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Fitted Sweats was so intrigued by yesterday’s viral hit “Your Business Card Is Crap” that he did some research, and found an amazing video by the same guy. It turns out his name is Joel Bauer, and he’s one of those famous-in-a-very-small-world “Passion And Profit” motivational speakers (and is also called an “infotainer” and and “weath mentor.”) Turns out, Joel has put his own videos up on Google Video, like this one, where he indulges his fans by showing them, in detail so reminiscent of a less dapper Patrick Bateman that it’ll blow your mind, how he packs his luggage before a speaking engagement. I don’t think we’ve ever posted something this long on Videogum, but luckily, the crazy starts at :01 and doesn’t let up until 20:54, so you can enjoy it for as long as you want, but if you’re like me, you won’t be able to look away. (Also, a bonus video of Joel on TV!):

This suitcase is “airtight like a frog’s butt” (that is just one of about a thousand quotable moments, here):

“I talk about mandarin collars a lot with women.” Also, “I don’t even listen to music, I listen to motivational concepts and my own pitches.” Also, finding out this guy is into karate is the least shocking thing ever. Bonus! Here’s Joel on TV talking about both his business card and his packing strategy:

I feel like if Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark really existed, they would be just like this guy. There’s a lot more exploring to do. I think Joel Bauer is about to be an internet celebrity in a way he never intended.

Comments (51)
  1. oh.  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +15

    He lives in such a vacuum of douche that I’m :( -ing at the same speed as a feather and a bolwing ball.

  2. Andrew  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +14

    He wants to be close to an elevator in case of a fire?

  3. Unintentional internet success almost invariably leads to cashing in, in very sad ways. I can’t wait for this cycle to complete.

    • But he’s rich already! He keeps reminding us, with his free hotel room that’s just a “regular room” now but will be a suite later in the week, and his expensive clothes, and his shoes that have a heavy sheen.

  4. neoprene booties

  5. I’ve got news for Joel Bauer: a frog’s butt is not so air-tight as he thinks it is. (No questions, please)

  6. Have you ever met a human that was such a douce bag that you immediately wanted to clean your vagina with them?

  7. He needs to get laid.

  8. Gmarley  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +14

    I dare you to ask him “How do you make love?” THAT is a video tutorial the world is ready for.

  9. YJ  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +4

    Can we have a reality show where he teams up with Kanye West on entrepreneurial projects? Pretty please.

    Pretty please!

  10. omg, I have a neoprene laptop case. I’m halfway to success!

  11. Al  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +2

    Reminds me of Mr. Show: Power, Profit, and Passion-
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwcPnseyuM
    though that is based on another guy named Marshall Sylver.

  12. Sara  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +3

    I love him so much. I watched that whole fucking 20 minutes. He is the worst. I want to ply Troy with alcohol and get all the secrets!! Every time Joel asks him something he’s like, “hm,” all noncommittal/beaten into submission.

    “…So you can give yourself an immediate shoeshine before you walk onstage.” Wonderful.

    “Gazzzoline” Amazing.

  13. yomomma  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +3

    I guarantee that I would “lose” his suitcase too.

  14. i like the part where he pulls the laptop out of the jacket. i had forgotten it was in there.

  15. zik  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +1

    This just depresses me. Every aspect of it.

  16. Are ‘elastic jeans’ expensive for someone who knows casualwear?

  17. People like this is why I drink.

  18. wowza  |   Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 +5

    In which pocket does he store the pounds of coke he’s obviously snorting.

  19. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I wanted to only watch like 2 minutes but it was relentless douchebaggery and it eventually broke my brain. I stone cold want to fight this guy but he has so much energy and is so prepared for everything. I could not live with myself if he kicked my ass, I promise.

  20. “generating a travel vest” OMFG amazing right troy? huh

  21. Yellow: the color of marketing. ???
    And sneakers for the gym = not vital?
    Otherwise this guy is a genius with his laptop jacket.

  22. “Ladies, this won’t apply to you, because you’ll be wearing the mandarin collars.”

  23. ronton  |   Posted on Apr 11th, 2009 +4

    He’s trained professional speakers in using a trackball instead of a mouse?
    What does that training consist of?
    three black tshirts?
    he is entrancing – Im sure he’s a great speaker

  24. ronton  |   Posted on Apr 11th, 2009 +2

    “protected against what may be inappropriate on the ground”

  25. Rita  |   Posted on Apr 11th, 2009 +1

    I’m more than a little uncomfortable with how he describes himself as mentoring Troy at “seducing with the truth.”

    I believe THAT would be why Troy is so noncommittal in his responses. He’s been seduced with the truth and ended up Joel Bauer’s sex slave in AUS.

  26. How has noone mentioned the best part?

    “ITS GOT-FIFTY-FIVE POCKETS IN IT”

    completely shocking.

  27. incoming edit of this video with group x, shifty five

  28. the douchery… it burns my eyes

  29. Joel Bauer is my father. Also, Troy is my girlfriend.

  30. His whole persona hinged on not dropping that laptop during the clip.

  31. you just know these sustained monologues run continuously through his wonderful brain.

  32. Adam  |   Posted on Apr 13th, 2009 0

    are you sure thats not the Kanji for douche?

  33. Adam  |   Posted on Apr 13th, 2009 0

    Troy is deff naked behind that camera

  34. Rob  |   Posted on Apr 14th, 2009 0

    17:29. Perfectly arranged vitamin bottles, “I’m bowling a perfect game.” Amazing.

  35. Andy  |   Posted on Apr 14th, 2009 +2

    This is where all the Sharper Image merchandise went after the clearance sales ended.

  36. lisa  |   Posted on Apr 15th, 2009 +2

    Ok, if he’s such a packing genius, why are the things he would actually use on his flight ALL the way at the bottom of his suitcase?

  37. WHAT IS HE DOING WITH HIS HEAD DURING THE STEAMER DEMONSTRATION???

    And when he starts justifying to Troy the worth of Troy being forced to hold the camera for 20 minutes? This video has so much masturbation I’m this close to reporting it to the FCC.

  38. they are indestructible…

  39. Warren  |   Posted on Apr 15th, 2009 +1

    He should watch his own video and just wrap his laptop in martial arts pants. They’re indestructible!

  40. SML  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 0

    this is the real lift Swight Schrute. martial arts pants, because they are indestructable.

  41. Comment  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +1

    This guy is going to be a movie starring Will Ferrell.

  42. supyo  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 0

    The Jacket is my favorite.
    “I wasn’t gonna do this, but I want you to see how incredible this really is.”
    “Pillow, blankets, oh yeah, it’s pretty crazy.”

  43. Bill  |   Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 +2

    2 words: Herb Tarlek

  44. Monkey  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 +1

    “In the event something explodes on an airliner and theres a bottle of water in there, and thats happened before, I’ve protected my laptop.”

  45. kathy  |   Posted on Apr 21st, 2009 0

    Did I miss the toothbrush and razor?

  46. Enrico Limcaco  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2009 0

    10:43 “And that’s my steamer.”

  47. J-lo  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2009 0

    So he can travel for up to two weeks, and he only brings one pair of real PANTS? 2 sleep/workout pants, one suit, 3 HUNDRED shirts, but only one pair of… elastic jeans. What if he craps his pants before the show? And I just realized… the spare UNDERWEAR. Please oh please tell me he is going commando the whole time.
    Also, yeah, what is with the head bobbing while he’s holding the steamer.

  48. Grant  |   Posted on Apr 24th, 2009 0

    I just figured out why this guy takes all these precautions… Joel Bauer is Jack Bauer’s brother!!! OH NOEZ!!!

    Hmmm…running shoes…where are they for working out…wonder if his pointed dress shoes make him look slender while running and draw more attention to his face and hands…

  49. Joel,

    Can’t believe you gave up the garment bag! I also like your line, “a pack of cards for playing…”.

    Best,

    Bob

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