A lot of people will fantasize about committing the perfect crime. This has been an American tradition ever since Throw Mama From the Train invented it. “It’s all about the motive, see, but that’s the best part: I don’t have a motive.” You’ll hear people say that a lot. It’s crazy how often you’ll hear it. They’ll put down their Irish Coffee and they’ll say that and you’ll be like, That’s a good point, may I have another Watermelon Margarita, bartender? The reason most of us don’t go through with these crimes, of course, besides the fact that we are not sociopaths and that we respect a fundamental moral system outside the more punitive and economically-minded governmental system, although we respect that secondary system as well, is because most of us with enough Watermelon Margaritas will eventually find the fatal flaw in our plan. “The carpet fibers! I always forget about the carpet fibers!” Something like that. The trick, I think, in order to pulling off the perfect crime is simply to not think at all. That’s key. You just steal a car, rob a bank, and then go home and make a video about stealing a car and robbing a bank in the SAME OUTFIT and post that video on YouTube. Boom, now you are Kaizer Soze.

The video is called “Chick Bank Robber,” and the description reads: “I just stole a car and robbed a bank. Now I’m rich, I can pay off my college financial aid and tomorrow i’m going for a shopping spree. Bite me. I love GREENDAY!” She sure does! This excellent video, which is so interesting and fun to watch and must have been a blast to make, led to the arrest of Hannah Sabata by Nebaraska police who were looking for someone who stole a car and robbed a bank. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those darn, pesky, everythings. Literally everything about this was her one mistake. You know that part in Heat when Robert DeNiro explains that in order to be a successful criminal you have to be able to walk away from everything–family, friends, houses, cars–without a second thought? FUN FACT: in the director’s cut he explains that you have to walk away from everything–family, friends, houses, cars–without a second thought, and rush home to make a YouTube about the job. “Don’t even change your clothes,” he tells Al Pacino. And Al Pacino looks at him across the formica table at the run-down Los Angeles diner and he whispers, “Hoo-ah. Hoo-ah, indeed.”

Comments (30)
  1. Combo of all of today’s Videogum posts:
    Krispy Kreme’s new rapper name should be……..The Perfect cRHYME

  2. “A full bowl of weed in an ICP pipe.” You can’t blame a girl for reaching for the stars.

  3. I was going to make a snarky comment but reading the gawker article just made me sad. I am going to break out the emergency adorable dancing goat videos if you need me.

  4. Congrats. You’re a thousandairre. And you’re in jail.

  5. But was the bank run by girl scouts? You’re not a true youtube criminal until you’ve stole from the girl scouts.

  6. My favorite part is where she bragged that she had already removed the license plates from the car she stole. Because a car without license plates is unlikely to attract unwanted attention.

  7. So we’re just gonna persecute this girl and completely ignore the fact that she saved her grandma?! Nice, real nice.

  8. Guys, I took Intro to Psych in college and I think this may be a cry for help. #caringgum

  9. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  10. Nebaraska?”

  11. This beats the previous perfect crime: Facebook Poking.

  12. Chick Bank Robber I love you love is forever fan I love you.

  13. She and the Hipster Grifter could have a reality show.

  14. That police interrogation must have been somewhat amusing. “Then…how do you explain THIS?” (roll clip)

  15. Hanna Montana’s cousin is pretty crazy!

  16. So, she’s writing her little notes backwards, because she thinks cameras are mirrors? Or is that just something the young juggalos are doing these days?

  17. Come on Christina, just because you have nothing left to do on the Voice. Ugh.

  18. I just watched Magic Mike last night (it was pretty good, Channing Tatum is an awesome stripper) and the character played by Matthew McConaughey reminded me very much of the MC in Cabaret. I went online afterwards to see if anyone else had made this connection and apparently everyone had. Now I’m getting the same feeling again. Gabe Delahaye is playing the MC from Cabaret, especially in this post. Am I the only one who thinks so?

  19. A comment on her art page:

    “Actually, she mentions in her blog that she got HIV from a carnival worker who called her months later to let her know he has HIV. She got tested twice and both times were positive.

    Then she got married and knocked up but another guy. ”

    There is a lot of sadness there. It also sounds like a pilot for an AMC show.

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