Finally an answer to the age-old question of if an entire television channel exists and none of us watch it or remember that it exists unless we read about it on Deadline, does it still continue to create a bunch of new unscripted series, each further and further away from anything you could ever see yourself or any other real human watching (with the exception of one about a school in New Orleans, which sounds like it could be worthwhile)? YES! We can finally stop wondering about that question! From Deadline:

OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network this morning announced four new unscripted series for 2013, including docu-series Raising Whitley, about comedienne Kym Whitley and her friends; Dogfellas, about a mobster-turned-dog groomer; and Blackboard Wars, about the efforts to improve a troubled New Orleans high school. OWN also has given a series order to Golden Sisters, the special/backdoor pilot about three frisky octogenarian sisters that aired last month.

The network also announced two scripted series from Tyler Perry called The Haves and the Have Nots and Love Thy Neighbor because Tyler Perry saw some throw pillows a few weeks ago and knew he could sell that stuff to somebody. But, anyway, so, ahhh, AHHH, DOGFELLAS!!!! “It’s like Cake Boss meets an errand you have to run.” “It’s like Golden Girls meets the show on Bravo about a hair salon, remember?” “It’s like, I don’t know, it’s just like a show about a person — I think you get what it’s like — but also the title is like Raising Hope and also Raising Arizona.” All the best. I guess I lied when I said that I couldn’t picture any real humans watching these shows because they all sound basically like any of the wildly successful TV shows that exist now, but if it’s so easy to create something that sounds like a wildly successful TV show WHY DON’T WE DO IT RIGHT NOW? Let’s try, it’ll be fun:

  • Shoeless: A bunch of valley girls want to open a shoe store together but they don’t have any money to start the store and also they don’t even know how one goes about starting a shoe store. Will they ever start the store?!
  • Modern Dog Family: Modern Family but with dogs. The dogs don’t talk but you can tell what they’re thinking from the music that’s played when they’re on screen.
  • Garbage Bros: Two brothers drive around looking for garbage.
  • Mob Dog: “You can teach an old mob dog new tricks!”
  • Baby Ladies: A bunch of ladies start a business where they try to teach other ladies how to be good mothers. Their methods are a little unorthodox (and the ladies definitely have a mouth on ‘em) but boy do they do a good job!

YOUR TURN!

Comments (24)
  1. FlameOut: A firehouse where all the firefighters are gay by sheer coincidence.

  2. Love unscRIPted: Follows a hot young mortician as she tries to find love.

  3. The Most Dangerous Game with Tilda Swinton: Join Academy Award winner Tilda Swinton as she and her trusty manservant track the most high-stakes game of all: man!

    Spooning with James McAvoy: James McAvoy teaches the audience how to spoon things, starting with adorable puppies and moving up to adorable sloths. For all levels.

    So you think you can Skydive: the contestants all think they can skydive, but can they? Find out at 5,000 feet!

  4. The OWN network sounds like a good place to hide if you’re trying to get out of the mob business.

  5. Chopping Wood: A group of lumberjacks test their culinary skills against one another in the Yukon.

  6. Oprah Does OWN: Watch Oprah as she tries to come up with new unscripted series for her network OWN.

    • Followed by:
      Behind Oprah Does OWN: Find out how the crew documents Oprah as she tries to come up with new unscripted series for her network, OWN.

      (Seriously though, that show where they followed around her poor staff doing the last season of the Oprah show was fascinating. They are all so scared, all the time!)

  7. The idea of a mobster leaving his old lifestyle behind to become a dog groomer seems ridiculous unless the guy realized the incredible name for his grooming store and thought, “The name alone could win me grammies!”

    I’ve thought about leaving behind my life to open a store called The Infantile Merchantile, a store for babies, managed by babies, owned by babies. The idea seems ridiculous, but the name is to die for.

  8. Godfellas: about a mobster-turned-priest

  9. Space Wedding Planner

    In the wake of Kate Winslet and Eugene Sexmachine’s space wedding, space weddings are sure to be all the rage. Space Wedding Planner follows two competing companies: OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDDINGS and MEN ARE FROM MARS LITERALLY AND WOMEN ARE LITERALLY FROM VENUS WHEN YOU GET MARRIED IN SPACE, as they try to outbook each other.

  10. Step By Step: Step-siblings who decide to bond by opening a step-aerobics studio.

  11. Waxy Driver: a mysterious Hollywood stuntman lands himself in trouble when he opens a waxing salon to help out his neighbour.

  12. Save the Date: a dating reality/game show where contestants first pick who they want to go on a date with, and must then save their date from some sort of predicament in order to go on the date.

  13. Garbage Bros: based on the Emilio Estevez tour de force, Men at Work.

  14. Hand Jobs: A group of struggling actors become hand models

  15. Garbage Bros — It’s always sunny did it already

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