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There is an interesting but also intense article in the New York Times today whose headline is “For Romney, All His Career Options Are Still Open. Except One.” KABOOOOOOOM. That is a pretty strong diss headline. Do they give out Pultizers for diss headlines? I’ve been overall pretty fascinated by all of the post-election Romney coverage. Like, did you see the article in GQ about the Secret Service calling off the Romney family’s security detail? And how he had a 15 car entourage on the way to the convention center, and the following morning Tagg drove him home. Good grief! To be a fly about to kill himself on the wall of that car ride. But perhaps the most astonishing report was about how Romney booked and then had to cancel a FIREWORKS DISPLAY in Boston Harbor. Well, now, hold on a second, dude! That is some supremely arrogant bullshit. In order to mark the end of a particularly exhausting and hard-fought and divisive election cycle, you were going to SHOOT OFF FIREWORKS? Not very graceful! Not very cool! Kind of glad they blew up in your face! Oh well. Guys, whatever, I’m really glad it is over. Let’s all please, as if it is even possible not to, but please have a better weekend than Mitt Romney is having.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Election Day Caption Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 R2D2, Esq. | Nov 7th Score:45

I was watching NBC when that happened last night, and I lol’d you guys. That’s right. I laughed. Out loud. Because of Brian Williams. Who is a national treasure.

Posted in: A Friendly Chat With Gabe And Kelly: Donald Trump Vs. Brian Williams
#4 Captain Boring of the S.S. Shut Up | Nov 7th Score:45

By far my favorite tweets of last night were from Victoria Jackson:

9:02: “I can’t stop crying.”

9:02: “America died”

9:07: “I can’t stop crying. America died.”

Haha what is the last tweet about?? I’d like to imagine that at 9:06, she was like, I don’t get it, why didn’t those tweets make me feel any better?? Maybe this will help…

Posted in: Barack Obama Re-Elected President Of The United States
#3 lilbobbytables | Nov 7th Score:46

Thank fuck. Also, MN voters defeated two amendments that would require voter ID and make same sex marriage super illegal. Yaaaay! Michelle Bachmann was re-elected, but with a tiny margin, so I guess progress? Whatever, I got to drink the celebration bourbon rather than the emergency tear stained bourbon of defeat.

Posted in: Barack Obama Re-Elected President Of The United States
#2 inglorius basTURD | Nov 7th Score:48

We did it! We stopped #KONY!

Wait, am I on the right blog?

Posted in: Barack Obama Re-Elected President Of The United States
#1 old man fatima | Nov 7th Score:60

Congratulations on your pot-fueled gay marriages, my American brothers!!

Posted in: Barack Obama Re-Elected President Of The United States

[Assoc. Ed. Note: FOUR MORE YEARS! OF THESE COMMENTS! GOOD JOB GUYS! HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 facetaco | Nov 5th Score:-6
That’s the same way I feel about Mitt Romney.
Posted in: Jimmy Kimmel’s Halloween Candy Prank, Take 2

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Meaning he makes him "feel better about the future of humanity." I'm not sure how that's true at this point, but fine!]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

topknot | Nov 6th Score:51

You guys, I don’t think that’s the real Big Bird. This voter fraud stuff is real…

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Election Day

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, topknot! You earned it.]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

ptsmith_vt | 3:15pm Score:2
Oh my god. This is the clearest realization I have ever had about how much I would hate to be famous.

 

Posted in: Jonah Hill VS. Don Lemon: Whose Side Are You On?

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Yes. When I was in high school there was apparently a girl who looked a lot like me at another high school, and often people would tell me they saw me at places like the mall or whatever and waved at me and I didn't wave back and what was the deal? And it would never be me! And I just had to imagine all of these people out there, people who didn't even talk to me about it, thinking that I was just the hugest jerk because I didn't wave back at them. I imagine that's what being famous would be like, except I would actually be the jerk they were talking about.]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

blindshoes | Nov 8th Score:7

never really thought about pizza before. but now it’s all i can think about.

Posted in: David’s Pizza Commercial

[Ed. Note: Not really sure how you even survived this long, but WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE LIVING.]

Comments (29)
  1. That bit about fireworks blowing up in someone’s face made me very nervous!

    • Also, NUMBER ONE COMMENT?? Can I offer my trophy to Max Beerbong for the Dong Draper thing? Because he sure deserved it more than I did.

      • Ever seen a drunk 19th century writer blush? If you gave it to me, I’d have to give it to facetaco for setting me up so beautifully, and he’s a Republican so he’s not allowed to win things (nailed it.) Let’s all just share. Number 1 goes to all Monsters everywhere for being so impossibly good at commenting all the time. What a week.

  2. Four more years of dancing

  3. I was very ashamed that I didn’t get to contribute the traditional eyepatch/facial hair/swastika graffiti on the ScarJo post earlier this week, so I made you all this:

    Have a weird Friday night, Monsters. Let’s dance.

  4. It’s Friday everyone! Unless you are in a time zone different from mine in which case I guess it might be Saturday. Everyone have a great weekend! Woooooooooo!

  5. Dear Kelly,

    RE: Your associate editor’s note about the girl who looked like you:

    That story is uncomfortably close to straight-up doppelganger talk, which as we all know is the most horrifying creature of our nightmares in all the world. Who are we if we can’t be ourselves, and what will ultimately become of you if some evil entity bubbles forth as an exact copy of you, effortlessly assuming your identity and going about not waving to your friends and loved ones, sullying your reputation and social standing, and once it’s ripped away everything you have, it will appear around the corner of a dimly lit hallway to face you, pupil-less eyes and a twisted grin on its face-that-is-also-your-face from ear to ear in a way YOU know hurts your own face when you’ve tried smiling that big and holding it while you looked at your reflection in the bathroom mirror that one time, and then you just… disappear (because it murders you)?

    I’m glad it was just some girl that looked like you and not what I was just talking about!

    Have a good weekend!

  6. And this guy:

    I just feel kind of bad for Gary, you know?

  7. dancing gif.gif

  8. My gif of Obama dancing got almost 8 votes0! I guess it’s not counted because its a gif? Oh well. Fun week and excellent work ballers!!! Party time!

  9. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    im freaking out

  10. but seriously, i only started posting here a few weeks ago (despite reading the site for close to 3 years now) and to just be NOMINATED for an award is totally rad. It’s even better to have won. I promise to carry this honor with distinction and poise and grace and whatever weird stuff people say when they’re really overdoing a joke that nobody finds funny and that everyone stopped reading about a couple lines ago.

  11. We did it, everybody! Congrats to the ballers! Congrats to all monsters! Everyone’s a winner!

  12. I wish I were still a monster. I’d have told Captain Boring that Victoria Jackson’s dog was named America. He’d have felt like such a dick until I came clean that she was really weeping about the country’s future.

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