You guys OK out there? I know this has been a difficult week. The announcement of more Star Wars movies has affected everyone, even those of us who don’t even care about Star Wars at all. Even those of us who honestly haven’t even seen almost all of the Star Wars movies, except for what is widely known as the worst one. What will this mean for the franchise? How long will people keep talking about it? Are people going to talk about Star Wars movies until we’re all dead? Will anyone be happy with any of the new ones, or are people just going to complain about it forever? Or will the new ones be better than the old new ones?! A lot to think about, obviously. So we certainly didn’t need THIS bombshell, from Mark Hamill in an interview with Entertainment Weekly:

Yeah, last August, [George Lucas] asked Carrie and I to have lunch with him and we did. I thought he was going to talk about either his retirement or the Star Wars TV series that I’ve heard about — which I don’t think we were going to be involved in anyway, because that takes place between the prequels and the ones we were in and, if Luke were in them, he’d be anywhere from a toddler to a teenager so they’d get an age-appropriate actor — or the 3-D releases. So when he said, “We decided we’re going to do Episodes VII, VIII, and IX,” I was just gobsmacked. “What? Are you nuts?!”

WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Mark Hamill knew this whole time and he never even thought to TWEET us about it? Not one little tweet, Mark Hamill or Carie Fisher? Are YOU nuts? It is clear that, in this mess and the mess of days to come, we can trust only each other. May the force be with you. Luke, I am your father. Take me, Jar Jar. This is the beginning of a beautiful Star Wars. Yoda. SEND HELP!

Comments (54)
  1. I don’t know, you guys. The idea of having Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher playing Luke and Leia as the current iterations of themselves, weirdly old and kind of fat and disorientingly different from their previous selves, this thing could be really great. Pure gold.

    • Hopefully we’ll get a montage of Leia trying to squeeze into her gold bikini.

    • I have never read any of the novelizations or whatever might say what is to come in the Star Wars Universe, but I am so entertained by the idea that Luke lives in a spare room over Leia and Han’s garage and keeps telling his nieces and nephews and/or great nieces and nephews about his glory days with the rebels.

      • Leia and Han have 3 kids. Leia has Force powers and a sunburst lightsaber.
        Luke starts some Jedi academies and marries Mara Jade, who has a purple lightsaber (BEFORE Mace Windu).
        Chewbacca eventually dies.
        R2-D2 & C-3PO are still around.
        Wedge even gets into things.
        Seriously, there are whole multiple-arc stories about characters with less than 5 seconds of screen time in the actual films.

        • I haven’t read any of the Star Wars books, but my brother had a TON of them. The only thing I remember him telling me about them was that Chewbacca is killed when a moon falls on him. That’s how I want to go, too.

        • TECHNICALLY, Mace Windu has his light saber before Mara Jade was even alive (I’m assuming, unless she’s an old lady and Luke married her for her money).

          • I’m talking about the real world history of the creative property franchise of Star Wars, not the chronology of the Star Wars universe.

            The only reason that’s a thing is because Sam Jackson was so vocal about how important it was he have an originally colored lightsaber, not realizing that this was one of the first things writers wrung the well dry on and tapped out the color spectrum in the books and video games.

        • I once had a book that were short stories about different characters in the Mos Eisley Cantina. I think even 12-year-old-me was like “no, that’s a stretch” cause I don’t think I ever finished it.

          However I did have a huge crush on Tenel Ka Djo, who is a trainee at the Jedi Academy. SHE HAS A RANCOR TOOTH LIGHTSABER!

          • I finished that book. God help me, I finished that book.

          • WELL WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO SY SNOOTLES?!

          • O wait, Sy Snootles didn’t play at the cantina, she was at Jabba’s Palace.

            WHATEVER.

          • In junior high, I read all of these books. All of them (that were published in 1996, anyway?), multiple times, tried to write my own at one point and badgered my other nerd-girl friends to help me with it. I can’t remember to pay bills on time, I almost never use my cell phone because I don’t remember to charge it, but I remember nearly every single plot line of those novels.

            In that book, I really liked the story about the hammerhead guy from the pacifist nature-loving planet and the one about the guy with the horns who’s an intergalactic criminal obsessed with music. And now I’m going to go shame-drown myself in a sea of alcohol.

          • Amy, you’ve won again. Don’t disparage yourself in your victory. I definitely remember that Hammerhead tale, and the guy with horns tale also feels familiar.

            I really enjoyed the Tales of the Bounty Hunters book, one story specifically. It was about a team of mercenaries on a suicide mission, and my favorite dude was a guy in Scout Trooper armor he had painted camouflage colors. I think they all died at the end (or one or two made it out alive).

          • I remember the bounty hunter guys, although not as well as the Mos Eisley Cantina guys. I’d love to go back and compare to see which characters had the longest stories as compared to the shortest amount of actual on-screen time. I’m sure some other nerd has done it already, but that isn’t nearly as satisfying as doing it myself would be.

        • DAMN IT, KajusX !
          SPOILER ALERT !!!
          You totally ruined it for me about the purple lightsaber.

  2. Is that the reason he quit voicing the Joker? Because Mark, if episodes 7-9 are anything like 1-3, you may have chosen poorly there.

  3. What will this mean for the franchise?
    MORE STAR WARS STUFF

    How long will people keep talking about it?
    FOR-FUCKING-EVER

    Are people going to talk about Star Wars movies until we’re all dead?
    I’M AFRAID SO

    Will anyone be happy with any of the new ones, or are people just going to complain about it forever?
    BOTH WILL DEFINITELY HAPPEN, ESPECIALLY THE COMPLAINING PART

    Or will the new ones be better than the old new ones?
    PROBABLY NOT

  4. I had these neighbours a few years ago who would always come hang out at our place. We noticed that every few months they would completely disappear for a weekend, but we knew they were home. One day we asked them about it and they confessed that every 3 months, like clockwork, they fill their fridge with steaks and spend the whole weekend watching the original Star Wars trilogy, eating steaks and drinking the Canadian equivalent of Coors Light, and they position their couches so they can high five at the good parts without having to get up. I bet they’re devastated.

  5. as long as han solo saves his wife and his family it will work out ok

  6. I just looked at Mark Hamill’s twitter account, and he seems like a pretty cool guy! This is his most recent tweet:

    “Happy Halloween Horrors to kiddies everywhere! Got some great trick or treaters tonight. No Jokers or Harleys though. Wonder if you saw any?”

    Well, did anyone????

  7. Obviously this has been in the works for a while. What I’m trying to get at with this is…I hope you all remember who announced that he was writing a sci-fi movie earlier this year:

  8. You don’t think George would, nay, has, killed to protect his secrets?

  9. LISTEN UP NERDS, I HAVE A STAR WARS QUESTION!

    This has always puzzled me. So I had always figured the books came first and Lucas decided to just start in the middle, but then I found out the books are novelizations of the movies… So why are the first three movies called episodes 4, 5 and 6 and have been since way before the new movies were slated? When/why did this start?

    • The answer to all of your questions is: money.

    • From Wikipedia: “The film was originally released as Star Wars, without “Episode IV” or the subtitle A New Hope. The 1980 sequel, The Empire Strikes Back, was numbered “Episode V” in the opening crawl. When the original film was re-released in 1981, Episode IV: A New Hope was added above the original opening crawl.”

      From what I remember of special features and/or interviews I’ve read, Lucas was really into old action serials and really liked the idea of making Star Wars part of that tradition. He wanted it to seem like the Star Wars films were picking up an ongoing story.

      • Thanks!! I can sleep well tonight. FINALLY knowing the truth.

        • Also, the movies were following the rules of an epic. So they start “in media res.” So the first one begins scrolling “A New Hope” even on its release in 1977. Because it wants to let you know you’re showing up in the middle of the story, since that’s what epics do. Like I think Odysseus is already at sea when The Odyssey opens and Helen has already been carted off when The Iliad opens, and probably same thing in The Aeneid but I never read the Aeneid.

  10. I actually think this is all a ploy on Lucas’ part. He thinks the world is going to end this year (if Seth Rogen’s testimony is for realz), he believes the critics have already killed the franchise, and so he just sold off his life’s work for $4 billion after previously stating he was retiring and potential future Star Wars films were retiring with him.

    He’s probably plotting something big to go out on– maybe even survive Earth’s destruction– and it’ll cost him $4 billion to do it.

  11. My 10 year old self is saying FUCK YEAH, my 20 something self is saying, NOOooooooooo Leave Lucas out of it. But by the time these come out I’ll be in my early 40s and no matter what I try to do to stop myself – I will go see these.

  12. “Even those of us who honestly haven’t even seen almost all of the Star Wars movies, except for what is widely known as the worst one.”

    Glad I’m not the only one.

  13. But seriously you guys, what is going to happen to the Maniac Mansion franchise?

  14. This is what I am talking about. There will never be a single day without horrible banal Star Wars news for the next 15 years.

    I hate you Star Chores!!!!

  15. Carrie Fisher’s book is really interesting and by interesting I mean highly entertaining and sad. Also, she’s fun on Craig Ferguson. Hopefully, this will mean that she will be on Craig Ferguson in the future.

  16. cool inChrist allways fat billpage illusionist magician in fun

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