time they will learn their lesson and think back on what he did for them fondly. Thank you, Mr. Cooper. You are a true banana hero.

Comments (18)
  1. She was all sass! Pick up that banana peel you little trollop! Thith ith my thity too ya know girl! Then he did a twirl and two snaps and said “you better WORK…out your issues Lady!” And sashayed away!

  2. He should not have interfered, she was just trying to spread the good word.

  3. I would like to invite Anderson Cooper to hang out in our yard and yell at whatever neighbors are not picking up their dog crap.

  4. Gratuitous Andy Botwin gif.

  5. Maybe she was just confused and mistook the mailbox for a trashcan (we’ve all been there!) but this is the type of vigilante justice that I can really get behind. One time I was working as a tour guide for my university and while on a tour this guy took out a piece of candy and dropped the wrapper on the ground after unwrapping it. This other lady on the tour stared at him, then walked over, picked up the wrapper, and handed it back to him. It was just such an awesome and simple way to tell that guy that he sucks and that that is not acceptable behavior. We should all do this more so the assholes of the world learn we’re not gonna put up with their shit anymore!

    • There are two problems with this type of justice.

      1. Depending on their level of ignorance/stupidity/laziness, they will still not understand that they have done something wrong.

      2. People are just fucking crazy these days, and the one dishing out the justice could be physically harmed.

      • Yes, this is definitely a thing in NYC – somebody gets called out for doing something that everybody knows is wrong, and they are STILL a dick about it.

        But, also, that lady might have some Oliver Sacks type of brain damage and literally can’t remember the difference between the mailbox and the garbage can and the person on the corner handing out flyers. It’s all an abstract jumble of color and shape to her which ultimately reminds us of what a miracle consciousness actually is.

    • This reminds me of the time I was driving behind a car that threw a BAG OF TRASH out the window. I wrote down their tag number and called the police to report the litterbug. It turns out an officer has to see it happen. PSHH. Whatever happened to citizen’s arrest?!

      Also I once yelled at strangers who were trying to pet a sea turtle that was making its way up the beach to lay her eggs. Sorry Anderson, but saving baby turtles is much more important than your precious mail!

    • This is not the same thing because this woman was only harming me, but one time a woman very blatantly stole my parking spot and I confronted her and told her, “You’re a bad person.” Her child was in the back seat. I honestly can’t remember whether I noticed before or after.

  6. Now I am going to have that godawful tune in my head all day. 24601 indeed.

    I haven’t even seen the movie. I saw the stage version more than 20 years ago and its crap music still echoes in my head.

    I am trying to say Les Mis sucks.

  7. That picture of Anderson cooper “Banana Police” was just enough to start my day, thanks!

  8. She’s a bad banana.

  9. That’s not cool. Her sister in Dayton was really counting on that banana. Times are hard, Anderson, we all do what we can.

  10. Police later apprehended the suspect:

    (Come on! How was this image not posted like 200 hours ago?? Am I really the only one here who will sink to the lowest, most obvious possible comment?)

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