Apparently, Bradley Cooper may or may not be losing his hair. You really never know these days. I also saw a headline this morning that Olivia Wilde’s publicist says she is NOT getting engaged to Jason Suedekis, which I didn’t even know was a rumor that needed debunking in the first place. So, take everything in this world with a grain of salt, including salt itself, because you never know with salt. (What?) The point is: Bradley Cooper, if he IS losing his hair, which we do not even know if this is true or not, is allegedly very upset about it and spending a lot of money both on procedures to stop the loss and also on legal documents to keep it a secret. Although it is not a very good secret if Dumb Dumb Delahaye over here is already blabbing about it? From the National Enquirer (via Celebitchy):

Fomer Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper has demanded that his personal hairstylist keep a lid on rumors about his receding hairline. “He brought in a special stylist while he films The Hangover Part III and is paying boucoup bucks for her to sign a confidentiality clause,” says a source. “He comes from a long line of bald guys and has used Propecia for year,” the source tattles to Star. “Brad’s thrown himself into work and is desperate for an Oscar nod in February, but he’s paranoid about going bald. He thinks it could kill his leading-man status.” Worried that his hair is a major part of his sex appeal, the insider reveals, Bradley has been “getting a cutting-edge hair-loss treatment and taking a battery of natural supplements — and he’s only washing his hair every three days, with expensive organic shampoos.”

Awww, BRADLEY!!! Here’s the thing:

I get it, man. As someone whose thinning hair has caused him plenty of unexpected stress because when he was a teenager he did not think that he was invincible the way that some teenagers do and in fact thought it was all too likely that he would get killed in some dumb way like a stray baseball would hit him in the head or maybe a car would roll off the back of one of those trucks on the highway that carries all the cars and crush his face into a facemeat pancake, he did however think that his hair was invincible because that shit did not give up, no matter how hard he tried. And now look at him: succumbing to the ravages of time just like every other poor sap. But here’s the thing: GET OVER IT, BABY BRO! For one thing, uh, you have so much hair in all of your photos. You look great. Very sexiest. But also, just, like, remember that there’s other stuff going on in the world, you know? Susan Rice had to withdraw her nomination for Secretary of State yesterday over the Benghazi thing, which will at least shut some very annoying people up, but also seems kind of lame, and is certainly more upsetting on a personal level than, like, a super duper vain thing that is embarrassing to even hear as a rumor much less admit out loud. You know what I mean? The East Coast is still suffering from hurricane Sandy and will be for months more. 20 percent of the world’s population continues as it has for decades to not have access to clean drinking water. The middle east is an impossibly violent mess, as usual, but also more than usual actually. But then going back to you: you’re living your dream of being a movie star and beyond that you’re even relatively well respected all things considered, and it’s a dream that you knew from the beginning could be fleeting even if you got a hold of it, and it hasn’t even fled you, so just chillllllllll. With all of the things that are coming down the pipeline for all of us, even the luckiest of us, in terms of losing loved ones, having hearts broken, contracting illnesses, this is going to prove to be, like, the least of your worries, buddy. So here’s the deal I am offering: we can either keep talking about this, or we can exchange photos of different animals dressed like Santa. That is an offer to the readers, yes, but it is also an offer to Bradley Cooper himself. Do you want to make yourself sick with worry about a thing that is not even a fucking thing, or do you want to look at those cute little guys with the true holiday spirit? Up to you, lunatic(s).

Comments (50)
  1. I know which one I prefer.

  2. R2′s new student loan debt relief plan – go to LA, find Bradley Cooper, obtain photographic evidence of hair loss, get boucoup bucks for keeping quiet about it.

  3. Lets meet in the middle with bald animals dressed like Santa.

  4. I thought baldness was carried by the mother’s genes. Because misandry, I assume.

    Also:

  5. I dressed my dog up virtually since he hates wearing clothes, but I did NOT put those thoughts in his head!

    • That woman is about to get so many diseases, but I think it’s worth it.

      • This for some reason reminds me of when I worked at a health clinic as a receptionist, one year, during the holidays, a woman called to tell us that she stole a duck from our parking lot. Not a fake duck that was ours, an actual duck that I assume belonged to itself that had just been hanging out with its duck buddies, doing duck things. We tried to convince her to not keep a wild duck in her house because I assume they are riddled with parasites and disease, but she decided to keep it.

        • Is that the same woman who died from the bubonic plague a few years ago?

        • At my old office, before I worked there, one of my coworkers took a dog who was tied up outside while its owner was inside one of the neighboring buildings. She ran around the office with it yelling, “It’s a puppy! It’s a puppy!” Then she just tied it back up outside when everyone was done petting it.

        • As long as she cooked it to an internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit, I’m sure the duck lady was fine.

  6. Hey B Coop (can I call you that?), you should talk to a buddy of mine. I’m sure he’s got great advice:

  7. I have been waiting for this post MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!

  8. So much for that “confidentiality clause” lol

  9. I was doing this before it was cool

  10. Bradley is Regenepure! That’s right he is using a hair loss shampoo with ketoconazle. He always buys it on http://www.regenepure.com

  11. Bradley must be using Bio Follicle HSS Normal Mild Package for mild hair from http://www.biofollicle.com/

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