I’d like to ask you all to please take a few moments out of your day, go into the bathroom, splash water on your face, put your elbows on the sink, put your head in your hands, breathe deeply in and out, try not to think about anything — nothing at all, clear your mind, and then think about this story about eyeballs that Anderson Cooper told on Anderson Live:

I am in this beautiful coastal area shooting this story for 60 Minutes involving the water — I don’t want to go into details about what the story was — but I am on the water for two hours shooting this story and it’s an overcast day,” says Cooper. “I wake up in the middle of the night and it feels like my eyes are on fire, my eyeballs, and I think, ‘Oh, maybe I have sand in my eyes or something.’ I douse my eyes with water. Anyway, it turns out I have sunburned my eyeballs and I go blind. I went blind for 36 hours.

EWWWWW! EW! EWWWW! AHHHH! NOOOOOOO! One time I tore my contact and got half of it stuck in my eye and had to go to the eye doctor to have him fish it out, and I only feel compelled to tell that horrible eyeball story to WASH THE TASTE OF THIS ONE OUT OF MY MOUTH. Please keep Anderson in your hearts and prayers today. He went blind for 36 hours. His eyeballs will be peeling for at least a month. They’re so red. The aloe isn’t helping. (I’m so sorry!!) Anderson!

Comments (39)
  1. For some reason, eyeball injuries are the ones that gross me out the most. I don’t know what that says about me.

  2. now he knows how viewers felt watching his daytime talk show.

  3. Man, if only there was some sort of protective eyewear designed primarily to prevent bright sunlight and high-energy visible light from damaging or discomforting the eyes that was cheap to produce and widely available in almost any drugstore, kiosk, hut, mall, souvenir stand, roadside, plaza, general store, upscale retailer in thousands of different styles, colors, strengths to suit any individual of any class or social standing.

    Oh, to live in this world.

  4. “Sounds like another publicity stunt…” – Star Jones

  5. Scott Disick must be so pleased with himself for getting in early on the eye patch trend.

  6. I guess there’s one daredevil newsman won’t be hot-rodding around traffic cones [puts on sunglasses] with his rods and cones.

    Sorry, this makes no sense, I just wanted to put on sunglasses.

  7. It’s like he’s never even SEEN a “Deal With It” gif! What sort of life has AC been living?

  8. Well, this trumps my “Riding in the back of a pickup truck holding up a bubble machine which periodically spilled bubble fluid onto my head in a Fourth of July parade gave me an intense scalp sunburn” story.

  9. “Eyeball Sunburn? Still not as bad as Honey Boo Boo” — Adam Levine

  10. Sure Andy! It was the “sun” that burned your eyes. That’s what aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallll the boys say!

  11. WARNING, HORRIFYING EYEBALL STORY LIES AHEAD!!

    I once got a really horrible eye infection from my contacts that lasted like a month involving lots of oozing fluids and other gross stuff. At one point, I was sitting in my room and I turned my eyes to the mirror, but my infected eye DID NOT TURN RIGHT AWAY and stayed looking in the other direction, and not only could I see in both directions at the same time for a second, but I got to watch in mute horror as my bad eye slowly turned to face me in the mirror.

    • American Horror Story Season Three: Old Man Fatima’s Eyes.

    • Thank you for the warning! I am carefully avoiding reading this story so as not to have any (more, thanks a lot KELLY) eyeball nightmares. But I hope whatever terrible thing happened is all better now.

    • That is straight up Lovecraftian. Without the racism, but still.

      • Speaking of racism, is the Swedish Chef racist? I think the Swedish Chef is awesome regardless, but I was thinking about it the other day and I was like, “Yeah, they are straight up making fun of the way Swedish people speak, Swedish Chefs in particular. Would it be different if it was the Chinese Chef, or Canadian Chef, or the African Chef, or the Mexican Chef, or the Russian Chef, or… etc”

        Or is it just racial? I don;t think the portrayal of the Swedish Chef is saying Sweden is inferior in any way, or Swedes are a lesser ethnic group, but ‘yknow, people freak out about stereotypical accents all the time, and the Swedish chef is never mentioned. Are all other accents simply racial and people are blowing it up to racism, or is it all just racial (in that it is merely acknowledging race), or is it mostly a case by case basis, like that Potter Stewart’s saying about pornography: “It’s hard to define, but I know it when I see it”?

        • If there was a tradition of having ethnic Swedes being second-class citizens, officially or unofficially, then yes. Since there isn’t (one that I’ve heard of), you’re absolutely right in saying that the Swedish Chef isn’t reinforcing these traditions. I wouldn’t start going “Bork Bork Bork!” in downtown Stockholm, though.

        • Hmm. Well, not all racism is about saying something is “lesser” (see: “all black people are good at basketball”).
          However, I think the severity/notability/offensiveness of something that might be racism is the context – so making stereotypes about or discriminating against a person or a group who is already oppressed or lacks societal power is worse than if the person holds a more powerful, priviledged position. I think the Swedes are doing ok in general, and therefore people are less sensitive of any possible offence.
          That said, not all caricatures of are racist – do we think the most notable thing about the Chef is his race, or is it simply one aspect of a well-rounded character?

          tl;dr;ask Andrew Ti instead.

          • I agree with what you said, except I always thought that postive discrimination was sort of a gimme that your more “enlightened” racist would throw out to make themselves feel better about being racist (e.g. “Everyone knows that Jews are good at business, that’s why it’s totally okay to not let them join our country club”).

          • tl;dr;ask Andrew Ti instead.

            I submitted it during my lunch break. lol

            Good answers, guys.

        • I can tell you that I sit next to a Swedish guy at work, and sometimes I do a Swedish Chef imitation and he is not offended at all. So it’s Swede-approved.

      • “It is perhaps the greatest mercy granted us by the cosmos that no human mind may comprehend the nature of that eldritch goo which oozed from the eye of old man fatima one desolate month earlier this decade in the wild hills that rise in a verboten tangle above the black eaves of Arkham Asylum. The only sounds that night were the gurgle of icy water down the Miskatonic River, the feint thundrous rolling of a storm then still invisible beyond the hills, and the suctioning slurp of fatima’s each individual blink, until the knock on my door that only now do I recognize was the trailhead of the path I have walked every day since and which tonight will conclude, in what I hope is a noble attempt to spare the human race the sinister knowledge locked within my brain, with my suicide. But first to the door. It was Doctor Crawford Tillinghast, the infamous ophthalmologist.”

    • I once had a weird allergic reaction to something that got in my eye, which resulted in the white of my eye swelling and bulging up around the iris and looking alarmingly similar to a water bed mattress after someone sat on it. It was fucking freaky, yo. Down with eye afflictions.

  12. “And the 2013 Peabody Award for Outstanding Achievement in Breaking News Coverage on Anderson Cooper’s sunburned eyeballs goes to….Anderson Cooper Live!” — Fareed Zakaria

  13. The sun is literally The. Worst. Thing. That’s. Ever. Happened. -Anderson Levine

  14. You chase a hot story like dolphin-bites-girl, you’re going to get hurt.

  15. Did Ms. Vanderbuilt collage that patch? Also, how blue are his eyes THIS TIME?

  16. I’m always knocking my contacts to the back of my eye. Sometimes it’ll be when I’m sleepy and rub my eye without thinking, and then panic and think I’ll never be able to get the contact out of there. It’s always eventually come out though, and luckily I don’t have 20 different contacts stuck behind each eyeball.

  17. “One time I tore my contact….”

    So you probably have glasses as well, I’d assume. Good to know. Next time I photoshop you into something, I’m adding glasses.

  18. The use of foul, vulgar language only serves to display your lack of maturety and lack of respect for all around you…………..especially kids.

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