After the first few days of this you start to think, OK, hell isn’t THAT bad. Sure, it’s annoying and absurd, but at least there aren’t any red hot pokers up my butt or whatever. The first year passes–because in hell they measure time just like we do on Earth, so that you know–and now it is starting to get a little bit bad actually. You’ve developed these weird sores on your eyelids from watching Mia perform the Stanley Steamer jingle in over 14,000 variations. Your ears are filling up with fluid. For some reason your feet hurt, even though you have been sitting the whole time. By year 10, you have developed a character named Coal who looks just like you but is much, much smaller, and he lives inside of your head, and every time the song begins again, Coal burrows deeper and deeper into the warm, soft tissue of your brain. “You are safe, Coal,” you whisper to him, “I will not let her get you.” By year 100 you are trying to figure out if there is a way to kill yourself in hell, although you know that you are already dead, and this fact, that you are dead, makes you weep that you cannot die again. By year 1000 you actually think you are starting to like this, it’s growing on you. By year infinity even the devil begins to feel sorry for you, because this is the worst, and no one should have to suffer like this. (Via ViralVideos.)

Comments (43)
  1. Jiminy Crickets, this woman could be tried for attempted murder.

  2. I know I shouldn’t have found that as entertaining as I did, but here we are. Only God can judge me.

  3. Took me at least five seconds before I futilely tried to take my life.

  4. No more S2 ‘Girls’ spoilers, Gabe!

  5. Can’t wait to see what she does with the Empire Carpet song.

  6. By year 50, Coal’s mind submits to the jingles, and beings doing a reggaeton rendition in the recesses of your mind.

  7. You think this is bad, you should hear her parody of Flo Rida’s “Whistle” called “Bissel.”

  8. You guys, I think flappers are the bees knees, but I do NOT get people trying to look like them. Flappers were the cat’s meow once upon a time, but they don’t exist anymore! Stop doing that!

  9. You guys I’m kinda into the electogoth one. Like, I might remix it next time I DJ.

    Wait I don’t even know if I’m kidding anymore.

  10. This is just what I assume every episode of Glee is.

  11. I spent the entire video cringing and waiting for the sure-to-be-horrifying “rap” version. I do have to give her credit for leaving that out.

    And apparently, “Avril Lavigne” is a genre of music?

    • I was thinking the exact same thing. I just want to know why.

      • I can only assume it is some kind of weird audition tape. Like “I can take whatever crap you give me and perform it in any musical style”. Like the youtube equivalent of headshots where you show you can wear a lab coat and hold a test tube and thus play a scientist, or you can have a cowboy hat and a lasso and be a cattle rustler, etc.

  12. Wait. YOU GUYS. What if this is actually viral marketing for Stanley Steamer and we’re all playing into his games!?

  13. YouTube is our generation’s bathroom mirror.

  14. I spent too much time analyzing her room. That closet is way too sparse for such a diva and why are all the mirrors so low to the ground? Isn’t that table a little too close to the closet and too far from the bed?

  15. I’d rather watch a Cleavland steamer variations video.

  16. Anne Hathaway, what happened?

  17. I’m sorry your dad didn’t pay attention to you, musical theatre kid.

  18. That is some funny writing by the way.

  19. The Latin pop one: racist or not racist? I’m leaning towards racist, but that could be entirely due to the fact that musical theatre kids annoy me.

  20. i watched the whole thing!

  21. Somewhere, Katherine Chloe Cahoon is green with envy.

  22. I liked it.

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