This clip from The Today Show in 1984 does a good job about answering a lot of the questions I had about the haunted toaster (does fire come out, is it happy or sad, is it good at making toast) but there are still a few lingering, like:

  • Have you ever looked inside?
  • If no: DO NOT LOOK INSIDE!
  • If yes: I’m imagining a tiny claymation Hell scene. Is that correct?
  • Do you ever talk to the toaster? Is it ever nice, or is it always just mean?
  • Do you think it’s lonely?
  • A few years ago I had a toaster and when I put a piece of toast in and pulled the lever down A MOUSE POPPED OUT. Do you think that is worse or not as bad as your toaster?
  • That was a trick question, it was much worse and then I DID buy a new toaster.
  • Do you have feelings for the spirit (Satan, presumably) that possesses the toaster?
  • It’s fine if you do! Seriously, no judging. It’s probably nice to have someone around all the time who you can depend on, no matter who they are.
  • And that would help to explain why you don’t want to get rid of it. Seriously, no judging.
  • What if it breaks? Will you repair it?
  • Where is it now?
  • Where are you now?
  • R U ok?

We can only hope that Today will do a 30-year anniversary follow-up. #satanlives (Via Abroath.)

Comments (45)
  1. OH MY GOSH KELLY I AM SO GLAD YOU GOT A NEW TOASTER. That sounds legitimately mroe terrifying than anything Hollywood has put out in at least a decade. They should do a movie about mice hiding in toasters. We had mice at my old place and tried to use the no-kill traps, but when you open them to release the mice they pop out like those snakes in cans that were a hilarious gag gift in the 50s ONLY A MILLION TIMES MORE HORRIFYING.

    • YES. I actually clutched my nonexistent pearls when I read about Kelly’s mousetoast. KELLY YOUR BRAVERY IN EATING TOAST AFTER THAT LEGITIMATELLY IMPRESSES ME BECAUSE I PRETTY MUCH BURNED MY APARTMENT DOWN AND SALTED THE EARTH AFTER MY MOUSE ADVENTURE OH GOD OH GOD EW EW EW

    • i had a terrible misadventure with those “humane” glue traps! the mouse got so stuck on there that i had to drench it in olive oil and pry it off with a butter knife. and then the mouse was so covered in goo that when i tried to put it outside, it just picked up all this dirt and leaves and turned into a mini swamp monster. so i picked it back up and decided to try to give it a bath (because soap and water would at least get all the oil off of him)- but as soon as i put it in the bathtub, it just ran STRAIGHT INTO THE DRAIN OF THE TUB AND GOT STUCK. so there was just this whipping mouse tail coming out of the drain, and terrible squealing noises. a friend had to pull it out using needle nose pliers, which mangled the poor thing beyond repair. so. rather than just quickly snapping its neck with a mousetrap, i basically tortured that little guy for a good hour and forced him to live through “hostel: the mouse files”. :( i gave him a nice little burial in the woods though.

    • I once had rats living inside my washing machine. Which I found out when it stopped working because they’d chewed through the wiring. And then the washing machine repair guys KILLED them and I felt bad. YOU CAN’T JUST TAKE THEM OUT IN A FIELD SOMEWHERE?!

    • Real talk: get an electronic mousetrap that electrocutes them and you can just toss the bodies. Don’t ask me why I know this. Just know that it is absolutely worth the $65 or so.

  2. Satan is just doing that to distract her so he can bang her husband:

  3. Clearly, 1984 was a slow year in creativity for the Prince of Darkness.

    • This lady’s nephew had a Black Sabbath cassette that was briefly on the kitchen table, in contact with the toaster – so what would YOU expect to happen? It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, just routine spook work.

    • When you fill that toaster with pink goo, it responds to the sounds of KISS, which all good mothers know stands for Knights In Satan’s Service.

  4. Kelly! What are you doing blogging on this, the day of Veteran’s Day? How dare ye! JK, THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE! I was afraid I would nothing to read all day as I didn’t have to go into work!

  5. Isn’t EVERY toaster haunted? I always assumed that’s the reason that they toast my bread to whatever level of darkness they goddamn well please, regardless of how I set the dial.

  6. I played it on mute and that was most hilarious thing I’ve seen so far today! I love you so much for finding this. I was like, how do they know it’s haunted? And then that “Satan Lives” piece of pumpernickel made me laugh out loud. And the fire! OMG that was he piece de resistance. Maybe she should switch the settings from “evil” to “bagel.”

    Also, Kelly, for future toasting reference, we keep a large, dry, folded up dishrag on top of the toaster slots when it’s not in use. So far we’ve been successful in preventing unwanted creatures from nibbling on crumbs. Unless they are OCD or the Sherlock Holmeses of rodentia and rearrange the rag so as not to garner suspicion.

  7. this womans priorities are something i can relate to

    possibility of possession/ eternal damnation < some good toast

  8. I for one hope the toaster is really haunted by the devil. I don’t know, I just really want to live in a world where a woman in Florida makes a pact with the embodiment of evil to live with her in exchange for good toast.

  9. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU TO HEAT THE BREAD EVENLY ON BOTH SIDES!

  10. That ain’t a haunted toaster.

    THIS is a haunted toaster.

    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xuq221_pleasure-toast_shortfilms

  11. “There’s something wrong with my toast!” – Archers of Loaf and this lady

  12. i miss the good ol’ days when only creaky houses and stagecoaches were haunted. all this new technology, it’s too much.

  13. Not as good as the first Ghostbusters.

  14. This might be my favorite thing ever.

  15. Prepare yourselves for the crispening.

  16. I recounted this to a friend while in line for coffee and during the whole explanation I laughed so hard tears came down my face. Everybody in there thought I was weird. It was a long day.

    • I love when this happens. I was recounting a story once that really wasn’t that funny but for some reason it struck me as insanely hilarious when I told it to the family at the breakfast table. I proceeded to laugh so hard that I started to cry which then caused me to start genuinely sobbing and scare the kids. I had to run to the bedroom where I continued to sob loudly as my husband laughed at me.

  17. How long before Think Geek carries a toaster that shoots flames and burns “Satan Lives” on toast?

  18. On one hand one can see June is endeared to her toaster, reluctant to just pick it up and smash it on the floor, reluctant to believe that it doesn’t love her as much as she loves it. Yet on the other hand she’s taunted and bears a serious grudge against it for refusing to behave and sing savory lullabies to her.

    http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/11/the-haunted-satanic-toaster-will-make-you-weep-too/

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