A lot of people will fantasize about committing the perfect crime. This has been an American tradition ever since Throw Mama From the Train invented it. “It’s all about the motive, see, but that’s the best part: I don’t have a motive.” You’ll hear people say that a lot. It’s crazy how often you’ll hear it. They’ll put down their Irish Coffee and they’ll say that and you’ll be like, That’s a good point, may I have another Watermelon Margarita, bartender? The reason most of us don’t go through with these crimes, of course, besides the fact that we are not sociopaths and that we respect a fundamental moral system outside the more punitive and economically-minded governmental system, although we respect that secondary system as well, is because most of us with enough Watermelon Margaritas will eventually find the fatal flaw in our plan. “The carpet fibers! I always forget about the carpet fibers!” Something like that. The trick, I think, in order to pulling off the perfect crime is simply to not think at all. That’s key. You just steal a car, rob a bank, and then go home and make a video about stealing a car and robbing a bank in the SAME OUTFIT and post that video on YouTube. Boom, now you are Kaizer Soze.
The video is called “Chick Bank Robber,” and the description reads: “I just stole a car and robbed a bank. Now I’m rich, I can pay off my college financial aid and tomorrow i’m going for a shopping spree. Bite me. I love GREENDAY!” She sure does! This excellent video, which is so interesting and fun to watch and must have been a blast to make, led to the arrest of Hannah Sabata by Nebaraska police who were looking for someone who stole a car and robbed a bank. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those darn, pesky, everythings. Literally everything about this was her one mistake. You know that part in Heat when Robert DeNiro explains that in order to be a successful criminal you have to be able to walk away from everything–family, friends, houses, cars–without a second thought? FUN FACT: in the director’s cut he explains that you have to walk away from everything–family, friends, houses, cars–without a second thought, and rush home to make a YouTube about the job. “Don’t even change your clothes,” he tells Al Pacino. And Al Pacino looks at him across the formica table at the run-down Los Angeles diner and he whispers, “Hoo-ah. Hoo-ah, indeed.”