Chumbawumba, y’all!

Listen up all you dudes who are trying to eat less meat and all you young women who took a Krav Maga seminar at the Community Center last year, today I want to rap at you about a very dangerous trend: milking. Have you heard of it? It’s terrible. Don’t even hear about it. Let’s just drink some POM brand pomegranate juice. But no, ignorance is not an option, not in this and not in any other part of your life stay in school. As Matt Stone, the creator of South Park, famously said: those who don’t learn about history are going to do it. XBOX Kinnect. So, milking, it is where you take a gallon of milk or really any amount of milk and you pour it over your head. The end. Is this what Rhodes Scholars do? Is this what Presidential Fitness Exam silver-star winners do? Is this what Scat Cat does? No. Winners don’t milk. Be a winner.

Let this video be a warning to you, dogs:

This isn’t even a thing. It’s just a few bad kids in Newcastle. Why are they always “milking” themselves in front of restaurants? Why is that such an important part of it? Starving children in Ethiopia. Finish your peas. Your mother and I milk each other because we’re adults and that’s different. I don’t care what Brad’s parents say. If Brad was going to milk off a cliff, would you milk too? Well, life isn’t fair. Go do your homework. No more buts, mister! (Via Gawker.)

Comments (21)
  1. Latest indication that I am now an Old Person:

    My first thought was how unpleasant it’s going to be for their moms (or dads! i’m a progressive old person!) to wash the sour milk smell out of their clothes.

  2. Of course I won’t do this Gabe I’m vegan, chicken fingers are vegan right? And mozzarella sticks? And Pizza?

  3. Here is an old person not being a winner by milking himself circa 2006 AD:

  4. I COULDN’T even read this FUCKING thing because “Chumbawumba, y’all!” might BE THE funniest fucking THING I’VE ever heard.

  5. Something Gabe and the Abstinence League have in common.

  6. At least they aren’t happy slapping anymore.

  7. These don’t seem to be kids at all. Get this out of the Teen Korner,stat.

  8. Can we just tell everyone that it is okay to stand up in the middle of the street and ask everyone to look at them? They can even ask for a hug! It’s okay! We all want to be paid attention to, we all want someone to actually see us and not ignore us, but we don’t need to ruin our clothes, waste a lot of milk, and make a general mess in order to do it.

  9. Whatever, this is the first teen-specific gerund I’ve heard in a while that doesn’t involve consuming alcohol through unadvised orifices.

  10. Just happy to see no one crying over this.

    Yup. You read right. :)

  11. The word “milk” has now lost all meaning via repetition.

  12. They had an actual warning about this on my local news this week. I only saw the promo for it and forgot to watch the video. MILKING IS ALREADY HAPPENING IN PORTLAND, YOU GUYS.

  13. Between this and the butter post, I’m beginning to suspect that videogum is making me lactose intolerant.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.