This week, on a very special episode of Between 2,000,000 Ferns:

That’s it? The #1 danger facing children in America is their desire to run away, and the best thing we can do about it is have a celebrity read cue cards for 10 seconds in the back of a florists. Yay! The kids are saved! Also what a cool conversation that must have been between Corey Feldman and his very real-seeming “friend”! Oh to have been a Ric Ocasek fly on the 1980s wall for that one:

Friend: I want to run away.
Corey Feldman: You are really just jumping right into it, huh? OK, well I am ready with my advice that might sound a little bit dry and staged: Uh, it’s dangerous for a kid to be out on his own. He could have nowhere to sleep, or end up in a scary place. Talk to someone you trust for help.
Friend: That’s what I thought I was doing when I brought it up with you, man.
Corey Feldman: Oh God, no, you can’t trust me. I’m an absolute mess.
Friend: Your eyes do look a little glassy, now that you mention it.
Corey Feldman: No joke I am tripping balls right now.
Friend: Also what is going on with your jacket? And your public friendship with Michael Jackson, a grown man? Hmmm. Well, I still want to run away, but I do feel a little bit better knowing that even if I did run away, my life of scrounging through Burger King dumpsters for stale buns and getting raped in abandoned basements will still be better than what is inevitably in store for you when the cruel and impetuous celebrity machine has finished chewing you up and spits you out into your own filth.
Corey Feldman: Sorry, what? I nodded off for a second.

The point is: PROTECT YOURSELF! The best defense is a good not running awayfense!

Comments (16)
  1. How young were runaways in the 80s? I mean, this seems like it was aimed at me circa 1987, when I was 5, and at that point I was far too concerned with getting Chester the cat to wear people clothes and whether or not Jem and the Holograms would be bested by The Misfits this week (not the Misfits you’re thinking of, unless you’re thinking of these badasses)

  2. I’m actually starting to think there’s some secret cabal out there that WANTS kids to run away, and is secretly pulling a lof of different strings. At least, I certainly can’t think of any other explanation for the decreased popularity of both Cory Feldman and Soul Asylum.

  3. I just hope kids listen to his advice. We wouldn’t want any Lost Boys out there.

  4. Guys, I’m thinking of getting a fern, any advice? I have a small dog an two cats. Is the fern the right plant for me? The only plants I have right now are bamboo but they need little care. Thoughts?

    Additional Info: I do not care for any other plants, just ferns.

  5. so Teddy Ruxpin was one of those “do as I say, not as I do” type of role models. no wonder i have such a distaste for hypocrisy.

  6. Years later, Corey Feldman would let his stalker MOVE IN WITH HIM.

    Protect yourself, indeed!

  7. In 1987 we ALL ran away from home.

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