The other day I was in a friend’s apartment and saw what looked like a cross between a spider, a scorpion, and a fly. Alone in the room, I stood frozen for a few moments before deciding that I could not just let this horrible demon go on to possibly make more little horrible demons in this apartment/world, so I picked up a magazine, gathered all of the courage I had inside of me, and squashed it. Feeling confident I picked up the magazine only to find that this thing, whatever it was, was first of all not dead and second of all COULD FLY. I yelped, naturally, in a way that made my friend come running — “What happened?!” they asked. All I could do was point to the horrible thing, which had now landed on a door. “Oh, I’ll get it,” they said, with no idea of what they were up against. After picking up another tool to squash the thing, my friend pressed it confidently against the door. Nope. Did not kill it. Noticing the defeat, my friend picked it up in the piece of paper and tried to squash it in the paper in his fingers. NOPE. DID NOT KILL IT. So then my friend brought it to the sink and picked up a pair of scissors and cut it with the scissors and then it was dead. R.I.P. A sad story for all the spiscorpifly fans out there, for sure, but also a horrifying story for me to have to carry around for the rest of my life. With that said, though, it was a much better way to kill whatever that thing was than the method this gentleman used.

Who even knows what this guy is or whatever the heck is going on in his life, but he brings up an important point: Don’t squash spiders with brass knuckles, because then they’ll just go into your wall and have a million spider babies and your walls will be just breathing with spider babies. Here are some better ways to deal with spiders:

  • Have someone else put it in a jar and release it outside.
  • Have someone else step on it with a shoe.
  • Have someone else deal with it and not talk to you about what they did or how it looked or anything.
  • Have someone else feed it to a hungry animal that eats and likes spiders.
  • Have someone else put it in a jar and give it to a kid who is interested in spider jars.
  • Have someone else throw it out a window.
  • Have someone else do whatever it takes.

There you go! Everyone get the heck out of Spokane! (Via reddit.)

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Comments (40)
  1. I love the freeze-frame on this youtube clip…it’s exactly the face I make when I deal with a spider.

  2. I usually just call for mommy too!

  3. Spiders barely even phase me anymore, after living for nearly two years in the Apartment of Many Centipedes. Last night I was sitting on my couch and I thought I saw movement in my peripheral vision. Lo and behold, there was a centipede on the back cushion, inches away from my face and moving fast. They have traditionally stayed on the walls and in the sink/tub, but they’re getting bolder. It might finally be time to get that Bug Vacuum from SkyMall.

    • A Bug Vacuum? I feel like if you have so many bugs in your home/apartment that you require a separate vacuum for them, chances are you can’t afford said vacuum.

    • I have forged an alliance with my spiders against the encroaching centipede horde. I am going to try to militarize them and give them little bayonets for the coming war. Yes, I may eventually have to have a final confrontation with bayonet-wielding spiders but frankly I am really hoping to be out of this apartment by that time, making it Someone Else’s Problem.

      • Unless all the bayonet-wielding spider corps hide in a vase and move WITH me, and launch a surprise attack in my new place. WHAT IF THEY DOMESTICATE THE CENTIPEDES AND RIDE THEM INTO BATTLE IN A HORRID SPIDER CAVALRY. Oh god I’ve made a terrible mistake. Just nuke my apartment please. Its the only way.

      • As long as you keep the flamethrowers.

      • When you say that you have formed an alliance, have you actually spoken out loud to the spiders? No? Just me?

        My pacts with spiders usually include, “You stay in that corner of the ceiling, and we’re cool. If I see you on the wall or in the kitchen, it’s the rolled up newspaper/vacuum for you.”

    • I HATE CENTIPEDES MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

      Also: spiders hate lavender. Cannot stress this enough. Sprinkle lavender around your windowsills and doors and it will keep those fuckers away. I did this all summer and had the only house on my block that wasn’t infested with harmless but scary-looking brown and yellow house spiders. Lavender oil works too, but not as well as crushed lavender.

      And for winter… CINNAMON stops ants in their tracks. My parent’s house gets ants when the rainy season hits and cinnamon worked better than actual bug poison.

      Don’t know a safe, healthy way to deal with centipedes other than just burning down your place and getting a new place.

      • I’ve also heard peppermint repels spiders and/or centipedes. I love everything peppermint so if this is true then I’m ready for the creepy crawly apocalypse.

  4. Thanks, Kelly, for making me imagine my walls “breathing” with spider babies because I was just sitting here trying to figure out a way that I could never sleep again.

  5. I’m fine with almost anything except earwigs. Kelly, thank you so much for being terrified of spiders and posting videos of them instead of videos of earwigs.

    • Earwigs are seriously the most terrifying. So terrifying that they are fully 60% of the reason I sleep with ear plugs. The other 40% is my snoring husband who also listens to sports radio for white noise.

  6. “Have someone else put it in a jar and give it to a kid who is interested in spider jars.”

    And tell that kid to never ever ride his dirt bike in the desert or go near anyone named Todd.

  7. Was my favorite part when I knew what was going to happen when he picked out the brass knuckles and tittered at the dramatic irony? Or was it when he paused after already breaking the wall, then punched it again, and only realized his mistake after the second punch?

    It was probably the latter. But Kelly also has me disappointed that tiny baby spiders didn’t come rushing out of the wall, up his arm.

  8. I get wind scorpions in my apt and I hate them so much. Thankfully they can’t fly, but my dog always wants to eat them but I am scared they will hurt him! All to say, I think I need to get my dog some brass knucks.

  9. OH GOD NO!!! I can’t even watch the video because spiders. That’s it. And centipedes. Those two things scare the bejeesus out of me. This year–I blame global warming–we are having more outdoor spiders in our apartment than ever before. We used to have mostly white spiders, now we’re getting a rainbow of them. And they are huge! I was paranoid and put down glue traps near my bed before I went to bed and the next day there was a huge, scary black one of the traps like 1 foot away from the head of my bed.. Like I could see it’s fangs. These are the children of Aragog. Soon war will rage between man and arachnid.

    • “I remember the simpler days when there was a whites-only spider policy in this establishment. All these coloured spiders mixing with each other just confuses people. It’s just not natural.” -specialk

      • Whoa. I’m not racist: I hate all spiders equally.

        “I have a dream that my arachnids will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their exoskeletons but by the content of their character. Little black spiders will be able to join hands with little white spider as sisters and brothers AND LIVE AS FAR AS FROM MY LIVING SPACE AS POSSIBLE. ESPECIALLY THE VENONMOUS.” SpecialK

  10. I don’t mind bugs or spiders.

    Usually I will just capture a spider and release it back into the wild in a field that seems to have too many mosquitoes for my liking.

    I don’t know if spiders prey on mosquitoes but at the very least they will make them very uncomfortable when the field’s walls are breathing with spider babies.

  11. everyone i know who lived in Spokane left not because of the spiders, but because of people like this. ["spokies"]

  12. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up to my dog nudging me. She kept staring at the ceiling, and when I looked up, there was a spider over my head.

    She is a good watchdog.

    • My dog only wakes me up when he is having some bowel issues and you just end up feeling bad for him because he won’t say anything or touch you, just pace a bunch and stare at you. When you wake up to him stranding next to the bed, staring at you, it is time to go for a walk.

  13. Everyone here worrying about earwigs, or spiders, or centipeeds, you need to keep things in perspective. At least none of you live on Ceti Alpha V.

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