In June of last year, Hollywood (or whatever) announced that it would be transitioning Rovio, the gaming company behind Angry Birds, into a film and television company and turning Angry Birds from a cellphone game into a movie franchise. That is the world that we had no choice but to be born into, so it’s best just to accept it. Little has been heard since then about this incredible idea, until today — the  third anniversary of the wonderful cellphone game Angry Birds. From Coming Soon:

On the third anniversary of the release of Angry Birds, Rovio Entertainment has announced that Despicable Me producer John Cohen has signed on as producer of the upcoming Angry Birds movie. David Maisel, former Chairman of Marvel Studios and executive producer of Iron Man, will be executive producer of the 3D CG-animated feature film, coming to theaters in summer 2016. The film will be produced and financed by Rovio Entertainment.

2016? THAT’S LIKE A MILLION YEARS FROM NOW! By 2016 we’re all going to be shooting holograms of birds off of real objects from our Samsung Galaxy SX without a care in the world, the sun getting closer and closer to our planet in a way that is, at that point, more comforting than anything else. But, no matter. That just gives us more time to think about WHAT THE PLOT IS GOING TO BE!

Here are my ideas:

  • Two angry birds go on a road trip. They start off deeply in love and you’re thinking, “uh-oh” because you saw the previews and you know that they’re going to fall out of love at some point. 1/4 of the way into the movie they fall out of love. 3/4 of the way into the movie you think they’re pretty much back in love, but by the end of it you’re like “Hmm, are they? Should they?” And it makes you think about your own relationship.
  • An angry bird comic has a dark past. “What did he do?” you wonder, because he won’t tell anyone. 3/4 of the way through he tells a girl he’s fallen in love with that he caused an accident that killed his first love’s father when he was a young man. (This idea was stolen from a letter to Slate’s Dear Prudence, but it’s possible no one will know.) Oh no! Will the girl stay in love with him? Can she fix him? Must he fix HIMSELF?
  • A bunch of angry birds are on a spaceship and have to fight a space demon. There’s some comedy but mostly it’s an action movie. It’s touch-and-go for most of it, but they eventually kill the thing or at least put him in his place.
  • It’s a period piece about a female angry bird sticking up for herself and for all female angry birds in a way that is very empowering and makes you feel like you’re learning something, even though it’s all fiction. You are still inspired, though.

Hey, those are some pretty good ideas! Take note, John Cohen! Do you guys have any ideas for the Angry Birds movie? Has anyone played Angry Birds? What’s up?

Comments (24)
  1. A bunch of angry birds attack wealthy San Francisco socialite who had pursued a potential boyfriend to a small Northern California town. The socialite is voiced by Tippi Hedren.

  2. So it’s going to be more than 6 years from the release of the original before the movie comes out? I honestly do not understand why they’re not rushing this. Nobody will care about a stupid mindless diversion after 6 years! Do the people involved in this have any idea what can happen in 6 years?! 6 years ago, Bryan Cranston was still playing Malcolm’s dad and Justin Bieber hadn’t been born yet.

  3. An angry bird who isn’t quite as angry as all of the other birds falls in love with a sow, but before long, the angry bird’s family is fighting with the sow’s family. The angry bird is forced into action, but he’s one of those wood penetrating birds, and he refuses to speed up like they’re supposed to, so he just breaks into the sow’s enclosure without killing her. But just when you think they’ve found true love with one another, *poof*, he disappears.

  4. What’s next? A Super Mario Brothers movie? Ha ha no. Too ridiculous! A Tomb Raider movie? Yeah right, Hollywood! Who would you get to star in it?

    If anything, this is the first truly good idea for a movie based on a video game yet.

  5. i picture a “Hatfields & McCoys”-type rivalry starting when Charles Barkley throws big macs at Larry Bird’s house. revenge thriller. hard R. budget at $30 million. March release, $22 million opening weekend.

  6. I have a theory that the word ‘guardian’ is a a death-sentence for films’ box office (Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole, Rise of the Guardians, etc). So whatever they do, they better not incorporate ‘guardian’ into their title.

    My theory is it’s all the MPAA’s fault. “Children Under 17 Require Accompanying Parent or Adult Guardian.” Nobody wants to deal with that.

    Marvel’s upcoming ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ may be doomed right out of the gate…

  7. The angry birds need to steal the Declaration of Independence for treasure hunting purposes. All the birds are played by Nic Cage. They are being pursued by evil pigs who are also played by Nic Cage.

  8. This seems as silly as the “Words with Friends” board game. Isn’t that just Scrabble?!?

    I have never played Angry Birds, but I’m guessing it doesn’t need a movie, even if Despicable Me was really good, and someone involved in that is involved in this.

    • It is! The best part is, it’s licensed by Habro, who published the original Scrabble that was ripped off by Zynga who then sold licensing rights to Hasbro, and somehow everybody involved got SO RICH.

  9. An angry bird shaves its angry eyebrows off and walks around for a year blogging about how his change in appearance affected other birds’ and pigs’ attitudes toward him. It will be just controversial enough to talk about around the workplace water cooler without meaningfully affecting anybody’s life or attitudes at all, including the angry bird’s.

  10. Die Hard on a pig farm.

  11. it’s a movie about the oppression of the common squirrel by their avian and porcine overlords. Every day they toil in the sling shot factories, fur falling out of their once lustrous tails. Their brethren on the other side melt under the boiling sun building rickety towers even though they’ve told their masters that they need a solid foundation. And all for a war they can’t understand.

    Who will save these poor souls? Who will end the madness and let peace reign?

    Find out in Summer 2016 in Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeak-olution!

  12. I don’t know about the first one, but the sequel will for sure have to see the Angry Birds and the Onastic Pigs (I do not know the real adjective modifier for the goddamn pigs, okay?) team up to take on a common enemy. Probably the royalty from Crush The Castle, the game that Angry Birds ripped off to begin with.

  13. the angry birds need to put on a big show THIS SATURDAY to raise the money to save the forest from greedy developers!!!

  14. A gang of troubled teen girls from South London wreak havoc on the city.

  15. Goaded by his buddies, a nerdy angry bird who’s never “done the deed” (Steve Carell) only finds the pressure mounting when he meets a single mother angry bird (Catherine Keener).

  16. A quiet angry bird hits his breaking point and terrorizes Los Angeles in the middle of rush hour.

    Working Title: Bird Down.

  17. I hate Angry Birds!

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