Wait. That’s it? The big announcement Donald Trump has been threatening all week is just that he’s a miserable racist? I’m pretty sure we already knew that! This is some bullshit. I was hoping for fireworks. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know that one of the most pressing issues on American voters’ minds this election season is DID OBAMA EVEN GO TO COLLEGE?! And also DOES HE HAVE A PASSPORT?! This is the worst. I know that it’s not surprising that Donald Trump is the worst because he’s been the worst for a long time but that doesn’t make this any less the worst. Our previous president lied about his military service and fabricated intelligence to begin an unjustified war (also his wife once KILLED A DUDE) but we are piddling around asking about a birth certificate and a college transcript? Yikes. Yikes, Trump. Even for you: big yikes. Also what is that tone of voice? That tone of voice is disgusting. Don’t use that tone of voice around me. Fuck you with that tone of voice. I’m a human being you asshole! I deserve as a basic human right to never have to hear anyone ever use that horrible tone of voice. Who do you think you are? Besides the punchline to a million jokes since the 1980s and the flailing host of an unbearable reality television show? This is some racist ass shit. INNER CITY CHILDREN IN CHICAGO? Our President probably WOULD like that, wouldn’t he? To help out his fellow Kenyans. Ugh. This video! Oh well, that’s a wrap. Enjoy the White House, President Romney, or as I like to call you, Mr. Transparency.

Comments (55)
  1. Related: I am thinking of starting a funding project to donate money to a charity of President Obama’s choice should he not disclose this information to racist mcgillicutty up there. If I have to have a goal or project, it would be me taking a picture of my ass and sending it to fuckwit mcshittrump.

    Also his hair sucks.

  2. This surprise is about as exciting as a surprise from a box of Cracker Jacks:

    Ooohh, a little piece of paper! Maybe if you’re lucky it’s a temporary tattoo!

  3. OK

    1) I don’t know if I WANT Obama to actually do this or not because 5 million is like a lot of money but also please don’t ever comply with Trump?!

    2) That tone of voice is the same tone of voice my grandpa used when he told me that I can’t wear all black every day when I was in 8th grade. (Spoiler alert: I still wear all black every day.)

  4. “I’m not a racist, Gabe. I’ve shaken Arsenio Hall’s hand several times.”

  5. This seems like a good enough place to bring this up…speaking of weirdos who give away money (great transition!), do you guys ever watch the show Shark Tank? It’s great. I watch it and I think you guys would like it. We could talk about it!

    Also Donald Trump is such a nightmare I can’t even watch this video. Here’s an idea, give away $5 million anyway because you have a ton of money and you’re a horrible human being who could use some good karma.

  6. if Trump is so desperate for attention why can’t he just post a wedding proposal video like the rest of us?

  7. “College applications are kept on hand for decades after the fact, so this is a completely reasonable request that really any of us should be able to comply with.” – Donald Trump

  8. Wow, that is definitely just the tone of voice, supplemented by condescending hand gestures, that he uses to talk to black people. What a fucking asshole.

    “…his long form birth certificate…or whatever it may be.” IT WAS HIS LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE YOU DISINGENUOUS SHITHEAD.

    • Nah, I agree with the “whatever it may be” qualifier. At least be consistent. If you’re going to accuse the LEADER OF A COUNTRY about lying in regard to his origins, don’t just look at a scanned piece of paper and say “yup, I’m convinced! No way that could have been forged!” If you’re gonna be wrong about something, at least stick to your guns!

  9. What the actual fuck. Seriously.

  10. I was going to make a stupid joke about how he can’t possibly be racist because he used to be the spokesperson for Oreos, which are the most diverse cookie. But then I looked for a picture to use as a visual aid, and, it turns out he can’t even support a cookie without making it THE MOST RACIST COOKIE.

  11. Obama killed the world’s most wanted man during his presidency. He defeated the candidate endorsed by the son of an oil tycoon who started a war universally accepted as unnecessary. And now an out of touch Billionaire with a signature physical eccentricity is publicly blackmailing him? Obama’s James Bond, y’all.

  12. is it really fair for trump to call obama the least transparent president when 39 of his competitors are now ghosts?

  13. Somehow, some part of Trump’s life, some frequent and emotionally reinforcing occurrence, has caused him to completely misjudge words like, “huge” and “mind-blowing.” What could it be…? Hmm….

  14. I really don’t have the energy to research his claim (or really the energy to give a shit about what Trump says) but I’m pretty damn sure none of the “more transparent” presidents have been asked to release this information fucking ever.
    All he’s proving with this is he can afford to give away 5 million whenever he wants but obviously wont, hell I doubt he’d even do it if Obama did comply with his ridiculous demands.


  16. I see he’s still recording his vids from the center of the sun.

  17. Laura Bush ran a stop sign as a teenager and killed a close friend. Not sure a horrible youthful tragedy needs to be tossed into the ring here.

  18. If he’s so excited to have the chance to give such a check to charity, can he just go ahead and do it anyway?

  19. Prove you’re as good as a white man or AIDS patients will die!

  20. Seems to me that anyone who is “angry” at the president for not releasing his college applications is not going to suddenly be happy with the president even if he halted a Great Depression, killed Osama Bin Laden, and brought health care to all the children of America. Oh, wait…

  21. Planned Parenthood, obviously.

  22. don’t negotiate with terrorists Mr President

  23. Call me crazy, but you probably had to actually go to college and also do pretty well in order to end up teaching at law school? Oh wait, I forgot about secret societies and Bill Ayres or whatever, so never mind. Good call, rich racist guy with very good hair.

  24. Oh why why why did I change the video quality to HD?!?! I can clearly see the bullshit coming out of his mouth! ahhhh!!

  25. “I bet when Donald Trump makes decisions he thinks to himself, ‘What would a cartoon rich person do?’” — John Mulaney

  26. Why in God’s name does someone with $5 million dollars to throw away not do SOMETHING about that HAIR!?!?!?!?!

  27. Happy Celebrity Attention Whore Day Everyone !!!

  28. I know…everyday is Celebrity Attention Whore Day.

  29. You know what The Donald really needs? A gold-plated mitre.

  30. Donald Trump endorses the Hollow Man as the next President: “Because even white is too dark. What we need is transparent”

  31. If Trump will show us what he looks like without his piece, we’ll donate $5M to charity.

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