Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: hey kelly
Kelly: Thank you so much! Happy Holidays to you and yours, as well!
Kelly: How has the season been treating you so far
Gabe: pretty good, thanks
Gabe: i like the holidays
Gabe: people who don’t like the holidays are jerks
Kelly: I agree
Kelly: What’s not to like about fun and joy
Kelly: And eating and drinking and sweaters
Kelly: And presents
Gabe: and people getting together to celebrate something
Gabe: and work being kind of slow and pointless
Gabe: and a general air of momentary positivity
Gabe: it is seriously just too much EFFORT to dislike the holidays
Gabe: cut yourself some slack, take a break from your whole THING
Gabe: we know we know, you are a grump, let it go
Kelly: Right
Kelly: No one asked anyway
Gabe: hahaha yeah
Gabe: no one ever asks “do you like the holidays?”
Gabe: but these grumps sure do feel comfortable answering “I hate the holidays”

Kelly: haha yup
Kelly: “Actually, this is unpleasant for me.”
Kelly: “What?”
Kelly: Luckily for them though it is December 19 already and w’re just about over the joy hump and into the darkness that is January 2013
Gabe: yeah, good news grumps: there’s a whole miserable year spooling out in front of you
Gabe: give us, like, two more days and you can have it back
Gabe: (i do not know when christmas is and also is it the same day as new year’s?)
Kelly: (Yeah it’s actually New Year’s night. It’s a different day & time every year but this year they’re on the same day.)
Kelly: Well
Kelly: One of the greatest end-of-year holiday traditions that I’m sure even grumps can enjoy
Kelly: Is the unveiling of Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”
Gabe: whoa
Gabe: kelly!
Kelly: what?
Gabe: have you ever thought about applying
Gabe: to teach
Gabe: at Segue University?
Kelly: Oh, I have a LOT of good contacts there.
Gabe: you are a natural!
Kelly: Thank you! It’s actually the product of a lot of self-teaching, but I’m happy to hear that it seems natural!
Kelly: Speaking of natural
Gabe: haha
Gabe: yeah?!
Gabe: ok, nvermind
Gabe: your segues are too slow
Kelly: Barack Obama — what a NATURAL choice for person of the year!
Kelly: :’(
Kelly: No, wait, pay attention to my segue!!

Gabe: and the oscar for world’s slowest segue is given too…
Kelly: Speaking of Oscars, why doesn’t Barack Obama have one?
Gabe: i’m pretty sure he won the oscar for peace
Gabe: and people were mad
Kelly: Huh. Who knows! But something he DOES have
Gabe: this is horrible
Gabe: i am hating talking to you right now
Gabe: is this what people mean?
Gabe: when they complain about the holidays?
Gabe: “you have to listen to all of kelly’s segues”
Kelly: Uh, I’m pretty positive that my constant stream of segues is ALWAYS a hit at holiday parties.
Kelly: Speaking of things that I feel pretty positive about
Kelly: I feel pretty positive about Barack Obama being named Time’s person of the year! How about you?
Gabe: he’s cool
Kelly: Yeah he’s cool
Gabe: you know, that makes me think who should be Videogum’s person of the year?
Gabe: (see, kelly? just get right to the segue)
Gabe: (none of this futzing around)
Kelly: (I thought I learned everything I could from you already but as it turns out there was still one more thing to learn!!!!!!)
Kelly: I don’t know
Kelly: Barack Obama?
Gabe: yes, barack obama
Kelly: Cool
Kelly: Have a good new year!
Gabe: you too bye!
Kelly: Oh wait though
Kelly: I forgot about Lindsay Lohan
Gabe: person of the year, kelly, not toilet ruiner of the year
Kelly: hahah :(
Gabe: i think the Videogum Person of the Year is probably
Gabe: uhhhhhhh
Kelly: Krispy Kreme
Gabe: hahahahaha
Gabe: yeah, actually krispy kreme for real
Gabe: froggy fresh
Kelly: Froggy Fresh

Kelly: Love of my life, Froggy Fresh
Gabe: whoa
Gabe: “how did you guys meet?” (question at your wedding)
Gabe: “she used to write posts about me on a blog”
Gabe: “but sometimes someone else would write the posts”
Gabe: “will you excuse me one second, i need to go kill the rap game”
Kelly: hahahah
Gabe: krispy! do you have to kill the rap game on your wedding night?!
Gabe: A: yes
Gabe: sorry, froggy
Kelly: “I love how you never stop killing the rap game, because you can’t. I love your loyalty to Moneymaker Mike. I love how you’re not afraid to stand up to James.”
Kelly: those will be my vows
Gabe: hahaha
Gabe: and his vows will just be
Gabe: the lyrics to The Baddest
Kelly: hahaha
Kelly: Perfect, ugh we’re going to be so happy together
Gabe: money maker mike’s toast is going to be pretty awkward
Gabe: just five to ten minutes of silence
Gabe: and then he will raise his glass
Kelly: hahah yes
Kelly: Plates and cups will be John Cena themed
Kelly: Snot on BOTH our noses
Gabe: hahhahahah
Gabe: you may now hold hands with the bride!
Kelly: hahah awww
Kelly: what a dream!
Gabe: it was very classy of you
Gabe: to turn the important decision
Gabe: of Videogum’s Person of the Year
Gabe: one of the most prestigious awards
Gabe: into your weird wedding fantasy, by the way
Gabe: “who is videogum’s person of the year?” – Gabe
Gabe: “MY HUSBAND!” – Kelly
Kelly: hahahah
Gabe: cool move, kelly
Kelly: Thank you, Gabe
Gabe: maybe you should be Videogum’s Person of the Year
Kelly: OK!
Kelly: Thank you!!!!!

Gabe: i’m surprised you didn’t just name yourself
Gabe: “I hope he says me! I hope he says me!”
Gabe: that was you during this whole chat
Kelly: And now you finally did
Kelly: Thank you so much, Gabe
Kelly: This means a lot and I really deserve it
Kelly: I will share the crown with Krispy Kreme
Kelly: And cannot wait for our Person of the Year luncheon with Barack Obama
Gabe: UGH
Kelly: But I guess it isn’t really fair for me, the obvious shoo-in, to take the title
Kelly: When I am technically one of the judges
Gabe: “technically”
Gabe: it’s all semantics really
Kelly: Mmhm
Kelly: I don’t know who else other than Krispy Kreme
Kelly: Benedict Cumberbatch?
Kelly: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! :’(
Gabe: honestly, i don’t even want to start talking about other possible People of the Year if your next best suggestion is Benedict Cumberbatch
Gabe: since that is just going to turn into
Gabe: yet another wedding dream sequence
Kelly: hahahaha
Gabe: “we’re at the top of Big Ben”
Gabe: “the guy who plays Mycroft is Benny’s best man”
Gabe: forget it
Gabe: save it for our Best People of 2012 round up
Gabe: that we are publishing next week
Gabe: you sick pervert
Gabe: who wants to marry everything in sight
Kelly: I just don’t want to end up alone
Kelly: Or worse
Kelly: Married to some NOBODY
Kelly: Who do you want to marry from 2012
Gabe: Briona
Gabe: she seems great
Kelly: hahahah!
Kelly: Good choice.
Kelly: From what I know she is quite a catch
Kelly: I wonder if Time Magazine even had “Video for Briona” boy in the running for Person of the Year
Kelly: baby girls
Gabe: it’s ok, he forgives them
Gabe: Time is more important to him than gold and diamonds are to the GREEDIEST burglar
Kelly: hahaha
Gabe: well it has been great chatting with you, kelly
Gabe: not today, really
Gabe: today was kind of gross
Gabe: but this year
Kelly: I loved today
Kelly: But it’s been great chatting with you otherwise too, Gabe
Gabe: i heard every time a chat pings an angelfire gets its BARF PLEASE RT

Comments (21)
  1. My person of the year is, for the 30th year and counting, TILDA SWINTON! CONGRATULATIONS TILDA WE SHOULD HAVE LUNCH TO CELEBRATE!

  2. Kelly Kreme > Kelly Fresh

  3. Dear Kelly,

    Can you please explain why segue is not pronounced “seeg”? And instead it is pronounced like that gyroscopic rolly thing? There seems to be no other English word that works like that.

    - Searching Everywhere, Especially Grateful
    (for your answer)

  4. I was thinking that guy from Muse would get Person of the Year.

  5. A Christmas wedding…

  6. Did anyone else think for a minute it would be Gary?

  7. It’s time a goat finally won:


    • If Buttermilk ever develops a taste for corn on the cob, we’re all in trouble.

    • Awesome. It’s about time someone recognized how much the efforts of goats improves our lives.

      Actually, this reminds me of a time in college when one of the English courses required us to do a semester long research project. There were multiple reports and presentations done on any subject of our choosing. One of the girls selected cows. She got up at the beginning of the semester and talked about how much she loved cows and everyone laughed and gave her high-fives thinking she was being ironic and living above the system (or something. I never understood college.) But as the semester went on, it became more and more apparent that the lady was seriously, genuinely, head over heels in love with cows. Madly in love with cows. I learned so much about cows that year. I might as well have just taken COWS 211 or something.

      Anyway. My subject was about sleeping. And if there is anything I learned in college it’s that sleeping should be everyone’s person of the year, every year.

  8. 2010 was Double Rainbow Guy and This year it was Froggy. Who was it last year?

  9. How did Gabe find the plans to my Benedict Cumberbatch dream wedding?

  10. Aaron Paul’s in for a rude surprise when he logs onto videogum today.

  11. I agree that people who dislike the holidays are sometimes jerks. I understand that people hate how capitalism takes over, but there’s a way to celebrate without giving in to that and you can’t sit around hating how other people engage with something you choose to engage with differently. Anyway, I love this time of year and if you don’t like it, that’s fine, but don’t get in my face about how I like it or if you think it’s dumb. I also like rainbows and unicorns and goats jumping off of other goats.

    • That would be a lot easier to do if one could choose NOT to engage with Christmas and holiday things, instead of the reality, which is that if you are not Christian and/or do not wish to be inundated with Christmas, you have to sit at home from Halloween to New Year’s with the curtains closed, and never turn on your TV or radio or use the internet at any point (which really helps with the feeling of isolation that being a non-Christian creates). And given how many people have the attitude of “Good will towards all and FUCK YOU if you don’t like it,” I’m not sure that it’s the people who dislike the holidays who are jerks.

      Is it really such a hardship to celebrate in your home and on your person and in your place of worship? Is anyone’s holiday really lessened by not making someone listen to the shittiest version of Winter Wonderland imaginable while they’re just trying to get a sandwich the Monday before Thanksgiving? I would challenge anyone who doesn’t understand why people get grumpy to plod through months of something they don’t enjoy and may actively be isolated and alienated by every year while hearing about how they ruin it for everyone else by being such a grinch who just wants to go about their life in peace, the way they allow Christians to do every day.

  12. Glad I tuned into your noise, may your feminism reek with empowerment.

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