My grandparents are in town visiting this week and they asked me if there were any good movies out right now. My grandparents love movies! The thing is though, I didn’t really know what to tell them. No? Not really? I told them they could see The Master, but that my feeling about that movie is that it’s like eating a really fancy, expensive meal and still being hungry after. (But the chefs’ acting is superb!) I told them I was looking forward to the new James Bond but that it hadn’t come out yet. And that’s about all I could think of. What am I going to say? End of Watch? No. (Although End of Watch is not bad, I think I told you. But the ending is awful. And also fuck found footage movies in the face, enough.) So fingers crossed that some of these upcoming movies will ge grandparent-recommendation worthy! (JK I already know they will hate all of these.)


Iron Man 3

I hate to be the one to say this, but this looks bad. Like, the part where Bizarro Iron Man scares Pepper Pots and Tony Stark in bed is pretty good, but otherwise it just looks kind of…lame. Dragging the suit through the snow? That’s the kicker! And also “Rule number one heroes? There are none of those.” I know that’s a misquote but that is the clunkiest line ever. I hope this movie is good, but I have qualms. QUALMS! DJ Qualms.

Evil Dead

This is too scary. I know that the Evil Dead is supposed to be an actual horror movie, and I also know that Sam Raimi is nominally involved in this, and there’s something to be said about getting to make your idea with the actual means that you were originally lacking, but isn’t it the campiness of the original that makes it such a success? This just looks boiler plate. Good luck. One adult for no thank you.

A Haunted House

Haha. OK! You got me. I will never ever see this or any of the Marlon Wayans meta-parody movies, but this trailer made me laugh. It’s just enough! No more! That’s plenty! Thank you, though! That was perfect!

Holy Motors

This looks very ’90s, but in a good way. It’s got a real David Cronenberg, The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover kind of feel to it. (I know that’s not a David Cronenberg movie, I’m posing two separate examples!) I’m sure it has a lot to say about, like, our obsession with physical beauty and maybe the insipidness of the fashion world, or maybe sex, and also limousines, and don’t forget white eyeballs as metaphor for the decrepitude of our collective vision. Hahah. But this looks good I mean.

Empires Of The Deep

Fuck you, I’m not even watching this trailer whatever the fuck this even is what is this no.

Safe Haven

Sparks pulls [a book] off the shelf. “A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write,” he says, putting it back. “That’s what I write.”

Comments (37)
  1. “Fuck that movie in the fucking face.”

    -Gabe to the Grandparents Delahaye, on the subject of movies to watch or avoid.

    • P.S. When are they coming back to GR? Because I’ll be at the airport tomorrow, if they’re back then I can totally give them a ride. Or even if they’re coming back some other town. The airport has the only Cinnabon in town, so I’ll take pretty much any excuse to go there.

  2. Nothing drives me more batty than forced #hashtag garbage Twitter marketing on movies and tv shows. Also that stupid movie looks like a rip off of that hilarious comedy in which Julia Roberts faked her death and was living in Iowa to get away from her jerk husband.

  3. There were a lot of grandparent-aged people at the showing of Perks of Being a Wallflower I attended a couple Saturday ago. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. High school never ends.

  4. On the bright side, the Safe Haven trailer just makes me want to go listen to Fleetwood Mac.

  5. Is Sam Rockwell going to be in Iron Man 3? No? I will still see it, but I will be sad.

  6. See, the Iron man 3 trailer piqued my interest. I don’t think it looks bad (same could be said about the trailer for Iron Man 2, so yeah, I am very aware about the capability of trailers and how they can make something look REALLY good when it is anything but).

    What I’m most intrigued by is the writer/director, Shane Black. He wrote and directed ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang,’ which was a lot of fun (and his directorial debut, Iron Man 3 is his second director’s credit), and he wrote all the Lethal Weapon films, not to mention MONSTER SQUAD, Las Action Hero and The Long Kiss Goodnight. Some of these may not be the best films, not by a longshot (here’s looking at you, Lethal Weapons 3 & 4), but Black has a pretty spotless record for making hero movies where the good guys win.

    That being said- this is the first film of Marvel’s second wave of films. Hopefully it won’t all be set up for Avengers 2 (or Thor 2 or Cap 2, for that matter).

  7. Have your grandparents seen Argo? Argo was very good.

    • Seconded. It was very good. I loved the heist aspect, and I loved how palpable the dread and despair felt.

      On a nerdy note, Michael Parks had a VERY small role playing Jack Kirby. Made my day when I saw Kirby’s name in the credits.

      No SPOILERS here really, but if you want to know nothing, obvs don’t read:

      In the film, there is ONE scene where they are creating fake storyboards for their fake movie, and Ben Affleck tells the storyboard artist– Michael Parks– to make the scenery more middle eastern. That is the only time you see Parks in the film. But it’s Michael Parks! Sheriff Earl McGraw! The storyboard artwork seen throughout the film to me looked very Kirby-inspired. THEN, in the end credits, Michael Parks’ credit is ‘Jack Kirby.’ Later in the credits, the two artists who emulated Kirby’s style were credited for the storyboard art, so Jack Kirby’s name appeared twice (more than in any of the Marvel films, I would wager)!

      I was so stoked, because I remembered reading about Kirby’s small role in this Iranian crisis. The actual history of Kirby’s involvement was that the Argo crew used his storyboards from a project Kirby had worked on a year before, but was in development hell/turn-around. So Kirby actually never met with anyone from the Argo crew about the Iranian crisis, but his work was used.

      So a tip of my hat to Ben Affleck and Co. for deciding to insert Jack Kirby directly into the story, and then casting Michael Parks in that very small role, so he would be noticed.

  8. I like how the dude in the Holy Motors trailer pronounces beauty as ‘bootay’

  9. I thought the mermaid movie was perfect.

    • I know that movie looks dumb as fuck but I just don’t care. I have to see that one. I’d almost say it looked like a Tarsem movie what with the wackadoo headgear but the animation stuff suggests otherwise.

  10. No one can stop my excitement for Iron Man 3! If it’s bad, it’s bad, but for now, the trailer looks exciting and I’m game.

  11. I am very pleasantly surprised by the Evil Dead trailer.

  12. I like how my man Cedric the Entertainer looks like a mutahfuckin pimp.

  13. A few months from now, I will sign onto Netflix, and curious as to what my friends have been watching (shared account) I will look at the Recently Watched list. There, I will see Empires of the Deep, and I will know that the lady half of my friends had a night off with her friends, while the guy have took the opportunity to get drunk and watch a terrible movie.

  14. Question for you guys: does casting a Anglo-Indian actor as the Mandarin as opposed to a Chinese actor make the character more or less racist? I’m leaning towards less myself, given that his original incarnation was very much Yellow Peril-y (I believe Shane Black said that the character was a racial caricature).

  15. Don’t worry guys, Safe Haven is actually great. It turns out in the end that she isn’t on the run from an abusive cop-husband but is a wanted mass-murderer and robber. The sequel should be rad. It’s just her running, making new, protective friends, then slaughtering them and stealing their money.

  16. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME THAT MY GRANDPARENTS ARE DEAD, GABE

  17. I know no one will see this since I’m posting on the weekend but I need to put this out there. I seriously thought from the opening of the Holy Motors trailer that it was a Zoolander sequel and that dude was Ben Stiller. I don’t know if I’m glad or sad that that’s not the case.

  18. I can’t wait to watch iron man 3. Awesome trailer……

  19. I saw Holy Motors at the Vancouver Int Film Fest and it is a head scratcher – sometimes in a good way, sometimes in the way where you actually don’t know what’s going on and why is it 2 and a half hours and you are thirsty.

    It is very French is what I’m saying, and ultimately I am into that sort of thing.

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