Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Not much, it’s pretty cold where I am and I thought I was going to get a pair of shoes in the mail today but I didn’t
Kelly: So those are the only 2 things
Kelly: What’s up with U??
Gabe: ouch
Gabe: so sorry 4 u & ur life
Kelly: thx
Gabe: i’m fine
Gabe: just catching up on the latest
Gabe: jared leto terry richardson photo shoot
Gabe: are they or real roommates?
Gabe: how often do they hang out?
Gabe: once a day or more than that?

Kelly: I don’t know the answer, but it WOULD be hard to stay away from someone who allows you to create your best work
Kelly: Every day they don’t have a photo shoot is a day wasted
Kelly: Luckily they have one every day
Kelly: & it’s always hott
Gabe: one of the great friendships of our time
Gabe: i hope they publish their collected letters
Gabe: “Dear Jared, it has been four moons since I last had you take your clothes off and put this gun in your mouth.”
Kelly: hahahaaaa
Kelly: “Terry, tonight I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized myself. Do you think that the true Jared is visible only through your lens?”
Gabe: 4,000 pages of letters and SEXTS in one volume
Kelly: <3 <3 I just hope they publish them before x-mas
Kelly: Speaking of the hot men, I’ve been meaning to ask, do you think Daniel Craig is too buff to be James Bond?

Gabe: no
Kelly: Ok great me neither
Gabe: no one does
Gabe: not a single person thinks that
Gabe: Daniel Craig is perfect
Kelly: hahah whoa
Gabe: i defy you to find one person
Gabe: who thinks otherwise
Kelly: Ok what about Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen??????
Gabe: not a real person, you just made him up
Gabe: FAIL
Kelly: he thinks James Bonds should be old men who know how to discreetly tip valets
Gabe: i bet his editor at the washington post was like
Gabe: “another homerun, dick, i’m not even going to read it, i already sent it to the printers, A++”
Kelly: hahaha
Gabe: this is a very dumb editorial
Gabe: “it used to be that only women were upheld to unrealistic standards of physical beauty, but now men who portray incredible action heroes are also expected to have a modicum of physical fitness? bah! why don’t we all just kill ourselves this life is so unfair!”
Kelly: Hahaha right
Kelly: “Since when is this something I have to deal with?”
Gabe: what is he even complaining about?
Gabe: that the bar used to be lower for grown ass men in their 50s to make believe fuck 20 year olds in fiction?
Kelly: Yes, I think that is exactly what he is complaining about
Gabe: is that even a real problem that needs addressing?
Gabe: also, look, if we are really going to go down this ad hominem hole

Gabe: it doesn’t matter who plays james bond
Kelly: hahahahahaAAAHAhahah
Gabe: Big Cohen Dot JPG
Kelly: Poor Dicky Cohen
Gabe: maybe he just made a mistake?
Gabe: and didn’t realize that his diary entry
Gabe: was going to get published in a newspaper?
Gabe: also there are 100 james bond movies, just go watch one of your old james bond movies and jerk off to that if you’re so sad
Gabe: why do you even care?!
Kelly: Clearly if James Bond in Skyfall were 55+ and not physically fit
Kelly: Rich Cohen would be getting boned by 20 year olds on the reg
Gabe: ““Skyfall” is a lot of fun — don’t get me wrong — but it still says something about our culture that, in the autumn of my years, I do not like.”
Gabe: UH OH
Gabe: “it was a lot of fun, but also my body is decaying and his isn’t”
Gabe: honestly i do not know
Kelly: It’s really just too bad
Kelly: That Daniel Craig
Kelly: Is changing the Hollywood culture from one that regularly displays and respects normal body types to one that praises abnormally beautiful ones
Gabe: i’m also pretty sure that what he’s saying doesn’t even make sense
Gabe: like, i think sean connery and cary grant
Gabe: were in pretty good shape for their time
Gabe: they didn’t look like daniel craig
Gabe: but
Gabe: they were more ripped than the rest of the BEASTS roaming the countryside
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: yes
Kelly: And had handsomer faces

Gabe: yeah
Kelly: Maybe Richard Cohen grew up thinking, like
Kelly: “When I’m old I’m going to be James Bond because James Bond is old.”
Gabe: “it’s unfair that james bond has a handsome face”
Gabe: “it used to be that people with ugly faces”
Gabe: “were the real heroes of my imagination”
Kelly: “Whenever I read a novel the hero is always unattractive.”
Gabe: again
Kelly: richyyyyyy
Gabe: “it says something about our culture that there are movies”
Gabe: he might as well have complained that the villain in skyfall used email
Gabe: whereas the old bond villains didn’t even have computers
Gabe: “it used to be that you could be evil simply by strapping a lazer to a shark”
Kelly: hahaha
Kelly: “With these new gadgets, the rest of us don’t stand a chance!”
Gabe: his wife loves this post
Gabe: “oh richard, you never cease to surprise me!”
Gabe: his wife who is half his age
Gabe: i’m sure
Kelly: I bet he’s super super sweet to her though
Gabe: i’m sure, as long as she keeps it tight and pretty
Gabe: and fixes his Old Fashioned the way he likes when he walks in the door
Kelly: R.I.P. culture, you were wonderful while you lasted.
Kelly: Which was until Skyfall came out.
Gabe: at least Richard Cohen and I have entered our autumn years and will not have to suffer for too much longer
Gabe: the rest of you are fucking doomed
Kelly: Ugh you’re right
Kelly: For both of your sakes, I hope the movie stars in Heaven are disgusting.
Gabe: arthritic fingers crossed

Comments (31)
  1. “Being objectified is for women. Come on, James Bond!” -That guy.

    • Uhhhhhhhhhhh. From his Wiki:

      He received public attention in 1987 when it became public knowledge that he was having an affair with Kati Marton, the wife of ABC News anchorman Peter Jennings.[12]

      In 1998, Cohen was involved in a dispute with editorial aide Devon Spurgeon that was ultimately mediated by Washington Post management.[13] Cohen reportedly asked Spurgeon questions about “casual sex”, told her to “stand up and turn around”, and gave her the “silent treatment” for three weeks.[13] Cohen contended that “It was a personality dispute at an office, but it had nothing to do with sexual harassment as the term applies today.”[13] Post management concluded that Spurgeon had been subjected to a “hostile working environment” but not to “sexual harassment” and that Cohen was guilty of “inappropriate behavior.”[13]

  2. I look like a Bond girl and I’m having sex with Richard Cohen even as I type this comment. (Please just take my word for both of these things.)

  3. I do think that Daniel Craig is too buff but only because it makes his head look sooooooo tiny.

  4. There is so much projection in that piece that it could be a an IMAX theater.

  5. i mean come on. we are talking about Bowflex’s Entertainer of the Year, here.

  6. I wonder what Mary thinks about this. Guess Gabe and Kelly don’t think she’s good enough for chat yet. Buncha chat snobs.

  7. I cannot tell you how happy I am that men are being objectified more. Did you guys guess this about me? I know you must have! I’m an easy read! But seriously, it’s so nice to see some CP&A (cock pecs and ass/abs) after so much T&A for my whole LIFE.

  8. NO NO NO! James Bond should be a slightly overweight, underemployed guy his his late 20s without a 401K. Everyone knows that.

  9. Sounds like someone needs a Pinterest FITspiration Board!

  10. Didn’t even read the chat yet, just want to be on record that the answer to the question is no, Daniel Craig is not too cut. Not even a thing.

  11. I am aghast that we’re not blaming the magic of Mike for this newfangled obsession with muscular handsome men…

    And by Mike I mean Magic Alcide.

  12. A real argument could be made that Craig should stay buff, and in the next Bond film he has that long hair (undercover work), and Q gives him a Conan sword.

  13. Yeah, hahah, back in the day James Bond was just a lumpy old potato. Played by Sean Connery.

  14. I hope Kelly and Gabe publish a hard copy version of their collected “letters.” I’d buy it. Although now that I think about it, such a thing would probably be sold in the knick knack/coffee table book/dorm room accessory section of Urban Outfitters. I’ve vowed never shop in that store again so I maybe I wouldn’t buy it. Kelly and Gabe, if you do publish a collection of your chats, would you please make it available for purchase online? Also, I was wondering, are your chats spontaneous or is there a lot of revision? Are they really chats at all? Do you both contribute to the writing, or is that just a gimmick? Never mind. It’s better not to peek beneath the veil. I’ll just relax and enjoy them.

  15. I am literally CRYING from laughing at this chat.

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