It is a slightly well-known fact that when celebrities check into hotels or make reservations at restaurants and want that business to remain private, they will sometimes use a different name from their Hollywood name. I’m almost positive that this is a fact most people know. But one thing I do not understand is that if they do want to remain private, why are all of their aliases so fucking ridiculous? From Courier Journal:

When Johnny Depp checks into a hotel, the A-list actor probably won’t be using his real name. Instead, you can just call him Mr. Drip Noodle. That’s the moniker the “Pirates of the Caribbean” star has been known to register under to protect his privacy, according to Us Weekly.

But he’s not the only celebrity with a covert identity.

Brad Pitt and Angelina are also known as Bryce and Jasmine Pilaf when the superstar couple want to go incognito when checking into hotels.

Hip hop star Jay-Z uses the alias Frank Sinatra, whom he raps about — “I’m the new Sinatra” — in his Big Apple anthem “Empire State of Mind.”

Meanwhile, Justin Bieber checks in under the name Chandler Bing, which was Matthew Perry’s character on “Friends.”

AHHHHH, JUSTIN BIEBER! While “Chandler Bing” is 100% the MOST PERFECT name you could pick for yourself, if you have to pick a name for yourself other than your own name (in fact I’m not sure why every Catholic doesn’t pick “Chandler Bing” as his or her confirmation name), I’m not sure it is the best choice for not causing a stir at a hotel, because if I worked at a hotel I would be much more excited that Chandler Bing was staying the night than I would be about Justin Bieber. Hell, even if I thought it was just a non-fictional man whose REAL NAME was “Chandler Bing” I would be super psyched. “TMZ? THIS IS KELLY. COME DOWN TO THE HOTEL, THERE IS A PERSON NAMED CHANDLER BING CHECKING IN AT 2PM.” With that said, now that we know Justin Bieber has already taken the perfect alias for himself, WHAT WOULD YOUR COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS HOTEL/RESTAURANT ALIAS BE IF YOU NEEDED ONE? Mine would be “Vin¢ent Gall-hello PeeUPantz.” Or “Blippidy Bloop Sir, The Third Spelled Out.” Or, “Monica Joey Rachel Gunther Ross Phoebe Chandler.” What a smart game!

Comments (31)
  1. My alias would be Jennifer Garner.

  2. Mine is Gabe Delahaye.

  3. I have a list that I rotate through. You can’t be too careful.

    Slab Bulkhead, Fridge Largemeat, Punt Speedchunk, Butch Deadlift, Bold Bigflank, Splint Chesthair, Flint Ironstag, Bolt Vanderhuge, Thick McRunfast, Blast Hardcheese, Buff Drinklots, Crunch Slamchest, Fist Rockbone, Stump Beefknob, Smash Lampjaw, Punch Rockgroin, Buck Plankchest, Stump Junkman, Dirk Hardpec, Rip Steakface, Slate Slabrock, Crud Bonemeal, Brick Hardmeat, Rip Slagcheek, Punch Sideiron, Gristle McThornbody, Slate Fistcrunch, Buff Hardback, Bob Johnson, Blast Thickneck, Crunch Buttsteak, Slab Squatthrust, Lump Beefbroth, Touch Rustrod, Beef Blastbody, Big McLargehuge, Smoke Manmuscle, Beat Punchmeat, Hack Blowfist, and Roll Fizzlebeef.

  4. I’ve heard Chris Trash stays under the alias “P-nut.”

  5. Chief Petty Officer Clown.

  6. I actually do have an alias that I used to use. It started out as Alex Summers, but then I changed over to JC Lisbon. I had fake business cards and everything! I usually still introduce myself to people as JC if I’ve been drinking. Totally normal behavior.

    • Both of those names sound like you belong in a B-list 90s boy band.

    • Me too! I was always Gwen Van der Fox. Originally my family name was Van der Focks (Dutch onviously), but my Grandfather – Lars Van der Focks, changed it because it was so close to the F word. I used to always run with that story in bars when I would meet people. So as far as I’m concerned, that is very normal behavior.

      • I think you just became my new favorite person. We should hang out in bars and tell ridiculous lies and high five each other.

        • That sounds like fun! I would also like some “Gwen Van der Fox” business cards, if you can hook me up. Before we start though, what does JC stand for? Or is it just two cool initials that look cool together?

          • I don’t tell anybody; I was named after my father, but after he left my mother I just shortened it to JC. And Gwen Van Der Fox might be a great name for JC Lisbon’s co-worker, as he is a director/producer for Xpose Films. The phone number on the business card goes to a pay phone with a broken ringer, so it will always ring and nobody will ever answer.

  7. Jimmy Boxstring or Abraham Shelvington. No matter that I’m a lady.

  8. Former NBA player Sam Perkins uses the alias Sheepdog Plankton, which he found by randomly selecting a name from a phone book. Sam Perkins wins at this game.

  9. Miss Pussy Galore Honey Rider Solitaire Plenty O’Toole May Day Xenia Onatopp Holly Goodhead Tiffany Case Kissy Suzuki Mary Goodnight Jinx Johnson Octopussy Domino Moneypenny, but just Miss Pussy for short.

  10. Interestingly enough I usually check into Hotels under the name “Justin Bieber”.

  11. Mine is Jack Dope

  12. I know what you mean. I have an algorithm that randomly generates authentic-sounding English names:

    Zingelbert Bembledack, Yingybert Dambleban, Zangelbert Bingledack, Wingelbert Humptyback, Slut Bunwalla, Kringelbert Fishtybuns, Steviebuns Bottrittrundle, Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Benedict Cumberbatch, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck, etc etc

  13. Dirt McGirt

  14. Rusty Shackleford

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