How are everyone’s resolutions going so far? Great, I’m sure. My personal goals to start smoking and gain 500 pounds are going to be tough, but I think this is finally the year that they are going to stick. I’ve already had three cigarettes and I’ve only been to the gym twice! Regardless of whether you’re trying to get healthier or unhealthier this year, you’re going to want to pick up Gwyneth Paltrow’s new cookbook when it comes out in April, because IT’S ALL GOOD. Hahahaha. Here’s how the book came about! (You’re going to love this story, it’s a great story!) (via Eater):

Last spring, after a particularly grueling schedule and lapse of overindulgence, Gwyneth Paltrow was feeling fatigued and faint. A visit to her doctor revealed that she was anemic, vitamin D deficient, and that her stress levels were sky high. He prescribed an elimination diet to clear out her system and help her body heal. But this meant no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy, nothing processed at all!

An avid foodie, Paltrow was concerned that so many restrictions would make mealtime boring, so, together with Julia Turshen, she compiled a collection of 185 delicious, easy recipes that followed her doctor’s guidelines. And it worked! After changing her diet, Paltrow healed totally, felt more energetic and looked great.

I didn’t realize that you were allowed to put that you looked great in your own press release. That’s neat. Also what is this diet? That is literally everything that there is? Sounds like a great cookbook. “Your guests’ heads will fall off when they taste your carob loaf! And everyone will want seconds or even thirds when you serve Gwyneth’s signature dirt pie (no crust) for dessert.” Gross. If this is what it takes to look like you go to the same doctor as Gwyneth Paltrow then no thank you. I will continue to not go to any doctors whatsoever and diagnose myself on webMD thank you very much. Take a Centrum Silver and shut up. (Thanks for the tip, Raphael!)

Comments (40)
  1. This post made me LOL a lot. Just sayin’. LET’S GO 2013!!!!

  2. I can manage to avoid the alcohol and coffee, but NO DEEP-WATER FISH? This diet is crazy!

  3. Now I just need a time machine so I can give this to my dad for Christmas and recreate the BCS championship ticket video.

    Just kidding, my dad would be like, “what is this? Don’t buy cookbooks from skinny people.”

  4. Most doctors, when presented with a patient who is anemic and suffering from a vitamin D deficiency, would probably suggest eating foods high in iron and vitamin D.

    But Dr. Nick Riviera sees things a little differently.

  5. Also she was anemic and so the “doctor” prescribed no meat? I’m gonna have to call Bullshit on that. Please get a new doctor, Gwyneth! We need you around to make fun of!

    • There are much healthier ways to get iron in your system than meat – spinach, broccoli, certain beans, cooking vegetables on an iron skillet, making sure to eat foods rich in iron with foods rich in Vitamin C, etc. If she was super deficient in other stuff, odds are she wasn’t getting enough Vitamin C as well. She probably asked for a crazy restrictive diet to lose weight (and because it’s a good angle for a book) and it all morphed into this. I don’t eat a lot of heavy foods as a whole, and this book actually appeals to me because there are only so many ways to cook spinach and lentils* before you go insane.

      *This is a lie. There is an infinite number of ways to cook spinach and lentils.

      • Yeah, most veggies are good for “life change” to get more iron, but in the short run, red meat will very quickly impact her iron levels. But it’s Gwyneth so of course none of this has anything to do with her actual diet.

        • I also find it difficult to believe that she was diagnosed as clinically anemic and her doctor’s response was to cut things out of her diet. She was either not actually anemic, she is simplifying her doctor’s advice to suit her own ends, or her doctor is a quack. Or any/all of the above.

          “Oh, you are dangerously low on several crucial vitamins! You should probably un-diversify your meals and then pretend to the world that I didn’t prescribe any vitamins and present your own recipes [haha, as if she wrote them this time either] as medical advice to a gullible public!” – Gwyneth Paltrow’s doctor, apparently.

          • Honestly, I’m sure it’s all made up. But let’s say, just for argument’s sake, that she was actually eating a bunch of crappy English food and not getting any sunlight and drinking a ton of coffee and booze. She may have had some insane food allergy (though really probably a reaction to a bad diet and lack of going outside, etc.) and in order to figure out what was going on, they made her scale back things until they figured out the cause (which is actually semi-normal considering what kind of doc you see, guessing an allergist)… which was probably nothing unusual but the scaling back of stuff made her eat foods with less acidity and generally consume less toxic stuff, which sped up her body regulating back to normal. Most of the time, with the exception of friends and relatives who actually have celiac disease, it comes down to too much coffee and/or booze and too little sleep. A fair number of my friends have done reduction diets to figure out what the issue is and what seems counter intuitive works to a degree… especially if they figure out the real issue… which, again, is almost always too much caffeine and booze.

      • I’m going to let “crappy English food” go because Happy New Year! But the majority of the UK population is vitamin D deficient. We have such grim amounts of sunshine. I’m no Paltrow apologist and I totally agree that caffeine / sugar / alcohol are usually the issues, but don’t be hatin’ on our food! We got Jamie Oliver, Nigella AND Gordon Ramsay these days!

        • I was just in London for my honeymoon, and the food there was head and shoulders above anything we had in Paris.

        • I meant low in vitamins and general nutritional value because she was eating pub food instead of normal food. It wasn’t meant as a slight against anything (except winter or other times when fresh food is hard to find, even for a Gwyneth)!

          Also, I hear you. I’ve been taking Vitamin D supplements since I moved to my grey area and it does not make up for the lack of heat or actual sunshine or meyer lemons.

  6. “He prescribed an elimination diet to clear out her system and help her body heal. But this meant no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy, nothing processed at all!”

    See? Even rich people receive terrible health care!

  7. I too feel great fatigue when forced to endure a lapse of overindulgence.

    • And now that I look at that quote again, I’m not even sure what a lapse of overindulgence means. Does she usually overindulge, and does her fatigue come from a brief failure to overindulge? Or does she never overindulge, and does the overindulgence constitute a lapse? Is overindulgence specific to food, or does it also mean spending mad money on insane things?

  8. “When I am under doctor’s orders to avoid stress, I research hundreds of recipes, cook them to see which ones I like best, and then enter a business arrangement to publish my 185 favorites” — no one ever.

  9. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Doctor:

  10. If only Gwynnie had tried our cookbook first: http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/3934426

  11. It’s just 185 different ways to cut a carrot, right? Because I’m pretty sure the only thing she can eat on this diet is a carrot.

  12. You know what I do when I’m tired and stressed? Take a nap and tell everyone to go to hell. It’s been working like a charm!

    AND I can still eat all the DEEP-WATER FISH I want!

  13. My copy of How to Cook for Monsters arrived on Dec 27 and my new year’s food resolutions are to cook every single one of the delcious and healthy recipes included within! AND proceeds go to charity, ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME WITH THIS??

  14. I just really hope Chris Martin writes a song about Gwyneth’s cookbook and puts it on the next Coldplay album!!!!! Super psyched!!!!!!!

  15. I’m not sure why you’d cut out all that shit if you’re anemic…? I mean you need iron…I’m pretty sure all these diet fad people just spin a wheel and see if they can not eat the foods it lands on.

  16. Lainey Gossip summed up my feelings about this publication really well: “How about a collection of autobiographical recipes in which you tell us about the time Brad Pitt found out you cheated on him and then ate nachos? It would be the only gift I gave for a year. I would buy at least 50 copies. I would read it at least 50 times. I would eat everything in it.”

    Exactly.

  17. Man, the wealthy sure are frail, aren’t they?

  18. This is just the next step of her master plan to move the entire world onto the “Goop” diet, which is a beige, synthesized protein paste that may or may not be made out of people.

  19. What tests were these that revealed her “stress levels were sky-high?” Sounds very scientific and goopy and whatnot.

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