Hang in there, guys! We are almost done here. Seriously, though, what else is there to even talk about today? Can you think of something else that you want to talk about? Because if you can, you are more than welcome to talk about that in the comments. We will just keep running our dumb mouths up here and you guys go on with your day. Little boys playing football still? Up to you! But mostly there is only one thing that what we have to talk about right now, and we will wear ourselves hoarse and then we will move on. This is OUR generation’s Hurricane Sandy. ANYHOW. Last night, before the election was even over, Bill O’Reilly was asked by a FOX News Correspondent why the election was so close when by all of their accounting, Mitt Romney (or basically any republican candidate) should have won in a landslide. This is a fair question! Barack Obama had middling approval ratings, and the economy was still largely in the garbage can. Even the most stalwart Obama supporter can or at least should recognize that he won in no small part because of his opponent’s lack of appeal rather than his inspirational incumbency. Towards the end of Obama’s first term, there was a clear and powerful vacuum of voter enthusiasm waiting to be filled, but Mitt Romney was not the man to fill it. He stunk! Guys, he stunk. Millions of people voted for him, yes, in a combination of disappointment, party loyalty, and casual racism, but everyone knew that he stunk. Some people just thought he stunk a little bit less than the other guy that they thought stunk, but that did not make him not a stinker himself. And so that was the question posed to Bill O’Reilly: what happened? If America was as open and available to the idea of a new president as it seemed that they were, why wouldn’t they just hoist a new one in there on their joyous shoulders, Bar Mitzvah chair dance style? To which Bill O’Reilly gave the following answer:

Fuckin’ Bill O’Reilly, man! He is straight up the human embodiment of the scorpion and the frog folk tale. “Why did you sting me?” the frog asked. “Because I’m a fucking dick,” O’Reilly answered. Here is the thing about this answer: PART OF IT IS CORRECT. This is the end of the “white establishment” as defined by Bill O’Reilly. This election was the final grasp of an aging, racially homogenous political party to rely on those two foundational tenets. From here on out, it will (probably, good God let’s hope so) no longer be possible to create a winning coalition based solely on the divisive politics of American isolationism, xenophobia, religious extremism, misogynistic health practices, and racially-biased economic deprivation. Sorry, you old white fucks! You had a good run! So what he’s saying is TRUE.

The part that is the old classic “Bill O’Reilly is an asshole” bullshit is to condescendingly and irresponsibly structure this new world order as a brave and noble (but losing) contest between hard working Americans and people who “want stuff.” O’Reilly is not wrong that we live in a gimme culture. Holy cow, people TOTALLY want stuff. Bill O’Reilly, a multi-millionaire who lives on Long Island DEFINITELY WANTS STUFF. Dude is not sleeping in a pod hotel by the airport and eating soup-in-a-cup. (His argument would be that he has worked for his stuff, which would be fine if we all agreed on the definition of “work,” but let’s be very honest about how insane it is that one human being can make a certain amount of money by appearing on television and spouting lies–or BLOGGING for that matter–while other people make much less money to, say, teach, or wear out all of the cartilage in their knees digging holes in the ground. If we are not even clear on what is a fair and universal definition of the term “work” then you cannot use that as an explanation for everything.) And let’s also be clear on what he means when he says “stuff,” because the use of the word “stuff” is very flippant and it suggests that there is a group of American voters who want a free iPad. (Again, that is actually all Americans, but that doesn’t mean they expect the government to provide them.) What he means by stuff, what we all mean by stuff, is access to affordable health care, the ability to attend college, equal rights for all human beings regardless of sexual orientation, and the pursuit for people around the world of the very same American dream that we have used as our primary advertising slogan for 900 years. Oh! And also by stuff I think he means “Senators who don’t glorify rape under the banner of God.” So yeah, people want stuff. Fuck you, you racist, homophobic, misogynistic* piece of shit.

OK, like I said, we’re almost done here. Four more years of trampoline farts and baby kitten FAILS.

*I actually don’t even think that Bill O’Reilly the off-camera human being is any of those things, which makes his entire “thing” even worse!
Comments (38)
  1. At one point he looks like he’s about to cry. Poor baby. White men will no longer be the only people who can have it all. That’s what’s happening, that’s what he’s whining about and all I can say is phew. I’m a white man (until I get on a dance floor), and I can think of no greater thing happening to this country then a diverse sexual, racial and whatever else people are – base. Viva la Diversite!

  2. Let’s talk about Deadwood instead

    • Absolutely not.

    • Alright, let’s. I tried to watch an episode and I just couldn’t get past the cussing. I have no problem with profanity in my media, especially in this case as I feel that in the old west men probably spoke to one another primarily in profanities. BUT, I get pulled right out of a show if they try to pass off modern-day slang for ye olde slange. I read somewhere that they tried the pilot using era-appropriate swears, and people just thought it was way too silly because they sure did use some silly-sounding curse words in those days. Which I suppose is a fair concern. But for me, modern profanity in a period setting just feels gratuitous. It feels like they want to shock us and have us saying “Wow, what a badass this guy is, just throwing “cunt” around like he doesn’t even care!!”

      • “oh poor me I’m so delicate my dainty sensitive precious little ears cant handle a few swear words boo hoo hoo” that’s you talking

      • The dialogue in that show is marvelous. Like The Wire’s drug-dealing terminology and multi-faceted Baltimore dialects, it took about four episodes for the cuss-filled dialogue of Deadwood to just *CLICK* in my head and then I couldn’t stop listening to it with much enjoyment. Language is so much fun.

    • That was a very good show.

    • I love Deadwood. I named my bowling ball “piss puddle” after that time Calamity Jane woke up and realized she was sleeping in a piss puddle and told the lady from Treme, “Must not’ve seen that when seating myself.” So good. I also like how some of the characters always say, “Anyway…” when things get weird. And I like how some of the actors play different parts. Deadwood is awesome!

  3. What else is there to talk about?! You haven’t said ONE GODDAMN THING today about the fact that Honey boo Boo has a new pet chicken.

    And I thought we were friends.

    • So what’s the name of this new pet, FT? Or should we take a poll and “Name Honey Boo Boo’s Chicken” ? I’m liking the sound of that.

  4. Woman. Man. White. Black. Religious. Atheist. It doesn’t matter we’re all human… in Skynet’s eyes and it will kill without prejudice.

  5. Let’s talk about the fact that I get to see my rock hero Pat Benatar perform tomorrow night. Love is definitely going to be a battlefield, but off of the political floor.

    • Let’s talk about the fact that you mentioned Pat Benatar right after FLW mentioned Terminator, which are both things that have killed Bill Paxton (Pullman?)

    • Can we also talk about that Jordan Sparks love is a battlefield song and I was ready to dislike it when it came out, thinking it was going to be another shitty 80s nostalgia Black Eyed Peas style song, but I actually really liked it?

  6. Romney’s lack of appeal was a big factor. No denying that guy’s lack of appeal (which is a weird double-negative way to say: There is a lot of denying that guy’s appeal).
    Just as important, though, I think, is that a lot of people voted not so much *for* what Obama would do, but *against* what the the current pro-corporate, anti-middle-class, racist, sexist far-right-lunatic-fringe Tea Party GOP would have done, had Romney won and the GOP held onto their Congressional majority.
    I voted for Obama no duh; but I found myself thinking not so much “Obama will save us all and there will be many more seasons of Boardwalk Empire yaaaay” as “Obama will stop the GOP from deregulating the financial industry even further… he’ll stop the GOP from outlawing abortions.. from making gay marriage illegal..”.

    For whatever that’s worth.

  7. “Look. A lot of bad stuff happened to white people too. Like when they took our slaves away.” —Louis C.K.

  8. Redistribution of stuff!

  9. We can always talk about Tilda. I bet she is doing something really cool right now, like having a shoot out with Interpol or ordering brunch or something.

  10. Oh man, and some of those guys were saying they needed a more conservative candidate to win. I would have loved front row tickets to that shit show/ass beating.

  11. I decided to watch Veronica Mars last night because why not. You guys, it’s a really good show. You should seriously consider checking it out.

  12. the phrase “traditional america” makes me want to choke his wattle-y neck so hard his little weasel eyes pop out.

  13. Sure, O’Reilly plays up his schtick on television, but I don’t see much evidence to suggest he holds views contrary to what he expresses there (I know, Gabe is not necessarily saying otherwise). He has perfected (OK, strong word) another trait I see in current supporters of the GOP: the ability to play-act reasonable, to hedge extreme positions with false empathy, when in front of more liberal or centrist listeners.

    Example I heard recently by random conservative person: “Look, making sure people are covered for preexisting conditions is a good and noble idea, but the question is whether this was the best way to go about doing it.”

    In retrospect, I should have responded like Erin: “Buts…are for pooping.”

  14. hey everyone who voted for Obama!

  15. “*I actually don’t even think that Bill O’Reilly the off-camera human being is any of those things, which makes his entire “thing” even worse!”

    Considering this clip (http://youtu.be/KrlVP9E-maw) and the fact that he’s been sued for sexual harassment at least once, I believe it’s safe to assume that Bill O’Reilly is at least one of those things, if not all of them.

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