Yesterday afternoon, the news broke that Lindsay Lohan clogged a toilet. Not only that, but she clogged a toilet so bad that all the other toilets on the movie set had to be shut down for days. DAYS! Can you even imagine? “What happened, I need to use the bathroom?” “You cannot use the bathroom, Lindsay Lohan broke the bathroom, via her own toilet, which she clogged. DON’T YOU EVEN READ THE NEWS?!” Now, of course, Lohan is claiming that she was “framed,” and that the toilet clogging story was just a horrible rumor created by the Scary Movie 5 producers in retaliation for her not showing up to her first day of shooting. Probably! Occam’s Razor suggests that if you are unsure whether or not Lindsay Lohan clogged a toilet, the most ridiculous answer (that she was FRAMED) is probably the correct one. In any case, this is just another story in a long string of stories about America’s lady of interest that seem to appear on a nearly daily basis at this point. Will it ever end? Not unless Random House and Penguin stop getting into bidding wars over all of these Lindsay Lohan books, says James Franco in an interview with MTV (via TheSuperficial):

MTV: It seems like every few months there’s a setback for her.
Franco: I haven’t talked to her in a long time because it seemed like she was getting into some more trouble. I’ve tried to help her. I think one of the reasons it’s so hard is when she gets in trouble, she gets all this attention and I’m sure she gets book offers. Like she goes to jail, and instead of feeling like I really hit a low place, she’ll get a crazy offer for her jail memoir.

Haha, yeah. Lindsay Lohan’s real problem is all of these BOOK DEALS. At a certain point, America is going to need to realize that it is perpetuating a dangerous and destructive cycle of BOOK DEAL OBSESSION. I feel like you can’t go a week without hearing that Lindsay Lohan is writing another book about her exploits. The Perfect Crime: How I Was Framed For Clogging A Toilet: The Lindsay Lohan Story, Part 100. OUR generation’s Harry Potter. And where does it end? What’s next for this poor girl? Endless college degrees? Dr. Franco, does she need to worry about excessive college degrees and adjunct professorships during concurrent semesters on opposite sides of the country while also putting together a cocaine-fueled chapbook of her graduate thesis poetry on the way to the art gallery to sell her performance piece to Harmony Korine as a bit for the documentary about MadTV she is directing?! PLEASE, DR. FRANCO, HELP HER HELP US!

Comments (30)
  1. I for one blame our weak American low-flow toilets. HOW MANY MUST SUFFER FROM THIS INDIGNITY, BIG TOILET?

    • I am FOR low-flow. Have you ever used the alternative? It’s horrible. You flush and water goes flying everywhere, like it’s on a goddamn vacation.

  2. Celebrity jail memoir sounds like a winning new genre.

  3. I have a feeling Lindsay would be a better writer than James Franco.

  4. He has two MFAs so he knows.

  5. This read exactly like his advice column, “If I May Be So Franco?”

  6. also, ecstasy dumps are the worst

  7. “If only I could go to jail and then take monstrously inhuman dumps, then people would read my poetry” – James Franco

  8. Hey James Franco, any ideas about the Kardashians?

  9. Also did you guys read that thing about Suri Cruise’s Christmas gifts from her parents? And how much they are spending?

    Fuck, I just read that last sentence and now I want to stab myself in the face for having an opinion and/or knowing anything about Suri Cruise.

    Sorry, everybody!

  10. The title of this article should be: Gabe Diagnoses The James Franco Diagnoses The Lindsay Lohan Situation Perfectly

  11. “Hmmm….Lindsay Lohan minorly inconvenienced my life. How shall I enact my revenge? I know! I will frame her! For pooping! Muahahahahaha!” – A producer for Scary Movie 5, who is also a cartoon villain.

  12. The odd thing is that James Franco is kind of right, if he weren’t so book-crazy and so intent on impressing Gary Shteyngart or whatever. He substitutes “book” for other, more plausible words. In Mad Libs, it’s his go-to noun.

    “I think one of the reasons it’s so hard is when she gets in trouble, she gets all this attention and I’m sure she gets [offered tons of blow]. Like she goes to jail, and instead of feeling like I really hit a low place, she’ll get a crazy offer for [taking her clothes off in Playboy or doing porn].”

    Which is certainly a more nuanced take from our young, handsome literary pie-lover.

  13. I can imagine a courtroom, The Lindsey Lohan case to end all cases, Where exhibit A is a ever so curious picture from

  14. Oh man, this is so embarrassing! What if you clogged the toilet at work and all your co-workers not only knew about it, but sold that information as news! That is basically a version of a recurring nightmare I have (being forced to poop in a stand-alone toilet while one or more people make eye contact and talk to me).

  15. I don’t know what is more embarrassing for Lohan: clogging all the toilets with a huge dump, or James Franco sort of defending her?

  16. She should’ve blamed it on tampons!

    You know how it is when you bring up anything related to menses… everyone tries to change the subject quickly. Easy out!

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