Restaurants and food criticism are admittedly a bit outside of Videogum’s jurisdiction, but the only reason Guy Fieri is even able to open a restaurant in Times Square is because of his appearances on television, and that’s absolutely our business, so read this review, it’s “important.” (See: “hilarious.”)

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Comments (32)
  1. Anxiously awaiting Dad Boner’s rebuttal.

  2. It reads almost like a Megan Amram tumblr posting.

  3. This is hilarious, but also disappointing, because regardless of how you feel about Guy Fieri as a human being, his recipes are often gateways to heart-clogging pleasure.

  4. Words cannot begin to express how little I want to eat anything with something called “Donkey Sauce” on it.

  5. Best part:

    “The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.”

  6. “Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?”

    Something tells me this line will haunt me for years to come.

    • One time I ate blueberries that were so old they tasted like basil? Which I guess can happen? There was no basil in my kitchen at the time. This was not flavour transfer.

    • I once had pancakes that tasted like fish at a diner, but being the kind of person I am, I presumed I was just being crazy, and kept eating them. Bite after bite of mackerel-infused maple syrup passed through my mouth, until finally not even the taste of bacon could eradicate the feeling of eating low tide from my senses. Yes, I returned the foul dish, but not before experiencing the flavor enough times that when the New York Times reviewed Guy Fieri’s new restaurant and described the marshmallows, I was struck with the sensation once more.

    • That confounded me, too, until I realized maybe it was fish gelatin? Or maybe it was just fish in Michelin Man suits.

    • Sure, Guy Fieri serves a fish marshmallow and it’s gross. Ferran Adria does it, it’s brilliant.

  7. I pretty much ask myself if things are conceptual art pieces like 24/7 because I just don’t have any other explanation for most of the nightmare nonsense that goes on anymore.

  8. We’ve been upstaged! (cc frank lloyd wrong and just dessérts)

  9. On one hand, funny, great. On the other, it’s kind of like writing a review of Space Buddies and complaining it lacks emotional depth. No doubt there was a stampede in the Times’ newsroom for who would get to write this assignment. There was no chance this restaurant was going to be even mildly acceptable.

  10. The anxiety, confusion, and frustration found in this article is actually exactly how I feel whenever I am unfortunate enough to have to walk through Times Square. So at least Guy Fieri’s restaurant will fit in, if nothing else.

  11. so i found out 2 weeks ago that I am related to Guy Fieri. very distantly. and through marriage. should i give him a call and read this to him?

  12. my dream as long as i’ve lived in new york city is to plan and execute a times square bar crawl. applebee’s, tgif, the olive garden, guy’s heart attack emporium, etc. The only thing stopping me so far is the couple of thousand dollars it would take to pay for 5 drinks in times square. oh also, chevy’s fresh mex.

  13. Oof, that was out of bounds!

  14. So what you’re saying is Wells dusted off his rejected McSweeny’s intern submission from 1999, peppered it with some Guy Fieri, and hoped nobody would notice.

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