Tim Allen has a website. Naturally. Who doesn’t have a website? Your mom has a website. She posts pictures of the dog that she and your dad got after you left for college that they seriously seem to love more than they ever love you. But so Tim Allen has a website, TimAllen.com, and Videogum reader Jeb pointed out that it has a very compelling “Interests” section that deals with Quantum Physics. Hahahhahaha. WHAT? Oh sure. No, totally. Tim Allen’s thoughts on Quantum Physics, for the casual fan who was using Bing to find out more information on the on-set pranks played during the shooting of Galaxy Quest (Tony Shaloub still can’t get that gum out of his hair!). Tim Allen has lots of interesting thoughts to share on the subject, but here are some highlights:

Why am I interested in Quantum Physics? As a kid I asked a lot of questions—believe me—a lot! But one question turned out to be the most magical question of all. “What is this table made out of?” If you think the answer is wood—you’d be right—but you’re sorely mistaken if you think it ends there.

Tim Allen asked a lot of questions of varying degrees of magicalness, but there was one question that was more magical than the rest of the questions: “what is this table made out of?” And if you think the answer is wood, you would be right. Wait, are we done? NO WE ARE NOT DONE!

The yearning to answer this simple question led me to a lot of reading. Not philosophy exactly. Different stuff.

Different stuff. No time to explain. Also none of your business. “Why would you even read philosophy anyways, if your interest is quantum physics, since they are two completely separate fields of inquiry?” SHUT UP, GABE! LET TIM ALLEN TALK MORE ABOUT QUANTUM PHYSICS, HE IS THE BEST!

Weirdest of all, quantum physicists say that unless certain conditions are met, these subatomic particles don’t actually exist. At least I think that ’s what they’re saying. These are pretty complicated concepts, and suggest a very different view of things.

Unsurprisingly, Tim Allen has no idea what quantum physicists are actually saying. But that’s not going to stop him from confidently acting like he totally does.

Now for the bad news: If I’m not really here, neither are you.

Oh man. Some of us may differ on whether or not Tim Allen not actually existing is a good or bad thing. But also the idea of him sitting in his GARAGE at his AIR CONDITIONER WORKBENCH and contemplating the nature of human existence is a lot of fun. Tim Allen!!!!!!!

Why do I spend two hours at the gym every day? What really happened to that delicious steak I ate for dinner? This stuff is enough to keep anyone up at night!

Powerful stuff. Powerful fucking stuff.

In 1999, I had the fortunate opportunity to visit CERN, talk with scientists and get a look at their accelerators.

What a treat for the CERN scientists! They’re still talking about it in the break room. “Yes, the Tim Allen. He had some very magical questions about the table.” What a good website. What a great website.

Incidentally, Tim Allen is in the news today because his car was stolen by a man claiming to be his adopted son. This stuff is enough to keep anyone up at night! Thank you very very much for the tip, Jeb.

Comments (46)
  1. I don’t think so, Tim.

  2. Does anyone else remember Melanie Griffith’s website where she had different meditation “rooms”? And her voice was supposed to be relaxing and she spoke some Buddhist-like new-agey crap? Yes? No? Well that was way worse than this.

  3. Quantum physics – that’s a man thing, right?

  4. He’s a space ranger, of course he cares about quantum physics.

  5. It’s a shame the actor that played Wilson has passed away.
    I’m sure he could help Tim out with his quantum physics conundrum.

    • Why do I spend two hours at the gym every day? What really happened to that delicious steak I ate for dinner? What was up with never ever showing Wilson’s face in Home Improvement? Was he in the witness protection program? Was that stipulated in the actor’s contract? It was certainly a very odd concept for a mainstream prime time television sitcom! Did the audience ever get tired of that gimmick?! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER??? This stuff is enough to keep anyone up at night!

      • The act of seeing the entirety of Wilson’s face and pinning it to down to a specific point in spacetime would have effected his momentum in unpredictable ways, potentially shooting him off into space.

  6. “If power doesn’t truly exist, can we ever have MORE POWER?”

  7. As a molecular biologist, I enjoyed this post.

  8. “What really happened to that delicious steak I ate for dinner? This stuff is enough to keep anyone up at night!”

    Does Tim Allen not poop?

  9. His knowledge of science will come in handy when they come out with the Home Improvement spinoff about Mark and Heidi’s kids entitled Hoverhome Improvement

  10. When Tim Allen reads/learns about quantum physics, is he just quietly Tim-Allen-grunting to himself the whole time? The whole time. For reals. I would like to believe he does. Like his own little first-20-minutes-of-2001:-A-Space-Odyssey, forever and ever.

  11. Anybody else sorely tempted to visit the websites of other celebrities that people no longer care about, to see what you can find? The trick is, trying to think of someone who isn’t really doing much anymore, and who also hasn’t been either a judge or contestant on a reality show.

    • What does this even mean:
      Someday I’m going to figure out how to put Tim’s face over a yeti & I’ll post it here & it will read, “This is what you get for not laughing at my jokes all these years.”
      ??????????????????

  12. Long story short, Tim Allen wants you to know that he goes to the gym for two hours a day.

    • I did love how he shoehorned the “two hours” and “every day” in there. People just wouldn’t understand the question if he said “Why do I go to the gym?”

  13. Tim Allen is our generation’s Anne Hathaway.

  14. “One always dies too soon or too late. And yet, life is there, finished: the line is drawn, and it must all be added up. You are nothing other than that delicious steak you ate for dinner.” -Jean-Paul Sartre

  15. Hey, What’s Up With Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

  16. Fuckin tables, how do they work? Miracles everywhere, man.

  17. This almost made me like Tim Allen a little bit. I love it when people are interested in things and want to share, it’s just so dorky and endearing, but then I realized he’s probably seen What the Bleep do We Know? about a dozen times and I went back to not thinking about Tim Allen.

  18. I want to go to Tim Allen’s local bookstore where there are only two sections. Philosophy on the left, Other Stuff on the right.

  19. I just scanned the title of this article and really thought it was about Tim Allen and “Quantum Leap.” Now I’m kinda disappointed.

  20. Tim Allen’s car is a 1996 Impala? Guess those “Home Improvement” residuals aren’t all they’re cracked up to be…

  21. Now all I can think about is how on the finale of Home Improvement the guy who played Wilson showed his whole face and he slapped his cheeks with a :-o face on, like, “Look! It’s me! I have a face!” and it was kind of exciting, I guess.

  22. I can’t explain why but this has quickly become of my favorite Videogum posts. I guess it’s the Kirk Cameron effect: passe celebrity + bafflingly out-of-nowhere quotes = classic Videogum post, always.

  23. This article should not caustically prod the buffoonery of a man, barely clinging to a legacy, a time to twinkle on cultural landscape before being snuffed by the very people who granted him the opportunity.
    Now what is Allen but a shoulder to lean on during these days of massive unemployment where the warm glow of a mid-morning dip in the TBS line-up can rock the wretches of the world back to comfort.

    Behold, a mere segmented glimpse into the sort of inspiration Tim Allen is still capable of providing an Internet community who like him are just another Shaggy dog trying to wipe off the grime of their own excrement and take a spin on those wild hogs:

    “Tim,

    I’ve studied your questions for 24 hours. I understand them, can relate to them, and am positive I do not have the answers. I believe (like another wrote) that sometimes there is something to be gained in like-mindedness, so here goes…(and this is only the tip of my mind!)

    After I copied your post to think about it, I wondered where ‘a Wilson’ was when we really needed him. Then, I wondered if you had not asked these same questions of your Wilson on HI…perhaps in different words, but close to the question? Who wrote those pearls of wisdom that came from his mouth? And like God, you never really got to see Wilsons’ face…so, that was one level of response…maybe you’ve already gotten answers to some of these questions through your own creativity? Just one thought. (consciousness) “

  24. How come Tim Allen gets to exist whether I exist or not but he has to exist for me to exist?QUANTUM PHYSICS IS SO UNFAIR.

  25. What will he grunt up next?

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