I hate crimes. I’ll say that to anyone. Crimes are terrible. As a matter of fact, I just witnessed a crime not 10 minutes ago, no joke. I was walking my dog around the block to see if she could remember where she had left her bathroom, and we witnessed a terrible hit and run accident! A woman in a truck rear-ended a woman in an SUV really really hard, and then, with her truck all smashed up and smoke pouring out of it, she cut through a parking lot and took off. Terrible! What an asshole! I hope that she goes to jail, and I mean jail jail, not like when I say “I hope Jay Leno goes to jail.” I don’t even like funny crimes, not really, because you know that the reality of the situation is much worse than the silly description. When a man is lured to a location and beaten and held against his will, that’s not cool, man. No way, Jose. But, you know, when you also point out that he was a handy man, and that the kidnappers made him do repairs around their house, and that the cops finally apprehended them at a gas station “shopping for snacks,” like that’s kind of funny. They’re basically Sean Connery in Entrapment. They don’t even have locks on their castle doors. They are all of Ocean’s 11 at the same time.

See? It totally isn’t funny, but it’s a little bit funny. But not really. Stay safe out there, handymen. (Via Gawker.)

Comments (19)
  1. My parents did this to me for roughly ages 9 through 24, or whenever I was old enough to push a lawnmower. Minus the “being beaten” part. Except when I deserved it, but that may just be the Stockholm Syndrome talking.

  2. Too bad they didn’t kidnap a defense attorney instead.

  3. she should kidnap an esthetician

  4. I don’t know, there are funny crimes, like that one in the college town where those two drunk young women were walking home from a party and spied a bag of recently discontinued ‘gourmet’ potato chips in an old lady’s OPEN garage, and stole away with the bag in the middle of the night, but the old lady was up for some reason (her dog yapping?), walked downstairs and grabbed her big-buttoned cell phone and called the police who apprehended the suspects.

    That was really funny. WHAT A CAPER!

  5. The crime itself is a bummer, but the video is pretty funny. I don’t know if my favorite part is:

    a. When the gas station attendant describes how the policeman shoved his gun through the window and said “I’m gonna shoot you in the face!”; or
    b. When the one guy they interviewed didn’t want his face shown, and instead of blurring it out they just zoomed in on his bathing suit area while he talked.

  6. Did the handyman look like Pat Harrington? No? THEN WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME

  7. This is still less of a crime than that Travolta video.

  8. This is so John Waters!

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