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Choosing to be baptized as an adult, thereby dedicating your life to the Christian faith, is an important and serious decision one makes with their heart, their mind, their faith, their family, and of course don’t forget their PARTY PLANNERRRSSAAAAAAAAH! Hahah. You’re about to enjoy a nice little video tutorial on how to make your adult baptism a bit more stylish than all the other gross, poor people adult baptisms you may have been to in the past, but before we begin I’d like to share my own person five rules for any adult baptism:
- Clothing optional
- BYOB (B = “Baptism” in both cases.)
- NO BUGS ALLOWED
- No politics/religion talk
- Live act must have 2 singles currently in the billboard hot 100
If you just follow those five rules your adult baptism should be a smash, but will it be stylish? NOT LIKELY. Plz listen to this lady tell you how to make it stylish.
Thanks, lady! Godmothers CAN wear clothing to the baptism. Girl is allowed 2 white dresses. Cake is the centerpiece. No God talk. Doves. Pools are OK because it is hard to fit a natural body of water in a mansion. Whites only I MEAN white clothing only. God is going to be so fucking psyched when he gets the bill for this baptism! (Thanks for the tip, Fondue Cheddar!)
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“The uploader has not made this video available in your country”!
Why doesn’t God want Canadians to have stylish adult baptisms? Yes, all Canadian baptisms are polar dips into a frozen lake, but they can probably still be stylish if only we had the correct advice, right?
This is really disappointing. I think I’ll probably just become Jewish now.
Here’s a recap:
1. Churches are fine but swimming pools are cleaner and way more stylish.
2. If you’re being baptized, you need two white dresses: one to jump into the pool with and one to mingle with.
3. If you’re the godmother, DO NOT show your boobs.
4. Get a fancy cake.
5. Release doves.
I think for everyone else, boobs are OK though. Right?
Please. I do NOT want to see granny’s boobs.
How old is the average godmother in an adult baptism situation? If it’s the same age difference as for baby baptisms, I would have thought that it’s sort of past visibile-cleave age. But maybe not in Texas?
You guys have Jesus in Canada?
We have Sedna, the Inuit goddess of the sea to whom we sacrifice the elderly. Just like you guys, right?
Oh we definitely have her in Portland… she’s a really good acupuncturist/goddess/vegan life coach.
I read the title as “How To Make Your Adult Baby A Little More Stylish” and now I really want to read a post about that.
I love that she grudgingly admits that churches MAY be more traditional for baptisms. MAY.
It is preferable to the cheap showiness of nature.
I always scent my baptisms with Tanas root.
What was that again about Texas seceding?
Does this mean my baby baptism can’t be stylish?
ADULT SWIM
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a Big Rich Texas to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
BTW same rules apply for an adult bris.
You will want to change for the second half of the party.
So this is just a wedding for one? (I mean you don’t marry Jesus unless you join a convent, right?)
Make sure to serve #satanlives toast to remind everyone of the evils and temptations that you are rejecting in your life with Christ.
I just wanted to say that your 5 rules made me laugh out loud at work!
Be sure to tune in to ‘Boobalicious Baptism’ on TLC this fall.
TLC: “Life surprises”.
Religion is always a good source for absurdist comedy. Except the crusades, that was dark comedy.
WELCOME TO MY BATISM
NOTICE THERE IS NO ‘P’ IN IT
LET’S KEEP IT THAT WAY