Videogum reader Emma sent us an email about her recent discovery of the Facebook group “Heterosexual Awareness Month,” which is your Facebook group. Good group! Great group. Very cool group for a very cool thing. If one thing has become increasingly clear in the Culture Wars over gay marriage it is that heterosexuals are INVISIBLE and we need to do whatever we can to BRING THEM OUT OF THE SHADOWS. Obviously, this is nonsense. The group is garbage, who cares. Even the most cursory look at their page shows them to not only be homophobic, but also weirdly racist and sexist but in extraordinarily confusing ways. For example: there is a Photoshop of Obama with a woman’s body wearing sexy lingerie and it says “Change, did somebody say change?… No thanks I’ll take sanity.” Haha, WHAT? That is just straight up bonkers I don’t even know what. (One woman who “liked” the page posted a note that says: “I’m so straight, first thing I did when I bought a house was brick up the back door.” The point is: we live in a beautiful world full of fascinating and wonderful people. Characters welcome.)

ANYWAY, now we are just giving lip service to a fringe group of fucking assholes, and what is the point, except that Emma also points out that the Heterosexual Awareness Month (which is JULY, incidentally, LOL, what?) group has launched a membership drive for the month of November. It’s pretty cool and easy to be a part of it, as the page points out: “It’s simple just click join! That’s all there is to it… you are in. All you have to do now is enjoy your heterosexual lifestyle.” ALL YOU HAVE TO DO NOW IS ENJOY YOUR HETEROSEXUAL LIFESTYLE! Cool. Dope. Fun club. When you pledge your orientation with these nightmares, they promise that you will have “worldwide acceptance, cool relationships, specific roles, and minimum guilt.” Hahaha. How are we not all members of this great community! I LOVE COOL RELATIONSHIPS WITH MINIMUM GUILT AND HATE IN OUR HEARTS! Anyway, if you’re going to push for new members, you’re going to need to make a flyer, obviously, and if you’re going to make a flyer about the joys of heterosexuality, you’re going to need a fresh image of straight people loving to have fun, and what better image than a class photo from Degrassi: The Next Generation. Wait, what? Yoops! Degrassi: The Next Generation, of course, had numerous homosexual characters whose storylines were treated with dignity and respect. They are NOT a good representation of the cool and universally accepted guilt-free lifestyle of heterosexual pride. Which is not a thing. Also this whole group of people can go fuck themselves no joke I hope they fall of their bikes and scrape their arms and knees and then James comes and steals their bikes. But the real point is HI DRAKE IN A WHEELCHAIR! (Thanks for the tip, Emma.)

Comments (35)
  1. heterosexual awareness month and white history month, redundancy redundancy department.

  2. I don’t know that having a brick up your back door is specifically a straight thing…

  3. One woman who “liked” the page posted a note that says: “I’m so straight, first thing I did when I bought a house was brick up the back door.”

    What? She does get that if she has anal sex, it is still heterosexual if she it is with a gent, right? I mean, I don’t think she knows what sex is, in general. Someone needs to show her our bodies ourselves, stat.

    • Maybe by “bought a house” she means “got married,” so the back door in question might belong to her husband, and she is just cock-blocking him?

  4. I know someone who is a member of this group! She is the worst, and I only keep her on Facebook for laughs at her expense.

    And in case anybody thinks I’m being mean, I would like to point out that she posted this weekend about how happy she is because her “prayers have been answered.” These are her exact words, and it’s important to realize that, because the post was about how her grandmother is DYING and only has A FEW MONTHS LEFT TO LIVE. She said that her tears were tears of joy because her “grandmother will be in heaven soon.”

    She literally prayed for the death of her grandmother, who WASN’T EVEN SICK BEFORE THIS. And God answered, apparently.

    • Good god, FT. Don’t piss her off. She is friends with the Angel of Death… And brags about it.

    • At no point did I think you were being mean. I do, however, think that your Facebook friend is mean. Unless her grandmother had lots of money and she knew she was in the will, then she isn’t mean, just greedy.

  5. Oh man, “brick up the backdoor” should be the euphemism for the most grotesque and degrading sex act that you’ve never heard of yet but when you do HOLY SHIT.

  6. I don’t think I’m enjoying my heterosexual lifestyle enough to join this group :(

  7. I blame the straights for pretty much everything that is wrong with society.

  8. Minimum guilt? No, I cannot even handle the minimum. Pass.

  9. Hey Teens! You “down” with Cool Relationships? Alright! Gimme a P! Gimme a in! Gimme a V! What’s that spell? Us not hate-criming you.

    Our raps are “No Homo” just like the big raps stars! Get accepted!*

    *teen years spent handing out school required abstinence brochures for our AIDS Awareness club have directly contributed to the wording of this comment.

  10. They NEED me on their team? But their team has worldwide acceptance. That doesn’t sound like a team that’s aching for my membership.

  11. If you want to make people aware of heterosexuality, posting a picture of a man’s head photoshopped onto a woman’s scantily-clad body hardly seems to be the ideal way to do it.

  12. I want to know what they plan on doing with their fundraising. Actually, no. No I do not.

  13. Because this is all such garbage, I was going to share with you a picture of Camilla Bowles holding a kangaroo, because it delighted me when I saw it in the elevator of my (cold) office building today, but I could only find a small version of the picture, so you can’t fully appreciate the weird mix of emotions on her face – fear, surprise, disgust, love?

  14. I still say this is all just a clever ruse to reach a demographic of people who don’t know that Drake was Wheelchair Jimmy on Degrassi. The people need to know these things.

  15. When I see shit like this I just read Aunt Ida’s quotes from Female Trouble (Or say them out loud (gay pun intended) because I’ve memorized them)

    The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.
    Queers are just better. I’d be so proud if you was a fag.
    Fucker! Pig fucker! Hetero! Filthy hetero stink-shit!
    [to Taffy] And remember, my offer still stands. If you get tired of being a Hare Krishna, you come live with me and be a lesbian!

  16. Just thought I’d add that there’s a woman in this group whose honest-to-God name is Mary Dykes.

    True story.

  17. SUPER-FUN AND IN NO WAY HORRIFYING UPDATE: The admin at Heterosexual Awareness Month is now encouraging members to look up the names of trolls in the National Sex Offender Registry.

    In other news, I can now add “registered sex offender” to the list of amazing things I’ve been called on the Internet. I think this might actually beat “race traitor!”

  18. Because supporting something means actively suppressing all other things™

    • I support the troops, so I think we should pass a constitutional amendment banning all non-troops. Also we should ban all sports teams other than the ones I live closest to.

  19. I know I am not supposed to get angered by this because it’s ridiculous, but god damn it, I am angered by this. And saddened. And even though my brain says “don’t engage,” I have already started posting on their Facebook page. Sigh.

  20. Straight people already have Worldwide Acceptance, and literally everyone has a number of Specific Roles. What does that even mean? Can you be more Specific?

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