Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: hi kelly
Gabe: how are you?
Kelly: Fine, enjoying a wonderful rainy day. How are you?
Gabe: i’m sick
Gabe: but otherwise i’m fine
Gabe: 1. sick, 2. fine
Gabe: in that order
Gabe: i’m more sick than fine for a total of 100%
Kelly: Well I’m sorry to hear that, but it still sounds ok.
Kelly: Have you seen Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s wedding photos?
Gabe: i saw the one with him jumping up and down
Gabe: in the classic wedding style
Gabe: the formal photo, i guess you would call it
Gabe: where the lady is crumpled up in a ball in teh corner
Gabe: and the man jumps up and down
Gabe: you know, a wedding photo
Kelly: Right, right
Gabe: but not the whole album
Gabe: i’m sure they’re all as beautiful and tasteful
Kelly: If you’ve seen that one I think you pretty much get it
Kelly: You weren’t invited to the wedding, right?
Gabe: ugh, i wish
Kelly: ME TOO
Gabe: all those celebs!
Kelly: In Italy
Kelly: You know there was champagne on that private jet.
Gabe: you KNOW there was
Kelly: Champagne and celebs on a private jet going to JT’s wedding in Italy? Give me a damn break
Gabe: literally an episode of entourage
Gabe: The Lost Episodes
Gabe: crossover with How To Make It IN America
Gabe: Cam and Ben hired to make JT
Gabe: a denim tux
Gabe: but all of the taxis in bushwick are busy!
Kelly: haha AAAHHHH
Gabe: and they spilled homemade kamboucha all over the patterns!
Gabe: but then diego saves the day
Gabe: with a skateboard or whatever
Gabe: and the wedding ends with Justin and Jessica
Gabe: holding up flutes of champagne at the after party
Gabe: and shouting “TO CRISP!”
Gabe: while Turtle is getting a blow job in the bathroom from one of the girls from the French Montana video!!!!
Gabe: and Johnny Drama is upset because he realizes his old manager cut a bad deal for the Johnny Bananas back end on web products
Gabe: it’s a pretty dece ep
Kelly: That sounds SUPER dece
Kelly: I can tell you’ve painted a truly beautiful picture even though I only know what 20% of the words mean.
Kelly: The only thing I’m going to say is
Kelly: That you forgot a part
Kelly: Where JT’s real estate agent friend made a wedding video of a bunch of homeless people wishing JT the best, as if they knew him, as a funny wedding joke surprise
Kelly: OTHER THAN THAT it was perfect
Gabe: well, in the episode, it’s Ari Gold’s upstart new agent’s assistant’s exotic car dealer
Gabe: but yes
Gabe: i totally forgot that part
Gabe: what a beautiful gift to give your true friends
Gabe: on one of the most important days of their lives
Gabe: “what do you get for the couple that has everything? a disgustingly offensive video of homeless people to show at their 6.5 million dollar wedding”
Kelly: Nothing is too horrible and oddly short-sighted for those two.
Gabe: the dude who made this has been to a wedding before, right?
Gabe: like, he knows that it isn’t just a glorified poker night with the bros?
Gabe: there are families there and grandparents and children and stuff?
Kelly: But also
Kelly: Who was like, “Sure, you can play this video, I’ll help you set it up and clear some time and make sure you have everyone’s attention.”
Gabe: their wedding planner, jennifer lopez
Gabe: the actual video
Gabe: was 8 AND A HALF MINUTES LONG
Kelly: That is too many minutes for ANY gag video
Gabe: that is as long as possible
Gabe: i don’t think they make videos longer than that
Gabe: the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Gabe: was only 8 minutes long
Gabe: in comparison
Gabe: to 8 and a half minutes
Gabe: of this fucking video
Gabe: and there is beautiful jessica beal
Gabe: all curled up in her ball
Gabe: laughing her eyes out at this wonderful gift
Gabe: from a true, dear friend
Gabe: hug it out, bitches!
Kelly: While Justin is off god knows where causing a joyful scene about the whole thing
Gabe: i also love that gawker received a cease and desist about the video
Gabe: because nothing says
Gabe: a) tasteful and thoughtful wedding gesture
Gabe: and b) good-hearted joke
Gabe: like a cease and desist letter
Kelly: Hahaha right
Kelly: Explicitly stating that Justin Timberlake had nothing to do with it and didn’t have knowledge of it being produced
Gabe: a wedding isn’t complete until there is blood on the sheets, an exchange of sheep between the fathers, and a cease and desist letter
Kelly: A beautiful tradition
Gabe: this is basically a scene in a comedy about marriage
Gabe: where you are like no
Gabe: that is not real
Gabe: that has never and will never happen at a wedding
Gabe: nice try, clever writers who think they are so clever
Gabe: but we are still human beings with a shred of dignity!
Kelly: No real person would ever think of this idea
Kelly: And then actually follow through with it
Kelly: And then, EVEN THEN, get people to help them make it happen
Gabe: i watched Five Year Engagement on a plane this weekend
Gabe: and there was a scene where Chris Pratt sings
Gabe: about all of Jason Segal’s former lovers
Gabe: at a family-only engagement party
Gabe: and it was very sexually explicit
Gabe: and i was like, nah
Gabe: he may be a doofus but this is stretching it
Gabe: and yet, that was so much more tasteful
Gabe: than what this real life scumbag
Gabe: actually did
Kelly: The lives if the rich and famous are completely out of the realm of our understanding, I guess.
Kelly: Though I do wonder what the reaction was like
Gabe: “Wonderful! How wonderful!”
Gabe: “It is so important to have true friends!”
Gabe: i want to know what everyone’s reactions were
Gabe: at the five minute mark
Gabe: for the final three and a half minutes
Gabe: after already having watched five entire minutes
Kelly: There were probably a lot of SNL people there though
Kelly: So they probably were totally cool with a one-joke video going for 8 minutes
Gabe: apparently none of the reactions were
Gabe: “that’s enough, we don’t need to watch the whole thing”
Gabe: everyone was like “I wonder what the surprise twist will be at the end”
Kelly: “Are they all here?”
Gabe: and the twist was that there was no twist
Kelly: I guess one takeaway is
Kelly: That the world is still a vampire, even if you flew to that world on a private jet with celebrities and champagne to celebrate the wedding of Justin Timberlake
Gabe: despite all their rage, they are still just rats in a 6.5 million dollar destination wedding