Guys, you know I don’t usually say this, but this is a great week for trailers! There’s a ton of good ones in here! I guess it must be that time of year where they are trying to get us pumped up for six months from now when it is warm again and the movies are flowing like sweet berry wine. And guess what: it worked! I’M SUPER PUMPED! FOR SOME OF THESE MOVIES BUT NOT ALL OF THEM! Let’s check ‘em out, cool:

After Earth

This movie has everything I would normally want in a movie. Exciting space adventures. Great action sequences. Nifty space suits. Mankind’s eternal struggle with loneliness, existential dread, and the search for purpose in an indifferent and absurd universe. But the idea of watching Jaden Smith running around ALONE for two hours makes me want to cryosleep my eyes out. Also what is wrong with Will Smith’s accent? Is that how they crashed? Mayday! Mayday! We have a serious accent malfunction we are going down! Ah repeat, we ahre goin’ down! Oh also M. Night Shyamalan suuuuuucks I feel like that goes without saying and yet needs to be said constantly.

Oblivion

This. Looks. Great. Let’s. Leave. It. At. That.

Man of Steel

Cool. Everyone deserves a seventh chance, right Zak Snyder?

Lone Ranger

Yo, Is This Racist?: The Movie.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

I never saw the first GI Joe, and it is a particularly silly franchise on par with Transformers but even a little sillier in a way because it doesn’t have the catchy angle of cool robots, but I have to admit this movie looks kind of fun in the way dumb terrible things like this can also just be so so fun. Also The Rock, man. THE ROCK.

Downloaded

I could not get through this trailer. I love documentaries and I work on the Internet and I totally heard music once, but what a snooze. Hey, maybe it’s the best documentary ever made! Not the best trailer for a documentary, though.

The Sorcerer And The White Snake

This looks kind of fun and cool but it also looks kind of a cornball mess. A BIT LIKE LIFE. Hahahha. TGIF.

Unforgiven

OK.

Pacific Rim

Uh oh! Look, I’m excited for this. Guillermo Del Toro is interesting, and give it up to mecha fighting trans-dimensional sea beasts, also IDRIS ELBA, but I def have some problems at least right now. For one thing, that last shot of the robot flying through the bridge and then catching his balance is just some straight up Optimus Prime shit. Second of all, if the tag line is “To Fight Monsters We Created Monsters” then it suggests that the actual drama of the movie is going to be that the robots go rogue or something, which is cool and interesting but why isn’t that represented here? It’s not like the trailer isn’t already too complicated. “We used to think there were aliens but instead there’s a portal in the ocean and also did you see Avatar?” There’s a lot going on, so a little bit more that makes this feel like something besides SUPER PUNCH OUT would have been nice oh well u cannot have it all.

Comments (46)
  1. NOT RIGHT NOW

  2. The still for The Sorceror And The White Snake makes it look like something I would watch but never admit to anybody that I watched it.

  3. Why did they call it Pacific Rim and not Water Godzilla vs. Iron Man Voltron?

  4. Any guesses for what the twist will be in After Dark?

  5. UGH. I’m so sick of the post 2000 dark/gritty gunmetal grey sci-fi movie with a hypermasculine hero who has a dumb gravelly voice. Remember when sci-fi had interesting color palettes and avant-garde costume design?

    Yeah let’s go back to that, please.

    • And yes Bruce Willis had a dumb gravelly voice but they also dressed him in Gautier for the whole movie and also there were these guys:

    • You seem to be implying that all sci-fi movies used to be like The 5th Element. I’m pretty sure that the 5th Element is the only movie that was ever like the 5th Element. I think that all sci-fi movies used to be like Independence Day and now they’re all like I, Robot.

      • 2001: A Space Odyssey, Blade Runner, A Clockwork Orange, Back to the Future, Brazil, Serenity, Moon, WALL-E and the original Star Wars trilogy are all other good examples of interesting futuristic visual aesthetics and design (albeit some being more textured and grittier than others, as well as being more truly hard sci-fi than others, and of course they all pay tribute to films that came before them, or the films are straight-up paving the way themselves; i.e. There would be no Moon without 2001, there would be no Fifth Element without Blade Runner/Brazil, there would be no Star Wars trilogy without Buck Rogers/Hidden Fortress/Triumph of the Will).

        I imagine the design team behind The Fifth Element had a goddamn blast the whole time they worked on that film.

  6. Do you guys think that Superman needs special razors to shave his beard off? I would have thought that your standard Earth-razor would be no match for his yellow-Sun enhanced Kryptonian super beard.

    • I read a 30-post long thread about this very topic earlier this week.

    • Couldn’t he just stay out of the sun for long time? Like, maybe take a year sabbatical in Seattle, then shave?

    • He uses his laser-vision and a mirror, if memory serves me correctly.

      • I have no idea how he is able to cut his own hair with this method, so just know that I don’t have all the answers. I just know his hair is invincible too.

        OH! But Superman is weak to magic! SO if he got himself an enchanted straight razor from Wonder Woman as a gift or something he could have with that.

        IN FACT, when Superman died fighting Doomsday in the ’90s, and there was a scene where doctors were trying to hook him up to machines for blood transfusions or whatever, nobody could get their needles through his invincible skin. If they were all Warlock Doctors, they wouldn’t have had any issues.

  7. Does everyone watch the trailers in the linear order that Gabe provides, or do you find yourself picking through them seemingly at random… then ultimately discovering after they’re all done that your subconscious choice of order revealed something about you and what you like and are drawn to?

    And maybe it’s not what you thought you liked or were drawn to?

    Regardless, great week for trailers.

  8. i find it incredibly interesting how movies – usually the major blockbusters – reflect the mood and major anxieties of their time. you can go back through history and pull out all the parallels, but especially now dealing with global, unknown threats, the end of civilization – or what comes after it, paranoia, and the idea of what is perceived to be a reality is a lie.

    • The NYT (or gawker linking to the NYT) sited some study about how pop music does the same. It was in reference to Ke$ha’s new album. The study basically talked about how this newest generation of pop stars all have songs focusing on the importance of partying NOW and living it up NOW because after the economic collapse our generation feels a certain impending doom and sees no possibility for a fruitful future (so, songs like Ke$ha’s new single “Die Young” [which, by the way, is perfect in every way] make sense).

  9. The main robot and almost everything else in the Pacific Rim trailer made me want to re-watch Giant Robo: The Day the Earth Stood Still. Such good anime, you guys.

  10. There is no way you can convince me that Pacific Rim won’t be awesome. Apocalyptic giant robots was my favorite genre of anime when I was a kid. This basically looks like Gundam/Evangelion and I am so excited!

    • But Gundam and Evangelion had three dimensional characters and groundbreaking design rather than a recapitulation of popular “gritty” aesthetics and what I’m sure will be an unfortunately ponderous and plodding plot within an increasingly bland and over-funded genre.

      (I REALLY HATE THE PACIFIC-RIM TRAILER. I’M SORRY.)

  11. I liked how the first G.I. Joe film followed a lot of the same plot points and action beats as Team America: World Police.

    I have friends and comic book acquaintances who cash in all their nostalgia chips on Transformers nonsense, and don’t think it’s nonsense, and they’re happy to do so. I cannot stand Transformers nor nostalgia, but I did grow up playing with the 80s G.I. Joe toy line.

    I don’t know if you people are aware, but everything in that show was a toy. If the toy company was working on a new vehicle, they would notify the show runners and then there would be an episode with Joe’s riding in the new vehicle. Homestar Runner did a great parody of G.I. Joe where an evacuating ‘Joe’ yells, “Quickly, everybody! Get to the Action Figure Transport!” or something along those lines.

    Anyway, that all being said, I no Transformers for me, no G.I. Joe for me. That shit can stay in the ’80s. Buuuuuuuut, I did see the first G.I. Joe through Netflix. It was exactly what I expected, which is to say it was Team America: World Police taking itself as seriously as a multibillion dollar toy commercial can.

  12. The Sorcerer and the White Snake trailer says, “…creatures beyond imagination…” and then it shows a half lady, half snake. That’s not a creature beyond imagination!

  13. I don’t mean to be a M. Night Shylaman apologist, but it might be that Will Smith’s accent sounds weird because it’s one that happened after people from the Southern United States lived off-planet for a few hundred years.

  14. I’ll probably watch Pacific Rim, but that’s just because I’ll watch anything with GLaDOS in it.

    • Ellen McClain isn’t credited on IMDB, so maybe it’ll be an uncredited cameo for supernerds to figure out. Either way I’m lovin it™

  15. Ever since I first heard about Pacific Rim, I assumed it was Guillermo Del Torro’s version of Band of Brothers (or any other similar movie/tv show). I don’t know why I thought that.

    • Maybe, because HBO beat Del Torro to the punch with The Pacific, everybody was like, “What’re we gonna do?! We have all these 3-d digital matte paintings and perfected our water physics for this big sea battle! Oh noooooooes!!!”

      And then Del Torro was like, “Screw it, you guys! Let’s turn our ships into robots, and Jim over in Visual FX did a great job rendering the indigenous Asian lizards, I’ve got a bunch of stuff left over from Hellboy 2 and Pan’s Labyrinth, so we’ll just mix it all up and tweak what we got! We’ll tweak it until we have the complete opposite of WWII’s Pacific campaign! Take that HBO! A real monster of a movie! ¡Vamonos! ¡Vamonos mi amigos!!”

  16. You guys. Check out the names of the main characters from Pacific Rim:

    Raleigh Antrobus
    Hannibal Chow
    Stacker Pentecost
    Tendo Choi
    Herc Hansen

    I defy you to tell me that this movie is not going to be great.

    • Oh my gosh, I hope this movie becomes so big that people start naming their kids like this. I am being 100 percent serious.

      I will now name my imaginary non-child Stacker Hannibal Antrobus because my girl is going to command an army of space robots some day, possibly tomorrow.

  17. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpkyLJsiHSw

    Pacific Rim is King of the Monsters! I will see it.

  18. A Japanese remake of Unforgiven?! I’m in! I just wish there were a version of the trailer with english subtitles.

  19. Something tells me I could just sit down and see Oblivion, Elysium, and Pacific Rim back-to-back-to-back and then be set on films about future strife for a good long while.

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